I am severely triggered by sexual things

[Bee1998]

A bit of back story / reasons why I believe I get triggered: 

I was sexually abused as a 5 year old by my own grandfather for several years. 
I have been cheated on in every relationship I have been in, including my current one. 
I was severely bullied throughout primary and Highschool. 
My mum called me a lesbian when I was growing up (even though I’m not) and constantly would put other females down in front of me. 
My mum was also verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to me my whole life (she has BPD and Bipolar).

In my current relationship I still get triggered by my partner watching movies with sex scenes in them, my partner wanting to watch porn, liking females provocative pictures on social media. 
All of these things are weighing down our relationship and we constantly get into arguments over it. My partner also was emotionally and physically unfaithful earlier in the year in 2023, which has made my insecurities far worse, and my trust even less than it already was.

I really don’t want to live my life being insecure anymore, and constantly in fear that my partner is going to betray / hurt me. 
I’m super sensitive to porn and all of the things I mentioned above, and I don’t want to be this way anymore, or let these things rule my life. 

[Croix]

Dear Bee1998~

I've read some of your previos posts and feel for you. You were betrayed and abused by those who should have protected you, and this has continued up until now.

It is totally understandable you do not like porn, can be triggered by sex, and are very upset when you are cheated on and probably feel this is a pattern that may continue on and on.

You deserve better.

I do think where sex and trust are concerned and the ability to choose someone who is 100% on you  side is not just a problem you have to try to fix by yourself - or put up with. I believe it is a two-person matter and there are people who are honest and caring. I've been blessed by finding two (or they found me), no not at the same time:) my first partner passed away after 25 years.

Unless you are convinced you have a partner who understands and cherishes you and deliberately avoids things that deeply upset you then things are not as likely to improve

It may be my suggestion is unrealistic, I don't know you circumstances and if you feel 'trapped' in your current relationship or want it to get a lot better and stay. If you have not already had this suggested (apologies if you have) then maybe advice from an organisation such as the Blue Knot Foundation may be helpful.

Life can be better

Croix

[Bee1998]

Hi Croix, 

I’m really sorry to hear about your partner who passed away. 

Thank you for your response. 

My partner acts very cocky during arguments, and doesn’t like to listen to me, which results in a heated argument. 
He doesn’t seem to understand why I am triggered, despite knowing all of my past experiences. 
We have even been going to couples therapy together, and he is good for a day, and then back to saying nasty things to me during an argument / refusing to hear me out. 

During our arguments, he says things to me like, “if I want to watch porn, I will.” “You’re trying to control me.” “I like porn.” “Your insecurities are ruining the relationship.” 

All of these things hurt me deeply , and I’m often left to my own devices, and go to bed sad and on my own. (He stays up late and smokes weed and goes on his computer). 

[Bee1998]

Hi Croix, 

I’m so sorry to hear about your partner who passed away .. 😞

Thank you for replying to me, it means a lot.

My partner is really hard to have a discussion with. 
Any time I try to express how I’m feeling, he a) talks over me b) is cocky / rude c) doesn’t try to listen or understand. 

He never can take any responsibility for anything, and blames me constantly for everything. 

I feel so alone. I’m always the one trying to have a sit down talk, and try to fix things, but he often ignores me and sits up all night in the computer room, smoking weed and playing games on his computer. 
Whenever this happens, I ask him when he’s coming to bed, and he always says bluntly, “idk, later.” This makes me feel even more worried that he is going to watch porn behind my back while I’m asleep. 
I also hate going to be upset, and would really appreciate a cuddle 😞

[therising]

Hi Bee

100% agree with Croix, you deserve better. Your feelings are completely understandable and my heart goes out to you when it comes to all you've been through over the years in regard to self righteous people who've given themselves the right to treat you any way they wish. You deserve compassion, respect, understanding and an open minded partner who has the ability to open their mind in regard to how you might be feeling. He sounds more self righteous and closed minded than he does humble and open.

I can understand the fight in you. Having to fight to be heard, having to fight for greater consideration, having to fight for a sense of fairness, compassion and so much more is what makes you a fighter. Kudos to you! When you consider what your partner's fighting for, what does that tell you about him? He would rather fight to watch porn than open his mind to the reasons why it brings you such discomfort and pain. He'd rather fight to be able to ogle other females, rather than seriously consider why he feels the compulsion to do this. He'd prefer to fight to feel the way he wants to feel, rather than consider your feelings under the circumstances. He'd rather fight to be dismissive, rather than learn to accept the truth (that this way of living is incredibly painful for you). Btw, as I said to my husband some time after the beginning our relationship many years ago, when he used to have posters of semi naked women up on his walls, 'You do understand that what you present to me when I visit you are images of what you believe to be the most attractive women. Now, consider what this tells me, given I look nothing like them. It's time to grow up and become more conscious'. It was actually my sister who pushed me to think this way, as she questioned why I first accepted his blatant lack of consideration. She's a feisty one, my sister, and a good teacher.😊

As Croix points to, there is a big difference to be felt between a good, loving, caring and respectful man and a largely self serving one who acts in many depressing ways. My greatest wish for you is that a good, loving, caring and respectful man finds his way into your life and your heart while leading you to truly feel the difference. A highly dismissive partner can become a deeply depressing one. Btw, no amount of gaslighting (aka 'It's your fault you can't get over it') can take away from the truth...their dismissiveness is not our fault.

[Croix]

Dear Bee1998~

I have to say I agree with what the Rising has said, you are in a relationship where you are not being given love, or respect, or consideration or regarded as important enough to make a sustained effort.

He believes nothing is his fault -when in actual fact he is the one responsible..

So what's left? From reading you posts I can't see much. Maybe your financial situation is such you feel you have to stay - maybe you long for the time at the start when all was better, maybe you do not have the confidence at the moment you would ever find someone who treated you as you - and every other human being -deserve. I dunno

Now it may be contrary to your nature, it is to mine, but I have found anger helps. It motivates me, allows me to see injustice and bad treatment and gives me the courage to say exactly what I think.

It can go further and motivate me to do things I'd never have thought of doing otherwise.

You deserve to be angry at your toxic treatment and have osmeone htat does love you - could this be a first step?

Croix

[2024-01-11]

My goodness Bee1998, you are wrangling with some huge problems in your relationship.

Everyone who has responded so far has had some very insightful things to say. Especially The Rising with all the poignant statements in regard to all the "fighting" you have had to do. Your partner's addiction to porn, ogling appreciation of other women, and propensity to be unfaithful, destroys what you are trying to build with him. It's like trying to fortify a house of bricks against the weather outside, when an ill wind seeps in through the cracks and brings down the walls from within. You are up against a situation that will always drain your absolute best of efforts with a diminutive payoff.

When I was a lot younger I had some very turbulent years with various partners that, put simply...were bad for me. I had an upbringing that was far from ideal and fostered within me a worthlessness. I was confident as a teenager and adolescent - had to be from being forced to grow up too quickly - but I was so dependent upon the love/companionship of a significant other, that I was needy to the point of disservice to myself. I put up with some very demeaning treatment because I didn't think I had a choice, or was afraid that I would not find anybody better. I now wish I had realized the error in this thinking a lot sooner. If I did, I would not have to harbour all the unfortunate memories I have from all those years ago. The break-ups, although heart-breaking for me at the time, were my greatest of all "Saviors".

I hope you can see that there are much better choices out there for you. The way you are being treated currently, is preventing you from living a life that has so much more to offer you. If your situation with this man allows you to sacrifice less of your dignity, and put more effort into doing things for yourself and future independence away from him, then go for it I say. YOU are more important for YOUR FUTURE SELF than this man could ever be, so don't allow yourself to be oppressed by his behaviour. 

With understanding,

2024-01-11

[Bleu]

This happened to me too and I still struggle with sex scenes/porn. Especially watching it in the company of others or being confronted with other people's porn use. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, sometimes sick.

It's completely valid how you feel and I feel a normal response to what you've been through. I also feel it must be so painful having those experiences with your partner too and I don't think your insecurities are the major or only issue. 

I feel you deserve more respect than that and a partner should address their porn use/unfaithfulness when it has a major negative affect on the person they are supposed to care about the most.

I hope that wasnt too blunt, im not great at being indirect a lot of the time.

You are definitely not alone in those experiences and completely valid.

I have worked a lot on myself and have developed a slightly better relationship with porn/sexualised images but that doesn't mean people have the right to lie, cheat or hide their unfaithfulness. I still feel those are important foundations in partnerships.