I am 30 and there is no hope.

Stompy · ‎18-10-2017

I have been depressed since I was a baby. My parents were both violent and neglected me as long as I remember. My mother was depressed enough to ask me to kill her when I was 10. She bit me up and screamed at me since I was 5. I failed as a student. People around me think I am intelligent but lazy and not motivated. I couldn't stay in workforce due to my poor English (I moved to Australia from South Korea when I was 16)... I spent 10 years at university but couldn't even get a single degree (I kept skipping classes) Now I am 30 and I failed all job interviews. I want to study Physics at university but I am afraid to even start. I hardly get out of bed these days. I feel sorry for my husband... he deserves better. I cannot live like this anymore.

kanga_brumby · ‎18-10-2017

Welcome stompy to beyond blue. Well so far you have not failed to convey in English to me some of your problems. Your mother should not have asked you to help her to die at all. I have known some people who have lived in Australia for forty years not knowing how to speak to anyone but there family. so there is hope for you yet Kanga

Stompy · ‎18-10-2017

My English has improved but my auditory processing disorder and dyslexia hindered me from both work and studies. I lack self esteem and it seems I will be depressed my whole life. Is there any hope for someone who's been always depressed since her early childhood?

blondguy · ‎18-10-2017

Hi Stompy

Kanga has posted great advice above for you which is a bonus as he has the life experience and the care factor

You are not alone here Stompy...I used to have depression as well from a young age and its painful. I started seeing a GP when I was young and it worked well after a few years of treatment. Having even a small circle of people that are a support network for us is a huge help too

Im sorry that you have been through such a dark phase Stompy. Your health is paramount and everything else comes afterwards. Can I ask if you have a GP or a counselor that you can see? You would have so much to gain and nothing to lose at all.

You are an amazing proactive person Stompy and good on you for posting too 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

Stompy · ‎18-10-2017

Thank you

I have been seeing a GP and a psychiatrist for about 7 months... I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety disorder. I don't see much improvements yet. I am so desperate. Everyday is hell and I punish myself by not eating. I cannot get out of my house.

Croix · ‎18-10-2017

Dear Stompy~

I have the same diagnosis as you and have wanted to take my life too at times.

One thing you said struck a chord with me - you said: "I feel sorry for my husband... he deserves better"

I thought the same: "my family would be better off without me and start again".

So we have been alike in some ways, this helps me understand how you feel - some of it anyway.

I got better, I saw GPs and psychiatrists for a long time. I tried lots of different medications, several different doctors and therapies. As time went on I realized depression and PTSD were making me think there was no hope, my family deserved more, I had failed.

I was quite wrong, I can see that now and am so glad I did not kill myself - my family are very glad too.

Life now is not perfect but is worth living -with accomplishment, enjoyment, happiness and love.

All the things you have tried for are very big things, a university degree, employment. When you do not succeed in the big things you blame yourself, even if it is not justified.

So what to do?

Keep going for medical help, not just tablets but also therapy.

Rely upon the love of your husband, lean on him, and try to support him as best you can when he has problems or is unhappy. Just because someone is ill does not mean they cannot sometimes show love or help.

Try to succeed in little things, leave the big ones until you are better. A little thing might be spending more time out of bed, or doing a chore around the house. Leave formal study until later when you are better. (If you are interested read a textbook in your own time.) Give yourself rewards, anything from a cup of tea to a walk. Do this when you succeed. It is important to feed success.

Have regular distractions. This does two things, it takes your mind away from the present to somewhere interesting and enjoyable and it gives you something to look forward to. I use pets, movies, books.

I would suggest you might find the free smartphone app BeyondNow very useful if you are overwhelmed and frightened. If you can get your husband to help you set it up that would be good.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Please come back and talk with us some more

Croix

blondguy · ‎19-10-2017

Hi Stompy

Thankyou so much for posting back. Your posts are just as valid to the forums as mine or anyone elses on the forums

Croix made a good point about your husband. You are more than entitled to the tender loving care that he has to offer as you are the one in a dark place at the moment.

I really hope that your husband is providing you with the support and TLC that you deserve in this moment of difficulty. Please dont feel bad for your husband when you are feeling unwell. Your health comes first when recovery is concerned. If I may ask you Stompy....are you having difficulty leaving your home at the moment?

Please ignore my question if you are uncomfortable with answering it. I used to have a lot of difficulty leaving my home when I had my issues.

You are not alone here in any way

My kindest thoughts for you Stompy

Paul

Stompy · ‎19-10-2017

Yes... I have difficulty leaving home. All I do is watching stupid YouTube videos endlessly.

My mother and father have family backgrounds that were as bad as mine... but at least they were active and productive. I think my depression and laziness are generic. My parents always said that I am lazy and weak. Unfortunately I cannot prove them wrong. I asked for help from them but all their saying is "neither a doctor or medication can treat you, you have to be strong." My mum is not answering my phone calls anymore and dad yells at me saying "depression is common and everyone is depressed to some extent"

For many, many years, I tried to have some kind of hope. I was still young and tried to be as active as I could. I went to the gym, walked and cooked. None of them worked out so far and it didn't take long for me to get sick of things.

Everyday is a living hell... I want to end everything now.

Croix · ‎19-10-2017

Dear Stompy~

The number of judgmental unrealistic ignorant and unkind parents who have caused untold damage is absolutely amazing. Parents have the power to mold, to make children grow and steer them to adulthood. It is an awful lot of power.

As you can understand that can be either good or bad, depending how it is used. To just spout put-downs and judgmental comments is not only wrong, it is lazy and uncaring.

Any parent worth their salt can see when they are hurting their child (of any age) and have to know it is the wrong thing to do. Encouragement works, disparaging remarks do not. Failing to take the trouble to find and try a better way is lazy and arrogant, thinking in all the world they know best.

So I'm sorry your life has been molded that way. You have to try to mold it back again. Yes I know it is difficult, but as I said try a little at a time. Small steps, but each important.

It can get better.

In the meantime if you may need a sensible caring human voice, call our 24/7 Help Line number above, or the Suicide Call Back Service (which I recommend) on 1300 659 467. They can listen, give advice, a sense of perspective and say what can really be done.

Hang in there

Croix