Husband had me have sex with guys for money when he was out of work. Now I’m struggling with me..

Bstrong · ‎12-06-2019

I’m so very embarrassed to be putting this out there for all to read but I need help. I need advice because I couldn’t even talk about this to a psychologist I was seeing at the time. I can’t forgive my husband for putting me through that horrible experience but at the time I agreed to do it to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table for our family. I HATED every moment! I felt my husband was too lazy to really work at finding a job. Instead he took an easy way out FOR HIM and stood by while I slowly lost all my morals, my self respect, my self esteem. I could see no other way out of the financial mess we were in. But it destroyed me, it destroyed my soul. That was about 3-4yrs ago now. In that time I left my husband for a year because life at home became unbearable for me. My husband is a FIFO worker now and I was dealing with our Bipolar daughter and a whole heap of other issues alone. I’ve tried talking to him about that time and how I’m finding it so hard to believe a man who truly loves and cherishes his wife would have her do such a thing! All he’s done is say he’s sorry and then brushes it aside. But I find I can’t forgive him. Am I being unreasonable? He makes me feel like I’m overreacting but it DESTROYED me! I want to leave him again but I’m trapped. I’m over 50 with no job. I can’t support myself and can’t expect the friend who housed me for 12 months when I left before to support me again. They are the only friend I have. I’m well and truly trapped and just want to run away. I know this post is all over the shop. There is so much more to this story. I guess what I’m after is clarification that my feelings about that degrading time are valid and I’m not overreacting? My husband seems to act like I should just move on and get over it but he wasn’t the one doing what I had to do. He wasn’t left feeling like a disgusting desperate person. He doesn’t have the awful flashbacks I have. I try and forget it ever happened. I try and keep it buried so I don’t have to think about it but I think I almost hate my husband for putting me through it all. My life is sad. So so sad.

GoodWitch · ‎13-06-2019

Bstrong,

Your post makes me so sad, and so angry at your husband too. But most of all I just want to jump on and reassure you that you are NOT OVERREACTING. Someone once told me there are no over reactions, just reactions. They're right. How you feel about this, or any issue, is valid and nobody has the right to tell you your feelings don't count. That they are an over reaction. In this case especially. NO. YOU'RE NOT OVERREACTING.

I'm sorry to shout in all caps but I really want you to see that. You are absolutely right to feel betrayed, used, angry and disgusted by what happened. From the way you describe it it sounds as though the whole thing was your husband's idea...so unless you went to him and said 'hey why don't I charge strangers for sex, I don't mind it kind of turns me on' then there is NO excuse for him asking/telling you to do it. There just isn't.

I'm not shaming sex workers I follow a few online who actually enjoy what they do, are sex positive and feminist etc. I'm no prude. But it's clear from your post this was not a choice you wanted to make, you were pressured into it and now you can't get over it. Of course you can't. It is unforgivable.

If I'm being blunt it's only because I don't see two sides to this story. You've said this episode had broken you, and when you've tried to tell your husband this he has brushed it off with a blithe apology. Not good enough. It sounds like he just wants his life to go on the way he wants and doesn't give a toss how you are feeling about this horrible thing he made happen to you.

Yes it might be difficult to get out being 50+ with no job, but not impossible. Find out what Centrelink has to offer to start with. You'd be justified in saying you are trapped in an abusive relationship, even if he's never hit you. Forcing you to prostitute yourself is abuse in my eyes, and possibly in the eyes of the law. Someone else might be able to answer that.

I wanted you to know you are seen, heard, and understood. If you reach out, you might find more support than you realise. Perhaps you can bring yourself to tell your friend some of what happened? If you were my friend I'd let you come back to live with me as soon as I knew what happened, so maybe it's not as impossible as it seems right now.

I hope you post back again. You are strong for coming here.

GW

Bstrong · ‎13-06-2019

Thank you so very much for replying. I don’t feel strong posting it though I feel very ashamed. I could never ever tell my friend it’s something I will carry to my grave as no one would understand and they would never look at me in the same way again. Yes it was my husbands idea definitely not mine. To manage it I would scull glasses of wine beforehand to ease my nerves. Wine my husband gladly bought for me. At the time I think I was numb to it all but as I write all this I feel sick. He did use me didn’t he. He took the easy way out at the time and stood by while I slowly lost my way and lost my soul. He manipulated me and encouraged me by supplying the alcohol. Why the hell did I come back to him after I finally plucked up the courage to leave! He was at me every single day I was away. Telling me our family would suffer (they’re all adults now) that he would kill himself if I didn’t return because he loved me and wasn’t coping well with me gone. He guilt tripped me into returning I suppose. I think he got some cheap sick sexual thrill with what I was doing as well. We have been married for 26 years! I can get Newstart which equates to approximately $650 per f/n. But I was sharing with my friend then. I couldn’t afford to live on that money now Unless I shared with a stranger and even then it would be very hard. I have been an unpaid carer for our youngest daughter with bipolar and anxiety issues for the past 10 years now. Mostly alone as husband started doing FIFO work and isn’t home much. Due to that my work history is scattered. I did manage to complete a Dip. In Community Services Case Management a couple of years ago but due to daughter have never been able to work in the field. She is pretty much ok now. Gee there is SO MUCH more I could write a book! But right now I’m feeling I need to leave my husband once and for all and finally try and get a life happening for me. A life that will restore my self esteem and provide me with true happiness. I’ve been so unhappy and sad for a long time now and I’m not getting any younger. Again thank you so much for responding. It’s nice to know that I’m not overthinking what happened and I have every right to feel as I do x

GoodWitch · ‎13-06-2019

I can understand why you feel too ashamed to confess to your friend, of course that is your choice and understandable. We all do things we're ashamed of sometimes and I know I have trouble admitting to things I don't want people to know about me too. I hope one day you forgive yourself and can hold your head high again. You did what you felt you had to do to survive at the time, anyone walking in your shoes may have walked the same path.

Newstart is criminally low, the government really needs to raise the rate instead of giving themselves pay rises. I know that makes it difficult. But it sounds to me like you have a lot more to offer than you might imagine - it takes skill and patience to care for your daughter, and to complete a Diploma. You've made some great strides. You just need to make a few more...one after another into a future where you aren't trapped in the shame and misery. I believe you can do it.

Good luck

GW

therising · ‎14-06-2019

Hi Bstrong

From what you've said, you have a caring and sensitive nature which is what makes you so full of beauty (beautiful). The rest does not define you; in fact, your experiences actually go against your nature which is possibly why you are in so much pain. When we define our self through false beliefs (lies), I believe that soulful sense of self will protest. When our soul dictates we are beautiful and our mind says otherwise, we can live a life of terrible internal conflict, within a war of thoughts.

The longing to leave your husband is proof of who you truly are: You long to leave the ugliness, selfishness, thoughtlessness and callousness behind because you are beautiful, unselfish, thoughtful and caring. This is the core of who you are.

It can be tough re-entering the workforce after a life of at home caring. I was a stay at home mum for 16 years before finding work outside the home a year ago, at the age of 48. What was I to do? I had little idea, especially seeing I'd be facing a new identity. I'd be going from 'home carer' to 'worker'. I decided to identify with the core of who I am. Knocked on the door of a local aged care facility and I am still there today. I am surrounded by people whose natures I relate to (beautiful, unselfish, thoughtful and caring). By the way, that day I knocked on the door, I was a little terrified.

As I learn more and more about the history of those I serve (the residents), I learn that everyone has their own unique and sometimes painful story. I am certain there will be stories none of them wish to relive. Whether one has experienced what you have, whether another may have been forced to give up a baby at 16 or another found them self on a horrendous battlefield somewhere overseas, there will be painful stories which involve being led into the sacrifice of one's true nature.

That deep internal call to leave your husband is the call to remember your most authentic self. Whether you recall this sense of self through a new job (which confirms your nature) or through the help of counseling or both, I believe you will eventually be led away from your husband in ways you now cannot even dream of.

Whilst we look to the life we want, it is rare for us to get there instantaneously. It is the small steps which typically get us there. One of those steps may involve setting yourself up in the spare room (if you have one) and looking to your husband as a financial resource. I would call that karma!

Take care beautiful one

TimTams · ‎14-06-2019

A FIFO worker who was my partner sexually assaulted me. Be very wary of men in that industry who think treating women like that is okay.

Quercus · ‎15-06-2019

Hello BStrong and welcome to the forum family.

Your name suits you. You are strong. Just reading your posts gave me shivers. You're not overreacting.

Being guilted, shamed, manipulated, threatened and coerced into anything you don't want to do is abusive. It is often hard to identify abuse within a relationship because we want to think the best of people we love. But what your husband did is wrong.

Your body was not his to give. If he was so intent on this path he could have chosen to sell himself for sex. I agree with Good Witch. If you were comfortable with it that is different. But for him to ply you with booze to get through it. That's not consensual sex.

I wanted to reply and ask if you had considered seeking out women's refuge services in your area? Is there a women's health centre locally? On the surface they seem like places where you can go for counselling, art classes, Sport etc but the more I have attended events at my nearest women's centre I've realised they have connections to so many frontline and crisis community services I had never heard of.

You could try Relationships Australia also to find local services to help you leave if you choose to. Or couples therapy if you choose to stay. No judgement here whatever you decide.

On that note... I understand you are ashamed. But in my view you've done nothing to be ashamed about. You kept a roof over your family's heads. You've kept yourself alive.

I think we as a nation forget how common sexual trauma is, generally because we keep it private. What you experienced is not something that will shock people within the crisis services. Because they will have heard it many times before. I suppose I'm trying to say please try not to let feelings of shame stop you from seeking help. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of.

Nat