How to support male partner CSA victim/PTSD

[Reen2050]

My partner and I have been together for 10 months.

Early in our relationship he confided in me childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by two separate adult female caregivers (not related to him) when he was a young and mid teen. I believed him and want to support him as best I can.

He believes he has put this in the past, but I beg to differ. Although he doesn’t have a diagnosis, he fits all the symptoms of cPTSD. Intimacy has been very difficult for us, his moods can change very quickly, and with them his reaction to me. He is prone to avoidant and withdrawal behaviour. He can be erratic, struggle to go to sleep and has impulse control issues around weed, binge eating, alcohol and porn, none of which really cause a major impact on his life but it’s enough for me to notice.

Talking about any of this only seems to make it worse. The only thing he’s been diagnosed with is anxiety and he feels he manages well with meditation, yoga and exercise (which he does to some degree).

He says that any issues are me projecting my anxiety onto him. I do have generalised anxiety but it’s really well managed - my psychologist is very pleased with how far I’ve come and I no longer need meds.

It’s just hard not to be triggered when his attitude towards me changes so abruptly, from loving and sweet to distant and cold. I really want to help him too - I can see that he is hurting when these things happen, but I just can’t seem to reach him and he doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything is off.

Does anyone have any tips (either as partner/carer) of the person with PTSD?I’d be really grateful.

[Reen2050]

Hoping if I bump this someone will help

[quirkywords]

Reen sorry it has taken a while to reply.

It is hard when your partner confides in you then says he is fine but you feel he is not coping.
It is good that he has your support.
Everyone has different triggers . Sometimes it is easier to not think of the trauma of the past but to cope with present.
Do you think there will be a time where he will want help?

[Croix]

Dear Reen2050~

Welcome here -your bump worked:)

I guess you can see problems your partner has, some weed, binge eating, alcohol and porn, plus intimacy difficulties and blowing hot and cold and being distant as well as sleep problems and maybe avoiding matters he should attend to.

He can’t see a problem though there must have been something on his mind to tell you about his abuse as a younger person when you first got together. Even so he says all is OK, and blames you if you raise these matters.

I’m not sure you are able to give an accurate diagnosis (you may be right, I don't know), as this is something for a professional, and it may well be his past history has resulted in the anxiety, with which he has been diagnosed, and which may in fact be a significant factor in his behavior. Your own condition may contribute to your worry though I’m sure if you have noticed his actions as a problem between you there is something that needs attention.

It does not sound an equal partnership where each is confident of the support of the other.

I guess he may not be managing something, and I would think the priority is to get him to go to the doctor and set out all that has been happening, as well as his history of abuse, then see if the original diagnosis holds, and if it needs treatment, or perhaps it is something else.

At that point it may become clearer what your role can be. The hard part of course is to get him to willingly go to seek medical advice and for him to be prepared to act on it. All the time he believes nothing is wrong I’m not exactly sure what you can do.

In my own case (PTSD, depression, anxiety) things degenerated until there was no choice. This is not your situation.

Do you have any ideas how to get him to see a doctor, if not by your own persuasion by someone else in his life he would take notice of?

I would suggest that you may gain some insight by calling 1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 - who are very experienced in the effects of abuse and trauma.

Croix

[GimZim]

Hey there Reen

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to your partner but I'm glad he has someone supportive in his life who believed him, I think that can be really important in healing. I'm sorry about the relationship issues you're having and I can definitely see how his behaviour would be triggering to you.

First things first, I think when you're in a relationship with someone who is traumatised or has these kinds of issues, having your own psychologist is really great so you're set on that front. Caring for someone can become really consuming and you don't want to let relationships with your friends, family, etc be neglected so try and prioritise spending quality time with those people too.

If at some point he decides he wants to explore this and seek treatment you can support him in doing that but unfortunately you can't do much aside from that, it's going to have to be his choice and I think attempts to convince him will probably only start arguments. If he is open to seeing a couples counsellor or something like that that could get the ball rolling, if only to help you two deal with the issues that do arise between you and maybe explore the root cause of them which could lead to him taking individual therapy. Again, that's only going to happen if he's open to it in the first place and he might never be.

I'm sorry I don't have something more optimistic to share. I have CPTSD and am lucky to be in a happy marriage but our relationship was difficult before I started being treated for my mental health.

Best of luck