How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and All,

On Friday I telephoned the psychologist early. I was going to leave her a message on her machine. She actually answered. She does not have email, only an address where her office is and a land line phone.

I couldn't talk much as I was in tears. She gave me a couple of minutes and stated she had no idea her words had caused me so much hurt. That had not been her intention. She said she was concerned I was o upset. She had to go, she had clients waiting.

I need to let her words go. I need to find something to do that will help to cheer me up, start something that will give me a sense of achievement, write in my Gratitude journal again.

It seems my depression has been so horrid for so long now, it is exhausting and I need to rest a while to regain some strength and perspective.

I am struggling. I will accept that. I will find ways to deal with it.

Regards to you all

[Mum Chris]

Hi Doolhofs

i tried positive affirmations before and I don’t think it helped much I just felt stupid saying them and the inner voice that thinks I’m weak and useless and bad person that no one likes is way louder. These have relaxing music as well and are a meditation that plays for hours. I found one that went for 9 hours. I turn it down real low so I can just hear it and because I also suffer with fear just put earbud in 1 ear.
im glad you spoke to the psychologist her approach maybe a bit startling and matter of fact. There seems to be more practical approach in therapy. Psychiatrist are prescribing exercise and diet change as part of mental health treatment. There also needs to be some gentleness and acknowledgment of how vulnerable you are.
its very brave to call not sure I’d have the guts to do that.
If you have a magic wand handy I could really use one. I’d be willing to share it around. Zapp you are feeling better today and Zapp I’m not afraid anymore and Zapp I can see my Grandchildren. Zapp the borders are open and families can reunite.
If you don’t have one the listening and sharing how you are helps. 👍

[Doolhof]

Hi Mum Chris,

Yer, a magic wand would be excellent!

I've borrowed another self help book from the library. This one is about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). The intro talks about a persons experience with trauma. I was reading some of his story and went oh my goodness, so I am not crazy and totally insane after all.

This guy has written about stuff I have experienced. I have always believed I thought that way because I was an idiot, somehow deficient deficient, and not because my mind is holding on to trauma!

I will keep reading the book and hope to gain some more insights.

Today I have a day off work, my husband is working, so I will try to listen to some stuff on You Tube as well. When he is home the T.V or radio are always on. Outside there is the traffic noise and dogs barking. My mind needs peace some days.

I went for a walk before breakfast. It helped a little. Just wanting to cry to day. It is now raining. The sky is leaking as well.

Might get my colouring in happening later.

Cheers to yo and all from Dools

[Guest_1643]

Hi Dools,

I know the feeling so well, holding myself back, feeling like something is missing in me, never attributing my experience to trauma.

I watch a TV show or hear a story about someone's experience and its someasy as an outsider to see that what the person went though is trauma, however for myself,... I find it harder .

I have found groups helpful, if trauma sensitive, in letting myself share my story bit by bit....hearing that others support me and believe me.

Have ppl around u believed u and heard u? U don't have to answer of course, I just found for me that point of not being believed made my life so awful, ppl can Gaslight trauma survivors unfortunately

[Doolhof]

Hi Sleepy,

Thanks for your reply. I've been finding situations at work have been triggering. Sometimes I don't understand the connection or what the problem is, I just know I am reacting to something.

I've never been part of a support group. There was a depression support group in a town close to us but no one could ever tell me how to connect with them, who to contact or when they met.

There is supposed to be a suicide prevention and suicide support group as well in our region. I see they do a lot of fund raising, but when I tried to contact them for details of how they may be able to help, I was told to connect with Beyond Blue and Lifeline!

I was told there is a support group in a town in our council area. We are in a large region and that service is a 2 hour drive away. It is just frustrating trying to get the help in a country area. Tele support only goes so far if you are able to connect with someone in the first place.

I'm trying Sleepy. I really am. I am just so exhausted.

I'm struggling to find any reason for being on this earth.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Doolhof
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can get overwhelming. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

 

[Guest_1643]

Hi dools,

I know Ur trying girl, and also some of those groups may be awful anyway...it takes a reeeeally good leader to facilitate a group and sometimes they are the pits, so triggering.

I'm so sorry the work situations are triggering, hope urnfeelong okay and safe and hear to listen if Ur not, trauma socks and I'm so sorry for those rough feelings. Hoping u have a better day today

[Hanna3]

Dools, I'm sorry you've been going through a bad patch. I hope you are managing OK. I just wanted to send you hugs from me and Sam 💖🐦🌿💗🐕🌳🥀

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Dools...

Your last sentence is so sad and shows us how much you’re really struggling...

Its hard to keep trying Dools and I know how hard you’re trying....

Their are so many reason Dools to be a part of this earth...These reasons are not found in our brain or thoughts...they are found in your heart and soul beautiful lady....

We can look together to find those reasons...one of those reasons is your wonderful friends you have here in this amazing family, love and care for you so much...and we need you...to be here with us..

I’m really sorry something at work is triggering you...and your going through so much hard times...

Caring thoughts precious lady...with a warm hug, How I wish that our hugs could be felt through the screen...

Grandy...

[Doolhof]

Thanks Everyone

I appreciate your thoughts, kind words, love and care.

Will chat more when I can, cheers