How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[quirkywords]

Dools

I am sorry you were treated this way. It seems paperwork is more important than person to person communication.

Dont give up.

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your comments. Part of me wanted to give up yesterday. Part of me just wanted to put an end to this nightmare.

I am so tired of trying to look after myself it is exhausting.

Part of me wants to go to hospital for a rest so someone else can take care of me for a while. I am scared if I do that I will loose my job. That is what happened last time. I went to hospital due to my mental health and didn't have a job to return to.

Last time I went to hospital the nursing staff just yelled at me when I cried and told me to shut up. They told me if I wanted mental health assistance I was to phone Life Line and Beyond Blue.

It seems the options are limited.

If I go to a different medical centre, will it be any different?

The doctors where I attend would have a large number of people paying full price for their services. Yes, I am a low income earner so pay a minimal cost.

Yes I still see the psychologist. There are areas I am seeking clarity for that she will not discuss. Once again I just try to push those issues aside or deep inside me because no one wants to help unravel them and I don't know how to.

I am existing. Why? What is the point? I am tired of struggling or trying not to struggle. Either way is exhausting.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Doolhof,

It sounds like things have been very rough night and that you have little to no support around you. It’s almost no wonder you're feeling the way you are. It takes a lot of strength to share what’s happening for you and reach out to our online community and we’re glad that you have.
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

We want you to know that there is always additional support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on any thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000

[Guest_1055]

Oh Mrs D,

Me too... I know that sensation of only existing.. And questioning what's the point and why. Sometimes it just doesn't make any sense.

And sometimes I wonder do we just keep thinking and thinking too much in our heads. And that in itself can be absolutely exhausting. Such a heavy head.

I am sorry you are not getting the support you want. Can be tricky. As you know, you can write whatever it is you want to unravel on here. Just to get it out of you.

Wish I could help. Maybe simply " just be" and don't try and work it all out. Don't strive for a while. I don't know, maybe you would find some relief in that.

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

Just popping by to see how you are.

Mental health is shockingly underfunded by successive governments in this country. It's a disgrace and we suffer as a result.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so tired of the struggle.

You know we care about you here. Big hugs dear Dools!

💟🌻🌻🐕🦢🦚🌼🌻🌷

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Mental health issues can be so debilitating and exhausting.

I try to help myself. I try to just let the bad days slide by. When I have the energy I try to work through it.

I'm sure many people out there have supportive Drs and have received beneficial mental health care.

[Doolhof]

I've sent an email to the medical centre asking if someone can explain their mental health care policy, especially the processing of Mental Health Care Plan forms.

I received an email back stating this will be discussed at a Clinical Team Meeting next week.

Google informed me the medical centre in the next town down the road charges everyone except veterans. Health care card holders pay a minimum of $20.00 per visit. I pay more at the present medical centre on a health care card!

They call it bulk billing, but you have to pay a two yearly fee. If you don't attend in 6 months you are still charged!

I will wait to hear the result of my email!

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

It's great that you've been proactive and emailed them asking for information, I'll bet they're not used to someone doing that, good on you!

It'll be interesting to see what they come back with!

We'll done you!

I hope you're feeling a little bit better now that you have at least done that.

It's going to be hot today where I live it's a bit too sudden for me and I need some summer clothes but the shops have been unable to get deliveries of stock yet so they only have winter things!

I hope your weekend is OK!

🌼🌻🐕

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thanks for your response.

It will be interesting to see when the medical centre get back to me. I'm confused the person was not able to inform me straight away about their procedures for assisting people with mental health, surely they would have work practice documentation and policies.

I'm not doing so good, struggling to find the motivation to do things at home that are supposed to help me feel better. The mind is so tired that seeing pleasure in most activities is not happening.

Going out for a walk helps, but I need to find things to do at home that bring me a sense of peace, happiness, accomplishment, or contentment at least.

Hope you manage to find some summer clothes! We are expecting some warmer days here this week.

Working this weekend so at least that helps to fill the days!

Cheers to you.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Dools,

I think sometimes we try to hard to find some joy in our lives...and then we get even more depressed looking for it..

I try to find things to do, things that need doing, that I don’t want to do but have to....I push myself to do them and feel so depressed while doing them..I should feel good about getting them done...but I don’t...once their done I feel nothing...

Can we push ourselves to much to find joy in doing things...I think so...

I think that to find some sort of joy, we first have to do something nice and kind for ourselves, to help our soul at least even out between negative and positive thoughts...Finding joy while we are so down and depressed isn’t going to happen for me...

Yet their is joy all around us...in the little things in life...as you know my first go to is sitting outside quietly and looking, listening, feeling what nature has delivered me for the day.,,,whether it’s sunshine, cloudy, cold or raining it is a very different day then yesterday was....plenty of different things to see, hear and feel....Also having a shower and trying to use the whole bar of soap or liquid soap up in one time....especially if it’s scented beautifully....reading a book with scented candles burning...walking in the yard and finding little treasures...rocks are nice to make some pet rocks out of...Making a tiny succulent garden and turning it into a fairy garden....These are just some ideas that might help you, that I seem to find some joy and peace for a while..it doesn’t last for very long...but I do feel grateful that I can get have a break from the negativity in my life...

I am really sorry that your battling so hard Lovely Dools, and I wish so much that I had some gentle and magical words of comfort or some wiser suggestions for you to try..

You have been through so much pain and heartache dear precious lady... I wish one day very soon, that you can get some peace, calmness and serenity in your life...

My kindest thoughts with my love and care precious overly Dools...

Grandy..