How to help? *Trigger Warning: Child Abuse*

[Outofmydepth01]

Hi all,

A warning. Abuse here is as bad as it gets. It involves an unrepentant and unprosecuted incestuous paedophile father who still is manipulative and controlling of his family over a decade after the physical abuse finished.

I'm trying to support my ex but I'm terrified I'll do something wrong as my instincts don't align with the way she lives with her controlling abuser and refuses to confront him, until last night.

The abuse she both suffered and witnessed happening to her younger brothers left every night a nightmare for the almost 20 years since the 4 years of abuse. Almost every time she fell asleep near me she would jolt her self awake while whimpering in the sickness of those nightmares.

I want him to rot a jail cell. But I don't understand the cultural background of her family. Being from a Muslim Bangladeshi heritage with her family still heavily involved with the community makes dealing with the abuse so much harder for her and the family.

But over the last few months she has gained strength as she found a new job that will take her away and had for the first time ever opened up to a therapist (only person other than me she has been fully honest about the abuse with)

Now recently she found her dad cheating on her mum. I can't begin to know how to probe these emotions. She views her mum as both a savior or maybe more fellow inmate/survivor but I also know the immense if unstated disappointment that she never spotted the abuse though she is sure she knew. I know she feels responsible for her though.

When she found out annoy the cheating she confronted him for the first time ever, I don't know what this means and I don't want to just be pushing my agenda to punish the man for his crimes. I want what best for her but I also believe taking that man out of the family is best for all but they are so ingrained in their community I think they think it represents social suicide for them.

Please how do I be there for her? Do I suggest action? Every ounce of me wants to fight. I want to shake her and say that man is ruining your family's life. But I can only support the actions she chooses.

Please I don't know what to do here. Help.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read

[geoff]

hello Outofmydepth, thanks so much for relating your story to us, it's not easy and will never easy for your ex and there's no doubt I feel the same pain you feel about her father in what he has done is absolutely terrible and illegally incorrect.
Other heritages have their own ways but when you live in Australia we have our own rules that need to be abided by, there are no exemptions.
She must have had incredible power to confront this man, her father, so that's one step forward, but only a small one.
Her mum must have been too scared to mention any of his misbehaviour to anyone, frightened for her safety as well as the abuse which he could have carried out on her, so I'm not sure any blame can be put onto her, she would have needed enormous strength to stand up to him, but she was unable to learn how to do this, if she started to show any, then he would have come done on her, so I also feel sorry for her.
Her father needs to be reported for his abuse, they won't be able to do anything about his cheating, that's where his wife has to make a decision to leave and perhaps come with her daughter and perhaps you for the moment, as we're talking about her being an ex, but leave the area, move somewhere new, maybe interstate and try to begin a new life.
Before this happens, if possible is that she definitely needs to see a doctor, who can then approve appropriate treatment and perhaps medication, the same applies with her mum, although this could be a little awkward to try and convince her.
I am all behind you what you told us and hope this is a start to consider. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Outofmydepth01~

Welcome here, and I have to say most people would be like you and feel lost, bewildered, frustrated and directionless. I've PTSD, anxiety and depression but my causes are vastly different from your wife's and I don't really understand cultural barriers.

All I can advise is what worked for me, you would have a better idea of how to apply the principles.

First I was totally removed form the cause of my trauma, in my case my occupation. Second I had long term professional help in the form of GPs and psychiatrists which addressed the symptoms and underlying problems with therapy, counseling and medications. Thirdly I had strong personal support and understanding from my partner, who herself had her mother to support her.

All that mix plus time has put me in a much better state. My first hurdle was admitting to myself what was happening and not just thinking it was personal failure.

It is true that your wife's thinking may to be clear, mine definatly wasn't, and being away from the cause helps this a lot. My wife had to deal with all sorts of problems with me, including anger, distrust, lack of libido, poor thought processes, nightmares, flashbacks and withdrawal, plus other things I've momentarily forgotten.

My wife could of course not understand what was in my head. However by simply being present (when that was not annoying), doing things for me and on my behalf and generally being loving and caring made a huge difference to me. She never judged.

Now apart from anything else I'd imagine your wife would be reluctant to sever ties with her family out of concern for her mother and siblings. This is different to my case where my employed did not need anything that I could provide.

I guess if it was me I'd provide the same sort of support as my wife did me, and talk with your wife and her medical team as to what the next step should be.

Do you have anyone to support you and talk things over?

This situation is not one that can be quickly or easily solved, so input from many sources seems indicated. Apart from keeping on talking here -I'd think others may have things to say - I'd suggest your own medical support too, if only to advise you about dealing with all this.

There are organizations that deal primarily with abuse, our own 24/7 Help Line (number above) is a good starting point.

Croix

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Outofmydepth01,

I have really had to sit and think about my response as there are so many possible paths to take and i so hope that i strike the right cord with you. 
 
Firstly, I think it is very kind of you to have such investment in the health and wellbeing of your ex and her family , it seems at the expense of a lot of distress on your behalf. 
 
There is no one “right answer” but a few frameworks that might be helpful.
 
I feel that it is often murky water trying to see into the all the machinations of another culture and the how what seems clear in one culture can seem absolutely ridiculous in another. Who is right and who is wrong ? We see so many examples of this. In some cultures in is just not the right thing to have sex before marriage and in others it doesn’t matter. In some cultures, the families all live together in compounds, and in others that is just not the done thing. 
 
However I think there are some issues that transcend all cultures and I feel apply universally and, I speak for myself here, it is ethically wrong in ALL cultures, religions and counties and has no place on this Earth . A good example is abuse of children. Another is abuse of women. I believe that these are universal truths and I can’t see that they can apply in any culture or religion.
 
The mechanisms that allows these evils to still operate in many communities are complex . However , you name 2 of them in your post. Some name culture . They say things like “ its just the way we do things”. In my view , thats ok if its about the way you wear your hair or eat your food . But when it becomes about evil to another , then your culture is not a good enough reason. The other reason is secrecy. A great example of this is institutional secrecy around the abuse of young children in various religions institutions , but it also happens on a micro level all the time in peoples homes- the veil of secrecy for the perpetration of evil is maintained . 
 
Now of course, there are so many other reasons why abuse happens in families and communities … its a book in itself , but to try bring it back to your questions about how to support her best, I suggest that you 
1. Urge her to continue her work with her therapist
2. Urge her to make contact , maybe with her therapists support , with a member of the Muslim Bangladesh community who is ALSO working in the area of womens and children rights . This may provide both your ex and her mum an example of how women in their community are able to stand up to abusive men in a constructive and controlled way.
3. Continue to be respectful of the POSITIVE things that the culture gives them but firmly stand against the parts of it that allow thing like secrecy and shame to persist. 
 
But please remember that this is not only in their culture . Many many members of our Aussie/ Anglo community feel exactly the same sense of fear of shame and humiliation at the thought of uncovering their abuse history.
 
Have a look at some of this literature . It may help to explain how difficult this journey is for everyone involved , including YOU. There is a helpline that you may like to ring that will help to answer any specific worries you have or questions about your particular situation.
 
Look after yourself kind person.
 
https://www.safesteps.org.au/