How do i know if i have been trauamatised?

[HamSolo01]

Some deep thinking and reflection on experiences in late teens has made me question myself.
I am unsure if I have suffered emotional and psychical abuse. i don't feel comfortable saying much about it because I have touched on this topic in the past, but I am feeling like it would explain things a bit better for my life now.

I feel quite concerned and worried. Overwhelmed and tired.
 

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. It sounds like you are feeling stressed and concerned.

I think it is best to see a mental health professional about this. They are the most qualified and will be able to support you through your journey.

I hope everything gets better soon. Just remember that we are always here for you 🙂

Stay safe!

[smallwolf]

hi HamSolo01.

do you have anyone that you can talk to about what happened?

that way you might be able to find some way to process what happened. As for what happened you do not have to the elaborate here. Please know I will listen if you want to chat.

[HamSolo01]

hi @Smallwolf and @Sophia16

Thanks for your support. I'm pretty sure I see my psych this friday. I will need to prepare some notes for him. I have actually spent a good deal of time writing about my experiences and things lately - I managed to write about 5000 words in 2 hours. LOL

I think what I am aiming at here is to accurately reflect and describe the experience I am talking about.

I am not exactly comfortable talking about it at length but I think it would help if I actually spoke about it here a bit more.

So basically when I was in my late teens and early 20s I was religiously indoctrinated. There was an elderly male figure in the church community I went to (who was also a teacher at my school) and I used to talk to him about personal things related to sex, intimacy and relationships.

I see it none other than an attempt by a narcissistic, religious zealot convinced of his own self importance, deluded by a devotion to a fundamentalist reading of a religion, with unresolved conflict with his father, credulous enough to believe gods voice told him to do things and obsessed with his own importance.

I was never abused sexually, but he did make physical contact with me to pray and also to hug me once when I was quite upset. He was a very emotional man. When he would talk of gods love or similar themes like this, he was close to crying. I look at this now as nothing short of indoctrination.
It became a hostile relationship - although at the time I was unaware of this.

I was made to feel bad and dirty for my thoughts at this age - when you are developing sexually and having someone who is much older, in a position of respect and admiration amongst your peers, judging you and making you feel terrible about who you are.... is that a form of abuse?

I feel like it is.

The reason it has come up lately is because I have realised that anything related to sex, dating and intimacy now seems to be tainted with memories of these experiences from high school age to early 20s. It's like I have been trying to explore this stuff, but the memories and repressed ideals are stuck there and prevent me.

I think this experience has ruined my sex life and it is why I am still struggling in that realm despite people saying I should be doing well based on what I look like. I am not trying to boast. I'm just saying this is what people have said to me

Anyways I will leave it there for now

[smallwolf]

Hi HamSolo01,

when I started to read your latest reply I was stuck in replying - mainly due to my lack of understanding what was occurring, and you are limited by space and how much you can or want to say.

however, when you said ...

having someone who is much older, in a position of respect and admiration amongst your peers, judging you and making you feel terrible about who you are.

that you were made to feel bad about who you are and the feeling of being wrong or not good enough is WRONG. I won't tell you about things in my life in church and fwiw I still attend, except that a few inside and those who don't go ask have asked me why I still go, or why I have not abandoned the church. I have my reasons.

Given you said this has ruined your sex life, I can guess the things that might have been said to you. Nothing you would have done or thought about etc or whatever was or is wrong or sin. The only thing that is wrong is how you were treated.

[mmMekitty]

Hello HanSolo,

As I began reading your post here, I noticed my own thinking: this feels like abuse, even before you said that's what it feels to you. & I think, you may well have been traumatised by the actions of this man. A teenager/young man such as you were, was not someone appropriate for this man to off-load any of his personally emotional/psychological/religious complexities/difficulties onto. It seems to me he took advantage of your naivete, & sought to influence you in ways he felt were appropriate, given his religious beliefs, nevermind the harm some of the beliefs can cause.

You didn't say if he held any official position within the church, but that he was an much older man, someone you looked up to & trusted, had gone to for guidance is enough to show how unequal the relationship was. The influence he could have over a teenager/young adult is enormous under these circumstances.

& the fact he showed so much emotion could only have made the words have a greater impact on you than would be, if he was matter-of-fact & detached. It is also as if he was wanting to assert some sort of fatherly/priestly role - which says to me, he wanted power & control, even if he called it love. (though not sexual, as you said).

The fact you say the memories continue to arise whenever you contemplate dating, intimacy& sex & these memories keep you from moving towards having an intimate relationship, shows there is something to work on, with your psych, & with yourself.

Great idea to make some notes.

(5000 words in 2hrs - I used to do that! 😺mind, what came out was wet with tears & illegible...)

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[HamSolo01]

hi smallwolf and mmMekitty

All I can say is thank you for your support. You have both helped me articulate what it is I was trying to get at.

I wnated to share this here now with you as well

[HamSolo01]

These days I am finding I am not finding much joy in things - but I am totally okay with it. I think maybe I am growing up. I am finding that I am asking myself questions over what I still want to do before I hit 30, what I don't want to do at all, what things are too late to do, what is worth the effort etc.
I have noticed my empathy has really begun to shine through since practicing radical self compassion.
I read the other day about how three things mattered the most - how we treat others, how others treat us and how we treat ourselves. I realised today on my walk and when I saw the sunrise that there was but one part of this i fail with - how i treat myself. I have never had complaints from others about my treatment of them and I've gone through life grudge free.
So much of my issues stem from how I view myself. I mentioned recently how I had written a heap of words about myself something like 5000 in 2 hours.
It was a catharsis.

I am finding choice paralysis is hitting me a lot these days. But maybe this is the aftershock of being in the depths of depression. I don't know what the phrase "onwards and upwards" entails tbh. But I like the idea of it

My life this year so far (we are in May already)

- I went back to my job and only lasted a couple of months and quit
- I used my studies as an excuse and then quit those studies. Got a refund
- I interviewed for a job in my field but didn't get it because I did not perform well in the interview. I kind of knew this going in
- I have applied to some peer support roles and will be looking into that in the short to medium term
- The dream is to study again in something I am fascinated by (relevant to my undergraduate course) and hopefully go overseas to do that. But it is hard because of my results. The potential I have to succeed is not reflected in my current grades but it is something i would like

What I have to learn from here:
- Patience
- That while some things are too late to happen, there is much more in life left to experience and the idea that there is a timestamp on things is nonsense. Many things just get recycled in life and are never really truly once in a lifetime things
- The sense of FOMO i have around many things in life is not well grounded. Because there has been tragedy, trauma and suffering in life quite close to me. I think that has enabled me to be compassionate to myself as well. Life is unfair but I don't think this makes it horrible
- I have options

[mmMekitty]

That's a lot of good reflecting & thinking you are doing.😺

But as for being too young, everyone here is just right) People come here when this is where they need & want to be, for all the reasons we have, & none are out of place.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty