How do I believe in myself?

[NKL__]

My name is Nat, I'm 29 years old and up until this last year, my entire life has been a constant repetition of trauma and abuse.

I have seen my mum overdose on heroin more times than I can count, I've visited her in hospital when she went on a binge so much that she almost lost her legs, her kidney function, her life. When she drank it was different, it was violent. She's abused me, my sister, strangers passing us by, I've seen her try to kill herself in front of us, the list goes on.

I've had to undress her from homemade diapers and bathe her because she didn't want to get up to go to the toilet anymore, taken her to court appointments for when she's attacked people in streets and more recently spent two years by her side when she was in a psych ward from drug induced psychosis after trying to kill her neighbours. I would call her doctors on my lunch break to work out her treatment and rehab plans, visit her every weekend and clean out her house so she had a real home to come back to and within 6 months she started drinking and doing drugs. It broke me and I knew it was time to take space from her so I could focus on giving myself the same love, care and effort I was giving her.

To add to the list of traumas, I've been drugged and raped twice and both times were away with friends, they knew what happened when they found me but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud, none of them wanted to address it and ruin their holiday so we acted like it never happened.

I feel like everything has worn me down so much that I don't have anything left to give in this life. I try to practice mindfulness, awareness and gratitude. I do affirmations, meditate and have gone to therapy when I can afford it but whenever I do anything good for my self I can feel this deep seeded belief that things won't work out for me and I am always walking around with this sense of doom and insecurity. I can't go anywhere or do anything when I'm alone, I completely shut off and dissociate watching days go by and thinking nothing of it. I don't know how to make myself believe that I can get better, I am doing all the things to help but I know none of it will work unless I truly believe happiness and positive change will happen and I can't.

How do I start believing in myself?

[white knight]

Hi NKL, welcome

You can believe in yourself and not only overcome and manage this trauma but one day put it down to experience that makes you stronger. This is an unusual post of yours in that you've suffered greatly in a number of ways. So you'll need to focus on your end goal, that goal must be realistic, reachable and not deny yourself of individualism by robotic methods of recovery eg some radical thinking imo could help. Any links I attach- just need to read the first post of each.

I'm here daily and am willing to continue on with replies as long as you need them. We are peer advisors so lived experience is our strength, we dont replace professional medical people but being open 24/7/365 we have ease of access that could give comfort and knowledge for a path forward.

• do you have siblings that can share some of the burden?
• have you sort respite from human services/local council?
• are you under a psychologist?

Positive thinking is more involved than what people think, the change to it that is. In my case (I'm 66yo so it happened 40 years ago) came with a jolt from a motivation lecture. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

Like giving up smoking, motivation may need for you to wait until you are in the right frame of mind

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

Chasing peace of mind? Some people can focus on a flower, a bee, the sky and see beauty in that they appreciate life. Others need oodles of money for retail therapy. Tell me your version of peace of mind please.

I'm running out of characters. Do you have a hobby, sport, friends, do you cook etc. Here we're anonymous, relax, come here when you like as often as you need. I'm Tony Whiteknight and I'm here for you. It's ok, it's all ok.

TonyWK