Horrible dream triggering anxiety & bad feeling about myself

[Elizabeth CP]

As background information I was diagnosed with PTSD related to being caught in a bushfire a child. Most of the time I am fine but find hot weather particularly if the fire danger is high I struggle. For the last week it has been hot and now my husband who I care for is sick. I am currently on some medication for a physical health issue which is making me feel blah! On top of that I am tired from lack of sleep due to heat & some health issues.

Last night was very hot (although fire danger wasn't severe) & my husband was coughing & sounding very ill. This led to a very broken sleep. At one point I had a horrible dream about a bushfire where I couldn't think straight enough to organise myself so I could leave before too late. I found when I woke up I was still half in the dream & spent the rest of the night worrying about how useless I was. When I got up I was still breathing fast & feeling very shakey due to the anxiety & bad feelings brought on by the dream. I know it was a dream but that didn't stop it triggering the negative beliefs about myself caused by the original fire. Thoughts include feeling guilty & useless because I didn't do anything to help as a child with the dream reinforcing the fact that I still can't deal with situations where I need to act as a competent adult to prevent harm to myself or others. This then morphs into feeling useless anyway. I feel like when it is hot my life is put on hold. I'm unable to do anything useful and I can't do anything enjoyable. Summer stretches in front like a prison sentence.

Does anyone else relate to this.

[Quiettall]

Hi Elizabeth

I dont have such drastic dreams, but I do have repetitive dreams about sitting exams at university, and failing them. I struggled through uni, although my family thought I was brilliant. I barely made it through and actually failed some subjects and had to repeat them. I still wake up feeling a failure for this, and also recently have dreams where I seem to be mentally reviewing current situations and relationships, and somehow trying to work out better ways of handling them.

I had that experience last night and all day today felt flat but sort of on edge, and a bit pre-occupied. So you are not Robinson Crusoe. In saying that it is important we make sure we ensure that we realise that dreams are just that....dreams....Reality is totally different. Although I have found some dreams have inspired me to do some particular things better, or woken from a dream with a new perspective on a situation.

Hope these comments have given you some hope that you are not alone.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you

[Guest_1055]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry you experienced all that last night. You poor thing.

I haven't been what you have been through, in regards to the fire when you were a little girl. But it must have been really traumatisng for you back then for you to have such bad dreams and be triggered by hot weather now. I am indeed sorry.

I don't live with PTSD, so I don't know what it is like for you. But Elizabeth, I don't understand... you were only a young girl, how could anyone expect such a young one to know what to do at a time like that. Or am I missing part of the story here??? Anyway I am guessing you were in shock or just froze or something similar. I know a little of your background in regard to that fire from perhaps even the first thread you started. I am trying to understand why you would feel guilty even, because it appears to me you did absolutely nothing wrong at all.

And also I know you feel like you are doing nothing useful, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you are. Your hubby is sick, and you take such good care of him. Even helping him to walk around safely because he is blind. Plus I am pretty sure you would be taking care of his other needs as well. And you looked after you dear mum for all those years. You even said something that was very useful and kind to me on the walking thread, just this very morning, Even though you were struggling with all this tiredness.at the moment.

I long for you to be free from all this. I don't see that you did anything wrong in regards to the fire, but have you ever considered forgiving yourself, forgiving that young Elizabeth girl? I mean no disrespect or anything. But that thought just popped into my mind. I just want you to be free.

I do hope you start to feel better soon and your hubby also. Do you have a air conditioner?

Love

Shell xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks for your reply Shelley, Your posts always come across as somone who cares about others & would never wish to harm anyone.

It is hard to understand & it is hard for me to explain. I found I became upset even thinking about what happened & how to explain it. My psych asked me (as an adult) to write to me as a child to reassure that child as if I was speaking to someone else of that age. This helped me put things into perspective so I was very disappointed with my reaction re the dream as it felt like I had regressed. Logically I know why I acted like I did (I believed we would die so I couldn't even think of anything to do to help. Afterwards I felt guilty because I could have used the time to collect photos & other irreplaceable items to carry out with us. I can acknowledge that most of the time I function reasonably well even though I think I should do better. In stressful situations when I need to act sensibly to overcome what is wrong or at least reduce the damage I fall apart. To me I see a long line of failures or me over-reacting. I also feel embarrassed about this so I try to hide it from others because I worry they will think I'm stupid. For example in 2009 I was at work & heard there was a fire near my home although not directly threatening it. I became so distressed I couldn't function. I hid in the office facing the computer so no-one could see my face. I couldn't face the patients I was supposed to be treating. I felt stupid & guilty for not working properly & petrified someone would notice my reaction. I ended up ringing my husband at work to leave a message re the fire & that I wouldn't come home. The person thought I meant I was leaving my husband for good. I eventually went home 6am the following morning to get changed for work after the fire was under control. The dream reminded me of all the times I have overreacted or not been able to function in stressful situations (normally related to fire) & the fact I have so much difficulty explaining to others so I spend so much energy trying to pretend I'm fine until I blow up & can't cope & have to run away.

[Guest_1055]

Dear Elizabeth

Are you feeling any better today? And were you able to get some more quality sleep?

I have read your last post quite a few times now to get a better grasp on what you go through like now and way back. But my mind keeps coming up with the same, and that is its not your fault Elizabeth. It is simply not your fault that you didn't go on in and get stuff when there was a fire. If you thought and believed you were all going to die, which would have been quite a scary thing to think for anyone, but a young girl properly more so. So have you considered that you were feeling so scared and fearful, plus most likely dazed and in shock.....Well it is a challenge to think rational thoughts when one is like that. I truly believe you did nothing wrong. I am very cautious of saying too much about the fire because I don't want to distress you further or anything. And also I don't want to sound like I am lecturing you or anything similar. So I hope I don't come across that way, like some sort of "know it all". If I have, I am indeed sorry..I just care is all.

And I understand I think about the fire in 2009, when you were working. Is it like it triggered your memory of the previous fires, so this in turn brings up all the emotions from that time. You sort of live through it again? And going home simply would have been too much to endure, which is understandable. And you were scared of what people may have thought about you.

I do hope me writing all these words hasn't distressed or triggered you further, as I am a little concerned it might. So I will end this post now.

Also has it helped you not to blow up, venting out on here rather than pretending all is well or keeping things bottled up. I do hope so Elizabeth.

Hope you and your hubby get some proper sleep soon too.

Shell xx

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~
I'm posting to you to to let you know that while I don't have your experiences I can relate to the nightmares & their aftermath. In fact your post brought my things to the fore just now, however don't worry, I'm good.

I finally invalided out of the police in the mid 80's with PTSD and other stress related matters.

One of the last incidents involved a fire - I'm not going to go into any details.

What is relevant is that 30+ years later I can nightmare about that incident & others as if more real than real, and other times become preoccupied by them during the day - neither that often nowadays thank goodness

Coming awake, for me, in these circumstances, is not 100%. The feelings and emotions linger forcefully on, gradually abating. If I have to go to work or some other concrete task then getting out of house and into another environment helps greatly, replacing the thoughts and memories with fresh situations and distractions - though my performance can be not up to par for quite a while.

The thoughts/emotions involved are chances lost, self blame, responsibility unfulfilled, ignorance that should have been knowledge, overconfidence. They can be potent.

I've no answer how to get rid of these, I cannot 'think' them away with rational thought - though I'm starting to try a mindfullness app.

I'm out of sight better than I was, life normally is pretty good.

I guess I'm trying to say I can relate, that's all.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Shell,

I slept a bit better last night My husband seems to have a bit more energy but still tires quickly doing very little. I was a bit worried at tea time as my husband was coughing & really struggling to eat. Turned out he had forgotten his medication which helps him swallow & digest food. I just need to keep an eye on him till he recovers properly. The fatigue from the illness puts him at risk of getting food &/or stomach contents into his lungs which is dangerous. As long as he is sensible & allows himself to recover rather trying to do stuff too soon he should be fine.

I saw my psychologist today & discussed the dream & its effect on me. He explained that traumatic events events in childhood have a bigger impact than for adults. He also explained that PTSD can be cumulative so experiencing repeat events related to the original trauma can make things much worse. This explains why I have reacted more strongly since Black Saturday than before. I have to learn to accept my reactions as normal in the circumstances rather than feeling stupid for reacting as I do. After acknowledging my reaction is normal I need to either remind myself that I am safe & try to take my focus off the trigger. Otherwise if there is any risk or threat I need to head to somewhere I feel safe. There is no point in trying to force myself to stay as I'm unlikely to act logically & I'd probably have to leave anyway. It is easy to know what to do but hard to put into practise when I'm really anxious & upset. I just have to try.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix, It helps knowing I'm not stupid but the reactions are 'normal' for someone in my or your situation. Just wish there was a magic wand to fix it. Thanks for sharing.

[Guest_1055]

I am glad you got to see your psych Elizabeth and get some extra help, for I was getting a little concerned for you.

I wonder if you could just write out in simple points on a card the steps you need to take to remind yourself what to do when you become triggered, anxious and perhaps not able to think so logically or something? So all you need to do is sort of follow it. Not sure if it would work, and maybe you have already thought of that. So I will just leave that idea with you.

That is good your hubby has a bit more energy. Are you feeling much better re the meds you were taking that made your mouth taste horrible or something?

Hope you have a much better day tomorrow.

Shell xx