Help please

[G33MA]

I am really sorry to bother you I know people need this more than I do but I was wondering if I could have some help please. I’m so tired. I have bipolar, PTSD, chronic adjustment disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalised anxiety, social anxiety, mild Tourette’s, recent trauma & autism. I find studying relaxing & I like nothing better than being on my own. I work full time & have my own routines and rituals that help me feel better. I was raised by an extremely abusive mother (physically & emotionally) as well as a dad I adored. My grandmother and I were really close and my mother hated this so I was belted after each visit for one reason or another. She was very open with how much she didn’t like me & that I was odd. She would repeat phrases telling me people didn’t like me. . By the time I was 12 I had anorexia. I completed 2 university degrees & was married at 25. Had my beautiful son at 26. This is when the abuse started & I did everything I could to make sure I protected my son from it. My life was threatened repeatedly & he had a knife stuck in a post just outside the back door to remind me of what would happen if I disobeyed him. He finally left me for someone else so I was able to escape the marriage.  There was then 9 years in court to try and stop my son going. He had already told me he didn’t want our son as he wasn’t a girl but continued with court. My son hated his father because of the abuse. 6 years after this marriage ended I met someone else who was the physical opposite of my 1st  husband. He was also an abusive alcoholic who had 3 teenage children who would steal from me, take drugs and trash the house. . These behaviours ignored by their father and left for me to deal with - even looking for ice addict when they ran away (many times). I financially not only lost everything but was over $60000 in debt when he left me for someone else.  

growing up we saw mum  threaten dad with a knife on 2 occasions. She would threaten to kill us many times. Through my marriage my mother refused to speak to me because I had disobeyed her & got married. Last year my dad died. I moved in with her to help her.  My companion dog was run over and killed in her yard. I have a new dog,  am terrified of losing her.. My nephew lives here. He lies, won’t help and won’t pay board. Tonight I had a massive fight with mum because of something she said but she denies it, instead rang my sister and cried to my sister so now I am dirt. I don’t know what to do. 

[therising]

Hi G33MA

My heart goes out to you regarding the loss of your dad last year, as well as the loss of your beloved support companion under incredibly distressing circumstances. To have lost 2 such deeply valued and loved guides in your life must have been heartbreaking. While your son remains a light in your life, how to manage the impact of the darker side of human nature remains a challenge.

You have been through so much (putting it mildly) while facing the fallout of all you've been through, as well as what you're going through right now. You're incredible, what you've managed to achieve in the face of enormous hardship and challenge. You have my deepest admiration. You really are an incredible person. I wonder whether you have any constructive guides in your life right now, such as your son, a mental health consultant, a close friend and/or someone else. Developing a circle of all the right people when it comes to helping us face a number of challenges can make a difference. As forum members find your thread here, I imagine they'll make a variety of suggestions when it comes to who or what organistions you could add to your circle of support and growth. Whether the circle's comprised of soulful guides, mental health guides, financial guides or people who've faced similar experiences to you who can offer some light based on the knowledge they're gained in the way forward, can be so incredibly important to have a variety in that circle, based on a variety of different needs.

I imagine, given past relationships, that the people pleaser in you was well exercised, in order to help keep the peace (especially out of fear). The people pleaser can sound like 'Don't upset him/her whatever you do. If you don't say anything, everything will be fine. Just don't say anything no matter how much you want to' and on it goes (aka suppression). When the people pleaser's so well exercised, can be so hard to fully embrace and practice bringing our intolerant sense of self to life more and more. From personal experience, I have to say this part of me (intolerant facet) is one of the most upstanding parts of me. It brings with it a very different dialogue and a very different set of feelings. It'll be willing to fight with just about anyone and for good reason. That part of us fights for what we're entitled to (more respect, more consideration, the right to be heard, the right to not be degraded, abused or treated like garbage). Often, it can be triggered through anger, a sense of injustice, an intense need for healthy self expression and so on. The thing is, when it comes to life more and more, the labels can start to roll in thick and fast, such as 'Difficult', 'Mean', 'A b***h', 'Challenging' etc. Our intolerant sense of self is definitely a fearless boundary setter. The boundary setting dialogue may sound like 'I will not clean up a single thing after a person who refuses to contribute to this house in the way of board, work, honesty or anything else!' BAMM! 'I will not tolerate a single degrading thing you say to me, so don't even think about going there!' BAMM! 'I refuse to tolerate mixing with members of this household who cannot show me the respect I deserve. If you're looking for me, I'll be in my room. I warn you, do not knock unless you can show me consideration and respect!' BAMM! Boundary, boundary, boundary. DO NOT CROSS!

Whether you continue to stay in the house or not, could this be a time in your life where your intolerant sense of self is champing at the bit to fully come to life in the many ways in which it longs to serve you? Warning: It can come to life with a fury, if we're not careful. As it gradually wakes us up to all the stuff we should never have had to tolerate, a sense of rage can develop.