Hello, I am New and bit unsure/wary

[CPK]

Hi, Not sure what section I shld be in so start here. I was told I shld contact Beyond Blue for some personal contact/connection as apparently they think I am not doing so well .

Bit unsure of what to type as usually the one listening and rarely divulge anything to anyone unless throwing a temper tantrum. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety (ptsd); brain injury, aas (pabs); epilepsy, spinal injuries, insomnia, arthritis and other stuff. Was told to be as upfront as possible so will add that most injuries were inflicted/caused by third parties so have massive trust issues. Prefer the company of animals to humans. Have no memory prior to 2003 (lost 40yrs worth) which is both a curse and a blessing.

I love reading anything except love stories, currently reading 'In the Trenches of Hell', 'The making of Australia', Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee'; Love jigsaw puzzles; listening to my music (60&70's). My best-friend and part-carer is my ex who has the patience of a saint thankfully. Until late 2016 had a med/assist dog (my second) who I discussed everything with, have put on 2.5 stone (17kg) since he passed and still miss him terribly.

[Guest_9809]

Hello CPK, and welcome to the Beyondblue Forums. You've posted in exactly the right place! Its pleasing to hear that a health professional has suggested you join BB forums. It does enable contact and connection with like minded people. You will find many kind people here who each experience mental health issues, same as you and I. Though not professionals, we do share our own unique mental health journey. This makes us perfectly suited to offer advise and support to others who are going through the same things that we have done in the past, or are currently going through at present. You will be met with compassion and understanding from a very supportive bunch of lovely people. I'm so glad you have been convinced to join us.

Be assured this is a secure site and your safety and anonymity is protected through a strict moderation process. Please feel free to discuss any matter that you would care to bring up with us. Be as upfront as you're comfortable in being, but just be aware that certain words may trigger the moderation filter to temporarily hold up an occasional post. But dont worry, it will come through eventually, sometimes with minor changes to ensure other readers are not triggered by distressing content.

Thanks for your introduction. You poor thing, you have certainly been through 'the wringer' havent you? I also suffer from PTSD, along with the usual anxiety and periods of depression and OCD and I have chronic pain as a result of a long term back injury. But nothing compared to what you endure. (-:

I think its very common for most of us with PTSD to experience major trust issues especially when our PTSD is as a result of a person/s knowingly inflicting trauma upon us. It must be difficult to not have a memory prior to 2003. There are times I think that would be a blessing, but I realise you would have lost so much good stuff as well, so that would be hard. If only we could chose what to forget and what to remember.

Oh I'm so much with you regarding animals, and I am really sorry to hear that you lost your assistance dog recently. That would have been devastating for you. We have a Pet Thread here which you may enjoy reading and/or contributing to. Who is this fellow in your profile pic? Copy and paste the following address to your browser and please reply there if you'd like:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/pets---helping-you-through-tough-times-and-keeping-you-well

Please post back.

Taurus

[geoff]

hello CPK, I'm deeply sorry for what you have had to go through, especially when it's been caused by another party.
I'm in the same position you are in, as I've been assaulted and also suffered a head injury causing epilepsy, while the attackers got off with a minuscule fine, while I have been affected for life, couple this with depression, anxiety, and social anxiety and lost a dog I have had for 18 years plus many other issues, so I absolutely understand everything you're talking about.
I hope that you will feel comfortable being on this site and would very much love to hear what ever you want to say, and as Taurus has mentioned she has provided the link for the pets we have lost, I hope this will help you, but please I hope you will reply. Geoff.

[CPK]

Thank you Taurus4826. Sorry for the delay, I did start to write back the other week but deleted as was getting a bit venomous 'n' angry, was in a lot of pain at time.

My new GP recommended BB as I basically stopped talking after my boy passed aug'16. The pic is of him in Feb/Mar'06. I basically shut down after, even now I am looking at 12 mths worth of receipts that need d/entry, plus haven't unpacked a single box since he left, so still have 20+ boxes to unpack. The two of us moved back to Bne early mid'16 to share a priv. rental with my part carer. The longer takes to replace him the more depressed 'n' angry am getting.

My Epilepsy is frm being kicked in the head with steelcap boots mid 90's (didn't realize home sick when broke in); bit of a beating n other stuff; But I am one of the lucky ones as meds work 95% of time. I make up for it when I do go Ka-thud as nearly always ambo job.

The memory loss is a blessing in that I don't remember anything bad except when dreaming/nightmares, I never remember except am awake every 90 mins or so. It did ruin my marriage, he is still my best friend & agreed to share the rent here so could have my med assist dog with me. Know am lucky to have his help & I never thank him enough. Was lucky getting this place owners are dog owners & happy to have my boy live inside, even came to meet him after mved in.

Sorry you also have chronic pain (back injury), winter is a bitch it makes everything 3x worse than normal. I hope you got some justice for what you have to endure. Unlike Geoff I will never get the satisfaction of anyone being punished (big Business'n'Govt), workcover 'lost' my paperwork over 10 times, then sent the wrong paperwork to qcomp, 05 & 06 injuries are still outstanding. Oh well, I hope they are all enjoying the new Mitsubishi they must have got.

Can I ask 'shld I be taking something for my depression', they have asked me often past 20 yrs but always refused; I take 9 tabs in am and 4 in pm plus pain meds, the thought of taking even more scares me.

Re-written this 5 times, I start to talk about stuff n choke up or start crying. I think the two dogs have kept me grounded the 27 yrs between them. I know am deteriorating longer it takes to replace Oscar; but costs $30k now, I spent $3k in '06 for 12 mths traing/cert & dog frm pound. Am starting to think its unobtainable, crying again now bit stupid. Hve to get ready another Dr apt this arfo & a biopsy tomorrow, crap just keeps comin.

[Guest_9809]

Hi CPK, and thanks so much for getting back to us.

Hmm, yeah agreed, pain does tend to make us a little angry and bitter. I have been down that path.
Interested to hear that your GP recommended BB, for me it was my psych who recommended it. She thought that I may 'open up' more and would benefit from the support and advice from others also suffering from PTSD. I tend to be very introverted, and not a talker at all, so I dont have friends I can talk to or confide in. But I do find that the written word is therapeutic for me. So I am grateful that she recommended this site.

Yes very true about winters being worse when it comes to injuries. That is definitely the case for me as well.

Not quite sure which you meant when you said that you hoped I had some justice for what I have to endure. If you meant about my back injury. I guess I did, in a way. My former employer continues to pay for any medical expenses relevant to my work injury. That helps somewhat, and it wasnt an onerous process for me. I was lucky I guess, in that it was all very straightforward. However if you meant with regards to the reason for my PTSD. Well thats another matter entirely. The perpetrator of the crime against me has never been punished, as I never reported the event to the authorities. So I continue to live in fear that I could one day come across him again, despite moving many hours away from where I know he continues to live.

But I fully understand your bitterness and disillusionment about 'the processes' of big business, government agencies, etc when it comes to workcover issues.

So sad about your assistance dogs. Obviously they have been more to you than an everyday pet which most of us have. And I know how devastating it is to lose a much loved pet. They really do become a lifeline in many ways. I wish it were easier and cheaper for you to obtain another dog. And no, it certainly is not stupid to cry when thinking that another dog may be unattainable for you. I empathise much with you on that score. I have my little mutt here beside me, and she's just adorable. She was a giveaway when her previous owner didnt want her. Not a trained assistance dog of course.

How did you get along with your Dr apt on Thursday, and the biopsy on Friday? Sorry it took a while to reply to your post on Thursday. I've been away supporting my Mum after her mastectomy last week. So I had no access to computer or internet until last night.

Hope to hear from you again.

Taurus

[CPK]

Hi Geoff, thank you 4 the reply, am feeling physically better than last week. Bit strange as I'm usually the one listening in human conversations not the talker, yet use to tell the dog everything. So sorry you lost your dog especially after so many years together. My boys were both relatively big boys who looked after me for 27 yrs between them.

I am lucky regarding Epilepsy as meds seem to control it mostly, though w/out dog bit unsure of myself when leaving the hse. So use to passing inspect'n before going anywhere, few occasions I had to ring old jobs & say wasn't coming in as the dog wouldn't let me (drive) near the car. Too scared to even take a bath as not here to keep my head above water if have seizure. 4 yrs seizure free at present but worried stress of finding a trainer & cost plus getting more n more depressed may start them again, but fingers crossed n knock on wood etc.

I am on the Epi facebook (real name) but will be advising them shortly will be off again for a while (bad Biopsy news) until fully processed info. I found Epi site very helpful, getting info 20+ yrs ago frm Spec. was like pulling teeth, learnt more past 12 mths on this site than ever frm spec.

My throat & neck injuries are from being put in a choke hold while having a seizure approx7 yrs ago @ emply.agency. While chiro is working my spine to help manage pain won't let him near throat/neck; too much damage, my skull rubs on vertebrae when turn head and cartilage in throat is damaged, clicks every now n then and can't swallow or talk n on occasions can't breathe till push the stupid thing back into place. Shit happens is my saying when can't do anything about. (camouflage).

May take a while to process todays news feel like just got told no aero chocs @ woollies (not sure if care or not).

Better rely 2 Taurus before disappear for a few days but promise will come back as soon as processed todays info, will probably need the help when sinks in.

[CPK]

Hi Taurus, Just finished replying to Geoff so am replying to you as well. Luv to yr mum, family always must come first, my mum was in hosp on & off for 4 mths begin this year; she is good now, got a pacemaker mid april.

Was at Dr this am to get biopsy news, not good. Don’t think has sunk in really as nearly laughed at her expression when I replied ‘Oh well, something else to add to the list’. She advised wld be about a mth before hear back from cancer clinic for possible appt as req surgery.

As I told Geoff, I feel like just got told wasn’t any aero chocs at woollies. Will probably take a few days to sink in, just as well am seeing Psychol next Monday. First thing I did after leaving dr was walk to hairdresser n make appt to wash my hair thurs morn.

Weird really, not frightened or upset, not angry, nothing. My mum told me few yrs ago when was a kid, if angry or pissed off at someone/thing use to turn off like they/it didn’t exist even if the cause was in same room; guess I still have that ability as only thing I want 2 do right now is do a cple of jigsaws puzzle with maybe a little baileys in my coffee.

Don’t think I will tell any family yet till know whats going on, but suppose will have to tell Steven as he also lives here & as my p/carer will probably take time off to go to appt with me.

Oh well, got other tests still need setting up, xray n ultrasound of r/shldr, pain is getting worse and can’t raise it anymore; hairdresser tomorrow, podiatrist Fri, psychol on Monday, chiro on Wednesday plus cple books to return to library before this Saturday.

Think I will go put the kettle on and break out either the baileys or a little shot of port. I maybe off the nett for a week or two while I process this mornings info, but I promise will return as will most probably need the help.

Thank you, PS are you an april Taurus?? Shirt wearing at present reads “ I’m a April Women, I was born with my Heart on my sleeve, a Fire in my Soul and a Mouth I can’t Control”. I bought it cause it is me to a tee.

[Guest_9809]

Good morning CPK, and thanks for your return post.

Good to hear that your Mum is now doing well with her new pacemaker. Medical science is a pretty wonderful thing isnt it? My Mum is still in hospital actually, but she is expecting to be released today sometime. She'll be fine, but will need some extra care for a while. She's a very independent old girl, so she wont be too happy with that. Oh well.

I am really sorry to hear that your biopsy news was not good. I realise you were taking some time out to process the news, and I hope you are coping okay with that so far. Although you have set yourself a pretty cracking pace for the week - hairdresser, podiatrist, psychologist, chiro, library etc. All distractions I guess, which can be good. But you still need to take time to process your cancer news.

I can understand that because I am going through something similar with my hubby. He was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer last month, and continues to go through a pile of tests and scans to try to determine where its primary source is. The waiting and the uncertainty is really hard to deal with.

Ah ... you like baileys and port. I do too, but not normally in my coffee or tea. I like it straight on occasion.

So you are an April birthday I gather? I'm a May Taurean, although reading that description, it does sound a little like me. (-:

I look forward to hearing back from you when you're ready CPK. There are times all of us need a little bit of extra TLC and some understanding support. The BB Forum community will always be there to provide that.

Wishing you the best.

Taurus xx

[CPK]

Hi Taurus, was at RBHW Tuesday, not good news. They can't remove the cancer, but am booked in for surgery on 11th Oct for possible lymph node removal both sides. Then will start radiation after that and see how it goes. Will be laid up for 2 weeks after 1st surgery. Steven (ex & best friend) took the news badly, he took time of work to take me to the RBH, stayed with me while getting the reports. I lost control for about 30 minutes & had a little cry Wednesday arfo, so got that out of the way, then pulled myself together again.

Seems the cancer has been growing along scar tissue from a work injury, I thought it was only a couple of cm in size (part can feel) but apparently it is 10 cm long. Not sure what is wrong with me but I still feel nothing. Except for the little cry Wednesday I think I have 'turned off'.

Blue Care is coming out Friday to see me and arrange weekly cleaning help till end of October with the floors and bathrooms; with possible personal care after get home from hosp for the first week. Apparently I won't be able to sit or stand as want me prone as much as possible for two weeks. At least I won't have to stay in hosp, at present going to let me come home the very next day, hate hospitals, said I would need crutches so cld go out for a smoke as they don't have rooms with windows that open anymore or verandahs. Hate being locked up in tiny rooms with no air.

Hopefully I will start to get angry soon, as that's is what kept me alive back in 06 when got hurt. Wasn't supposed to make it back then, just enough of a bitch to want revenge and justice and too stubborn to die I think. Don't know how will go this time as sometimes seize under anaesthetics, plus don't have a dog to come home to this time either to keep me company and talk to. Won't even be able to play computer games as won't be able to sit.

Just thought I would bring you up to date, thanks for listening. RBH phoned today want more test done before I check in. Hopefully I will start to feel something soon.