Guilt for not going to the police *TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE*

[Hidden_secrets]

Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse 

My first memory was my father walking into the lounge picking up my older sister and taking her to the bedroom while my sister screamed she was 4 i was 3 our mum had just went to the store to get milk.. As you can imagine what was happening it was horrible one day mum walked in and saw what happened she packed our bags took us to our nans she went to the police but they told her to wait until we were older because they thought we were to young to be in court, at that point mum contacted dhs and they helped us with short term therapy and legal help for custody battles. But it didnt help we moved from house to house and dad always found us, but more issues had started when i was 4 my eldest brother 9 years older made me his target as well. threatening me saying if i dont submit he would use my younger sister instead(2) being young and afraid i didnt know what to do knowing i hated what was happening and how wrong it was but to scared to tell my mum, would she believe me? Well it turns my silence was for nothing she found him raping my sister at the age of 6 though i didnt find this out until years passed, she sent my brother to counseling and made him live with nan .. So at age 8 i was free, well at least until 13 when my brother came back i understand my mum thought he was better after years of counselling. nobody wants to believe their child is a monster. I was again ashamed and scared again constant disgust not wanting to admit what happened in fear of being told im lying or worse being told its my fault. At 16 my brother left again and a few months later my stepdad called me a lazy asshole like my bro and i broke down saying id never be like that monster when my mum came home she made me talk to her explain of course she cried saying sorry she didnt know and explained how she found him and sent him to counseling and she didnt know it was happening to me at all, and that she would have got me help. from that day none of my family talk to him and that day i ran away looking for a place with no memories now at 19 im engaged i have a great relationship with both my mum and other siblings but i also have a son hes 7 weeks old tomorrow and i feel constant guilt knowing that those vile humans are out there and im not trying to stop them cause im to afraid to see them in court i am guilty for not saving other kids for not protecting my own, i dont know what to do

[Quercus]

Hi Hidden Secrets,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. So brave and it will help so many silent readers knowing they aren't alone.

What you experienced is horrific. Can I ask if you have a good team of supports (medical and otherwise) around you now? Having a new baby is a vulnerable time (all the hormones and the anxiety about being completely responsible for this little person's wellbeing).

It would be a good idea to check in with your GP/counsellor/psychologist and just talk this through. Just start some self care to protect yourself now. Plus I am so glad you are talking here. You are safe and very welcome here.

To me it is completely understandable that you don't feel able to go to the police. I didn't either. And won't. I broke down to my psychaistrist that I hate that if he hurts someone else it will be my fault. My fault for not reporting him or speaking up. But I just can't do it. It would do more harm to me to have to explain and defend myself.

His response... His actions are his own. You are not responsible for the evil he does. He is.

But I understand. The guilt is there regardless. I feel weak. I know it is not my fault but it feels like it is. Especially when you hold your baby and think of the people in the world you want to protect them from. The fear and anxiety and paranoia and distrust.

My psychiatrist said this was part of my mental illness as well as life experience. My medication has helped to bring these feelings down to a point I can manage them. Can I ask if you have a medical professional you can talk to?

Sometimes we do need some help and a medication review when circumstances change. A new baby is an enormous change. And brings with him or her the constant reminder of your childhood and the experiences you had. Protective instincts and panic.

You're not alone in seeing the monsters in the world and being afraid. I'm there too. Hubby even told me (pre medication during a panic attack) that if anyone tried to hurt our children he would go to jail. This was the only way I would calm down. I needed to know my child was safe. This is not healthy. I needed help. The feelings are still there but not the overwhelming panic.

I would like to talk to you more if this would help you? I haven't really spoken about these feelings much outside my therapist.

I know it doesn't ease the guilt you feel. But I don't think you are wrong for not reporting. We can only do what we are able to. Survival comes first.

Nat

[Starwolf]

A warm welcome to you, Hidden Secrets.

Thank you for mustering the courage to share your story. It can't have been easy...

The priority here is your mental/emotional well being. No one better than you can know the state of your inner resources and likely consequences of revealing the truth. Rape does enough damage as it is without taking steps that would make it worse for you.

I was gang raped in my youth by people I trusted. I'm an oldie. In those days, those offenses were never talked about. Bringing in out in the open would have been unthinkable. So I chose instead to only share my story with those I felt comfortable to do so. And as long as I knew I would be heard and there would be no disastrous repercussions for them. I saw this as damage control for everyone involved.

As for the offenders, they may well have done it again. Things are changing slowly and quite a few crimes backfire on perpetrators with delayed reactions. There is no sure way to shield others from such predators. They're a danger that we all must face. Put a few away for a while and others will raise their ugly heads. As a mother, I understand how scary it is to give Life when you can't always protect it.

Please take good care of yourself. Abuse leaves behind very deep scars. Focus on healing would be a wise and courageous step. We're all different. There's no right/wrong way to do this.

Feel free to keep talking to us. It is good to know you have great support already. But often, a lot of good can come of bouncing thoughts and concerns against others who may have had similar experiences. We're here to listen and support you every step of the way.

Good to have you on board.

[geoff]

dear Hidden secrets, I could believe that this could ever happen as I was brought up in a different environment, but it has and I absolutely detest this kind of behaviour and feel so very sorry for what happened, this also extends to all those other people who have had to endure such brutality.
He may re-offend and then get caught and go through the legal system where he will be punished, I really hope this doesn't happen, but he has to be charged, I know the thought of doing this for you is horrifying.
Can I congratulate you on your newborn son who is 7 weeks, what a beautiful time ahead both you and your finance will have, watching him crawl, then walk and to say his first words, mum or dad is a pleasure you will love, and then holding his hand on his first walk to the shops, while he tries to hold one finger.
I remember when my 2 little granddaughters did this, boy, my finger must have been enormous for them.
Please be mindful that at any time you need some help, please, please see your doctor, now, enjoy your baby son. Geoff.

[geoff]

hello Hidden secrets, I was meant to say 'I could never believe as I was brought up in a different environment.

My utmost apologies. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Dear Hidden secrets,

I too welcome you to this community. The horrendous events you and your sisters had to endure are so despicable and hard to comprehend. How and why people are able to treat vulnerable children likes this makes my skin crawl.

My sexual abuse was at the hands of my first husband. I too wish that I had called the police, followed through and reported him. But I didn't. For me it is about making peace with my decision not to. At that time I was not strong enough to do so.

As others have mentioned here, the person who is abused is not responsible for the abuser and their actions. It is a tough reality to take to heart.

Hopefully you are receiving help and assistance to deal with all that you have been through. Sharing here on this forum may also well help to heal your heart and mind a little.

Congratulations on now having a son of your own. You and your partner can raise this boy to respect all people. Hopefully love will grow in your heart for your son, and in some ways the pain you so understandably feel will be eased by the presence of your boy.

Some people are vile and disgusting. They may never change, even if they do go to jail.

Maybe one day you may feel like reporting what happened to you. I don't know anything about the court system so have no idea how confronting it would be. Maybe the thought terrifies you too much. Which ever option you take it is okay.

Sometimes we are not the ones to do the reporting, we are the ones who need to find a way to move on.

Words seem inadequate to help you right now.

From Dools

[Mathy]

Hi Hidden secrets and welcome.

Wow! What an amazing young woman you are, so brave and courageous to share that story and speak with us, thank you.

I have not suffered what you have and cannot speak to that.

The past is the past, it has happened and gone, you cannot change it. You sound happy with the relationships with the rest of your family, something to cherish. Please don’t allow that guilt to cause issues. The Universe has a habit of dishing out retribution to those who deserve it.

Your son has the most amazing mother, and I wish the pair of you (and your future husband) absolutely the best of everything. I look forward to hearing about the Bub growing up, cheers M 🙂