Hi fellow survivors!
Home is where the heart is as they say. Your sanctuary, your safe place. A place of love, guidance and support. But, for so many as I, home was none of those things growing up. We lived in fear, insecurity, under threat and in a state confusion every single day. Witnessing alcoholism and domestic violence against other family members. Ourselves being violently sexually abused, groomed and beaten by the person you should be the protector, not the perpetrator. A person of submission and domination, sadism, paedolphilia and psychopathy. Meanwhile all being protected and covered over by the victims. Blacked out and dissociated by shame and fear. Not being able to function normally in the outside world. Not understanding social interaction and hidden social rules. Being taught what was right at school to be told it’s wrong at home. Feeling alien, emotional, misunderstood but most of heartbroken and alone.
Then came dissociation. The numbing. Shutting down in defeat. Turning the back on God.
To grow older, develop a heart condition, endometriosis, fibromyalgia. Issues with trusting partners, explosive moods, suicidalnideation and self harm. Substance misuse as well!
But you know what? A caterpillar becomes a butterfly! A fighter, a warrior, a healer, a counsellor, a lover, mother and a wife emerged. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I rose. I keep rising. still dealing with flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, hyper vigilance and panic each day. But now, I cope, I function. I stay determined to own my life, my journey. Admiring the beauty in darkness and appreciating the immense empathy, wisdom and understanding of the human condition I have acquired.
I was once indeed a victim, I then became the survivor. But just surviving is no longer enough. I am ready to thrive and I am learning fast.
From dissoctaion to association. We are all connected by our experiences and I send you all the highest of love. Be strong and keep on keeping on.
