Found out my ex is escorting, what to do

[Glen111]

Hi

Complicated situation. A bit of background. I was with my ex for 8 years, we have a 5 yo child. Towards the end, i was subject to immense amounts of emotional and verbal abuse. it culminated in a ohysical assault on me. She has bi polar, clinical anxiety, tourettes (just ticks) and is on about 6 anti depressents, antipsychotics and benzos. I have been supportive and kind since the breakup, but feel a bit like a doormat.

Tried to reconnect a few times, didnt work out. But she clearly needs me for emotional support, as she has no one else. My issue is that i care for her, but i now know something that makes that almost impossible.

She left her ipad at my house last week; i had a look at the history. What i found shocked me. It was clear she was using our daughter to manipulate me - often threatening to deny access for no reasons, joking with her only friend about it. It hurt to find out I had been used, she would often tell me she was low and needed my help and i provided it, because i care.

What was worse was finding out she had been escorting. She had been selling her body on a website - and i have the screenshots of the conversations with her clients. To say i was devastated is an understatement; not for myself, but for the potential risk to our daughter.

With her serious mental health issues combined with some pretty bad choices, i am not sure what to do with the information. She knows i know, i rang her as soon as i saw it. My question is, do I let her family know so they can intervene? Do i use the info to go for sole custody of my daughter?

My fear is that if i let others know she might contemplate self harm from the shame. On the other hand, i be a gentleman and keep it to myself, i feel like i am watching a slow motion train wreck.

What to do? Intervene or keep my mouth shut? I am so worried.

[smallwolf]

Hi Glen,

Welcome to beyond blue.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and decision for you to make. I am not sure what I could say that would ease the pain or suffering you feel. But I am listening to you.

Before I reflect on the question at the end of your post, and while I realise she left her ipad at your place, why did you look inside it?

Put another way, if you did not look inside it you would not have known. And now you know something she was obviously (?) hiding from you and her family?

The devastation you feel would be normal, and all the questions that it raises.

There is also the matter that you appear to be her only support? Which I commend you for doing. It can be very hard for and on partners who have to bear the brunt of our moods etc. (Apart from the medications, does your partner get any professional help? and do you think that would help in any way?)

But there might also be third option to consider. You told her that you knew of what she did. And you believe she is ashamed of her actions. So do you think there is any possibility of the talking with her to work out the why she is escorting? And the concern that you have for her well being. In talking you are still showing compassion and you might be able to gauge her likely actions vs guessing. And may find some sort of solution together. How you proceed from this point would then be up to you.

Peace,

Tim

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Glen~

I'd like to join Tim in welcoming you here to the Forum. Your problems, which were very difficult to start with, have taken on a new dimension with the discoveries on the iPad.

I guess in this situation there is a tendency to want to take action quickly, to react to the new problem and the effects it might have.

All though your post I get the impression you care for your ex's welfare and have been helping as best you can given you are no longer together. If fact her continued welfare is one of the considerations you set out in deciding whatever action you might take.

I am not sure anyone can give you definitive advice, I will however put up a few thoughts that would go though my mind if I was in your shoes.

The first of course is the welfare of your daughter, if she would be better with you and her mother have visiting access, or to let her remain in the situation she is used to. Perhaps part of that is your own circumstances and how much time and finances you have, together with your existing relationship with her.

A custody dispute can of course be extremely traumatic for the child and has to be balanced against any ongoing harm in the current situation.

The second is your own strength and determination long term, do you think that you will want to keep on playing a major role in your ex's support in the long term, given the idea you starting to have an idea it might not always be appreciated or you are being used?

You were wondering if her family should be informed, and here I think if it was my I would do so, al things being equal. However that is just me. Family are often a good starting point for care, and can be a source of fresh ideas, action and a sharing of responsibility.

Her current medical regime does not sound wholly effective, and while you may not be in a position to do so it looks like her team needs to be made aware it may require review.

As for the escort activities. All I wish to say here is people take this up for a number of reasons, not all monetary.

Tim's suggestion of talking with her, particularly if you can find a time where she is in a more reasonable and receptive phase rather than at an extreme would seem a good starting point.

However you feel at the moment you are not alone. Perhaps you have family or a friend to support you, it does make a big difference. You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[Molokow2019]

Hi Bro,

That sucks. Women can be very violent and manipulative. I would recommend caution and patience. Make sure you are using protection if you are engaging in a sexual relationship. Personally, make sure you record and document the events when she is abusive. Get some audio, video. You need to be careful, the courts are not in favour of men and even worse there is not mens service for domestic violence due to the current feminist ideological thought. Get support through a mens group if you have a local one.