First time post! Hoping last time search for help.

[Roo_w]

Hiya

My name is not roo. I’m 27 yo female struggling with 17 years with my demons.I’m deeply ashamed of my mental illness and past sexual and mental abuse I received as a child.

I’m here because I can’t even bring my self to leave my house. I’m currently unemployed and can’t afford the mental health support I’m in desperate need of.

For the past 17 years I worked hard for my achievements and thrived in spite of situation. During that time I wouldn’t say I managing my illness but I endured my mental health. Even then it was unforgivable but knowing what I know now those are the good days.

Unfortunately the past 2 years have I have crumbled and had to quit my job. I became so frantically unable to function that I had no choice. I now am nothing but a shell of what I once was and ever night I try and fight the darkness away. I know if don’t get the help I need but essential can’t afford I will lose this endless battle I feel live been fighting a life time.

Please don’t judge or tell me it takes time. I’ve done time and it’s only worsening. I’ve searched and looked for every opinion and nothing is free nothing that can actually save me.

This is my last resort. Possibly the last effort I have left in me to try pull myself out once more. I guess seeing other stories and other people who understand and know this struggle of being so disabled by their illness and having no means no options like me will give me the strength to do it on my own. Like everything in my life I’m in this own but maybe not alone.

[PamelaR]

Hi Roo and warm welcome to our forums

No, you're, not alone at all. Many of us have been where you are at the moment. I have been where you are many times. Often I dive back into that deep dark pool, especially when something have triggered me.

I know it's hard, I know the emotions and feelings that go with the memories of what happened when we were young. What can I say...... It is our life. It's dreadful and should never have happened, but it did. For me it's been a choice of do I let this define who I am, or how I live? I chose NO!!

Having to leave your work must have been difficult, however, I understand where you were at. The ability to function when you feel the way you do is almost impossible isn't it? 10 years ago I had a breakdown and took time off work for a long time. But you know, I never wanted to give the perpetrators the satisfaction of 'repeating' the abuse twice. I strove to heal, to recover and to get back to a life I wanted. No it isn't easy, it's bloody hard. However it is doable.

You seem to be in a place where you see no way out. But is this what you really want? What is it that you think we can offer to help you move from where you are?

Also wondering why it isn't possible for you to access Mental Health plan where you can get 10 bulk billed visits with a therapist. Sometimes bulk billers aren't available, however, it is possible to find therapist who lower the gap of payment.

We're a friendly, supportive and non judgmental bunch of people. Feel free to share more of your story if and when you want.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Desedrata]

Hi Roo,

I to struggle with the cost of getting mental health and took out a loan from Centerlink so, as to be able to get the level of assistance I need. If getting a loan is beyond your means you could try contacting CASA which is a forum specifically for sex abuse victims.

[CKS]

Hi Roo.w

I have been exactly where you are on more than one occasions. But I have learnt a lot since then, and one thing that can give you some immediate results is writing to your inner child...connecting with your inner child. Write and let her know you love her. Acknowledge her trauma, share your inner most thoughts with her. Visualise her, take note of what she is wearing, the colour of hair and the freckles on her nose, if she has some.

It is even more effective if you write a poem about your inner child (or anything for that matter). Writing a poem allows you to stay in touch with your emotions much longer, as journaling doesn't require as much concentration. You need to write from your heart; write from your soul. You need to bring your child forward so she can help you write just the right words for your poem. You need to listen quietly to hear her voice in the distance. You need to be perfectly still and you may even feel her heart beating. If you believe these things Roo, you will be on a pathway of healing.

If you do decide to write a poem perhaps you will send it to us to read.

Take care

CKS