Feelings of dread- life after domestic violence and life with PTSD

Roseby · ‎21-11-2017

Hi,

this is is my first post. I was married for 10 years and left the relationship when the violence became too much. Several years onward and after much deliberation I decided to ‘put myself out there’. I met a very nice person. By all counts they are lovely.

and then the darkness sets in. The flashbacks to the violence, the fear paralyses me, I push away anything that could be good because I am still imprisioned in a marriage that haunts me to this day.

i see a psychologist. I have sought support groups, I make all the right moves to help myself.

But this... this concept of ever trusting, ever allowing myself to be vulnerable, coupled with the PTSD symptoms erodes me.

I dont one know how to fix this. I want to. So very much.

Quercus · ‎21-11-2017

Hi Roseby,

Welcome to the forums.

Your story hit close to come. My relationship was abusive but not violent and I manage depression not PTSD...but I do understand distrust. And dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship when starting another.

What I wanted to share is that there is hope.

I have known my husband for seven years now (married for 5). And it took a very very long time to trust. But I got there. It took 5 years to trust him. To let him truly know who I am. But I do. He has earned my trust with his actions.

You mentioned pushing people away. Yep. Been there. I promote the worst of myself. I try not too but that is how I protect myself sometimes. I expose the bad so that they leave me on my own terms.

Keep up with managing your PTSD. Psych and support groups. You are doing all the good things.

As to flashbacks they will happen. I remember waiting for my husband to get home and panicking and only when he was in the room I realised it was not his response I was expecting. I had gotten mixed up and felt so guilty. What worked was speaking honestly. I told my husband the truth about what was happening. He was understanding. Then I had an idea. I thought of things my ex did that my husband was the opposite in. That became my tool to use. If I was trapped in a flashback and couldn't tell husband from ex I asked him to take me to bed. The ex would never permit me to be in control. Hubby does. And in that way I know immediately where I am and who I am with. The panic fades. I am with hubby who would never harm me.

Yes. Relationships after abuse are hard work. But worthwhile. You deserve a second chance too. By all means guard yourself. I did. Poor hubby had to work hard. If your new partner truly wants you and cares for you they will find a way to wear down your guards. Mine did.

Good on you for putting yourself out there to try again. And for coming here to talk. I hope you find someone worthy of your trust and love.

Nat

Roseby · ‎22-11-2017

Dear Nat,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your story.

It gives me hope, that one day I may move forward in a manner that is functional in a relationship sense.

Roseby

geoff · ‎23-11-2017

hello Roseby, Nat has made a good point, 'my husband was the opposite', so what you have to do is compare the two our ex and now your new partner, notice the difference between the two, after a while you should gain confidence.
Talk to him tell him how you feel and don't bottle it up, because as soon as you do this it only ferments away, building to become a problem that may not be deserved.
With your ex I'm sure you couldn't talk with him over anything in fear of him becoming annoyed, whereas with this new chap it's different, and don't forget that he will want to talk with you, that's how trust is formed. Geoff.