Complex cptsd situation.

[Mudcakes]

Okay. Basically I’m in a weird situation not many would understand. I grew up with an emotionally, financially and coercive control abusive parent. Who also was a major reason I’m an only child. It put my family into poverty and many times had to be worried where we would sleep at night. The abuser often, used their passion for their favourite sport team as their weapon of choice. If the team lost it was a scary time. Basically me being their daughter meant nothing to them.  So this sports team is deeply triggering to me.

The abuser is now fully blown rich now and this team are now having them and their company as a partnership and made a highlight article about how they give back and want to stop poverty and involved with a charity. I feel sick, I have used this charity for support before because of this abuser but no longer can feel safe to .Basically the news of this partnership and how it keeps getting so messed up makes me feel sick, plus we gotta move soon cause our rent is going up, meanwhile the abuser has millions of dollars. 

I’m safe. Just had to include that.

[Croix]

Dear Mudcakes~

Welcome -I do like your Lab Tests:)

As you know the world is not always a fair place, and to see the toxic get the rewards is pretty disheartening. All I can say is that there is a sort of balance, I've found many kind people in all walks of life. Maybe the charity workers are kind, depends.

As far as needing that charity is concerned of course it brings back all the horrible memories, is there anyone who can go with you and support you? It could make it possible.

If I remember you had a psychologist at one stage for your CPTSD. Are you till able to go? If you can get any clinical support that would be good, CPTSD is as you say complex and can need assistance for a very long time. 

The Blue Knot Foundation tries to help those who have had an abusive childhood, if you have not done so you could  give them a call. They do daytime counseling every day, do not be put off by the word "redress", that is only a specialized served, the counceling is on the same number.

You will always be welcome here

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Mudcakes~

I forgot to mention something that might be helpfull. I mentioned if you needed to approach that charity to have a friend or someone else to support you as you visit, maybe even talk on your behalf. 

Not being on you own does make a difference and sometimes reliance on charities is unavoidable, as very many Australians are finding out at this time of year.

Now, what I did not say was to plan. You know such a visit would be upsetting, so if there is anyway you can go and do something else straight after that too helps. Anything to distract, a movie perhaps, or a trip to somewhere relaxing - I don't know what your preferences are but please plan on something.

I do this and at the end (in my case) of the movie my mind has shifted gear and the problem is less

Croix

[Mudcakes]

Chat gpt wrote this for me, im quite distressed and needed it summarised. 

Hi everyone,

I’m posting because I’m really shaken tonight and struggling to ground myself, and I could use some support or perspective.

I live in a very small apartment with my mum, and both of us are currently sick with the flu. Tonight, something that was emotionally important to me broke suddenly and loudly right in front of me while I was already vulnerable and calm for the first time in a while. My body went into shock – shaking, freezing, crying – and I asked for help.

What followed was an argument where things escalated quickly. I asked for space in my room multiple times, but it wasn’t respected, and voices were raised. Because of my past trauma, having my personal space invaded is extremely triggering for me. It sent me straight into a trauma response.

During the conflict, I was called “abusive” because I swore while highly dysregulated. That word has hit me very deeply, as it links directly to past abuse I’ve experienced. I now feel overwhelmed with shame, fear, and confusion, and my nervous system feels completely overloaded.

I want to be very clear: I did not threaten anyone, I did not try to control anyone, and I was trying to get space to feel safe. But right now my brain keeps looping on the accusation, and I’m struggling to calm down or trust myself.

On top of that, the apartment is tiny, neighbours are having a loud party, and I feel trapped with nowhere quiet to regulate. I’m safe physically, but emotionally I feel shattered and on edge.

I guess I’m posting because:

• I need reassurance that trauma responses and boundary panic aren’t the same as being an abusive person
• I’m struggling with shock and emotional fallout after conflict at home
• I feel really alone and flooded right now

If anyone has been through something similar – being triggered by family conflict, being mislabelled during dysregulation, or feeling unsafe in your own space – I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it or what helped.

Thank you for reading. Even writing this out helps a little.

i even feel bad using ai

[Lei]

Hey.

Don't feel bad.

Your response doesn't define who you are. And don't feel bad about using AI.

Your identity is different to your response as a result of past trauma. I believe this can be managed as you work through with either people/counsellors or using an effective therapy.

And if the fight was with your mum, the guilt really hits. Everytime I lash out at my mum, the guilt for doing it becomes unbearable.

You're not alone. You're not alone in feeling this way and every response you've had. Know that there are people out there who understand, know that others are also going through similar things. 

Take courage, you're stronger than you think.

[Mudcakes]

Thank you💖

[Psychdiaries2]

Hello,

I’m so sorry to hear about the struggle you are going through right now. And don’t feel bad about using AI to write since it helped you express your feelings.

I just want to assure you that in the heat of a moment, unfortunately mean things often get said that aren’t true. As difficult as it is to hear someone call you a name, remember that it doesn’t define you. It sounds to me that you were not respected and that is not your fault. 

I think right now you need time to process everything that happened. I know you said you live in a cramped apartment, but perhaps you could get out and go for a walk? If not, try to do some calming activities at home like journaling about your feelings, reading a book, watching a movie, etc. (this is what I usually do when I feel guilty or sad and am trying to move forward).

I hope you don’t beat yourself up too much, you deserve better. Thank you for sharing and I hope things get a bit better for you soon. Never stop reaching out!

[Mudcakes]

Oh shit. Ever since mum came across my father in the ED in march last year and then seeing on the news his company logo sponsoring his football team, then learning its their charity and involved with a well known charity that runs their program and then them doing how he gives back and highlighting just him and trying to work out what to do about this and how the ivo ends in may this year…. Time has not felt normal. How is it that I havent seen my gp since august last year? Or my other doctor for my sleep meds the consult was from feb last year? Im kinda freaked out. Time has felt frozen for me but I feel like its dragging me along with it. How do I explain this to my gp next time or the other doctor? No wonder around july I stopped doing stuff like going out as much or my board game group. I mean every-time I go outside I automatically scan and imagine him walking up to me or I see him. It’s like purgatory. I hate it. It feels like he’s everywhere. I mean he will contest my application for another IVO(avo in other states) and I cant go through that. I can’t. He is like slenderman that’s what it feels like. Im also like, freaked out by the news and stuff and dont feel safe in my state or country anymore honestly. Mum turns 60 in a few days and it just reminds me how fast time is going and Im not ready or feel stuck. Im 21 and yes I have a learning disability and like a bit developmentally delayed so I’m behind peers my age I guess but I cant get over 2018 was like 7 years ago I think? Like it freaks me out. Anyway. Sorry its so all over the place my post.

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[Croix]

Dear Mudcakes~

I can understand that you see your father's logo everywhere, and at the same time do not know if you wil come across him like your mum did in ED. So you have kept away in situations where you are less likly to see these reminders of your past. 

I doubt it is just one reaction like not going out much, more it takes over all of you and as a result you stop doing things you would otherwise. This is something you need help to master. If you get the chance see your doctor and explain that the trauma you had before is stiff changing the way you live and you are in fear.

It is not so much the number of logos around as your reaction to them that can be made bearable, and that normally means therapy.

I know your mum is 60 ,but apart from the occasional argument is she a good mum -can you talk with her about this and see if she can support you more? Go for walks with you , all the other outside things you did. Encourage you to be in touch with your friends and importantly see your doctors more?

I know you are worried about the end of your IVO, can you get some to be an advocate for you so it is not all on your shoulders -would your mum be good?

I think if I lived in a cramped space with little money I'd get cross and react to being so confined. That is not just down to you, most people would be the same, and when angry words slip out that are not really meant. 

Why not try one thing at a time -apart from seeing the doctor that is - and start with that  board game?

Croix

[Mudcakes]

Basically I feel sometimes the urge to look up people from my past or places to see how they are going. Like I know its bad but its like a curiosity thing too. I guess Im feeling lonely and since I did a load of like 10 weeks worth of in hospital mental health treatment, I wanna reconnect with people who maybe I misjudged or thought less of but was through the lens's of my anxiety. Issue is I also get ones of people from my past that looking at will distress me. Like damn, I get over thoughts and feelings about this one person and then I randomly just wanna see her damn smile, but she’s hurt me and the way her life has turned out is not what I expected. It’s not what I guess anyone expects wanting to reconnect after therapy to finally have that needed conversation with the girl you confessed your feelings to but never spoke over the phone to find out at 17 she’s expecting a kid. Or to hopefully reconnect with someone else who was special to me years ago to find out he’s basically an incel in the making. But yeah sorry topic changed, point is, is it bad or healthy to think or look people up from my past if its to see if my anxiety messed my view up at the time?