Feeling incapable of solo parenting

[Anzee]

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anzee, 

We are so sorry to hear what you are going through, it's never okay for someone to treat you in this way. Your experiences with emergency accommodation sound incredibly difficult, we're sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you're an extremely capable person to have gone through all of that while looking after your two daughters. We hope you can see how resourceful you are and know that you deserve a better situation.  

We strongly encourage you to call 1800 Respect to talk about this. They may be able to support you with the financial control and help you to create a plan. They are available by phone on 1800 737 732, and they have a really good webchat. Both are available any time of night or day. The counsellors are experienced in dealing with situations where the person using violence is still in the house, and will work with you on a safety plan. If you ever feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000.  

You’ve been incredibly brave in sharing with this supportive community, and we're really glad you've done so. No one should have to go through this, and we want you to know that you are not alone, members of this community are here for you with understanding, advice and kindness. Please remember that you can call Beyond Blue at any time you need to talk things through on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat or email.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Guest9337]

G'day Anzee, Welcome to the party here on bb forums. I am saddened you are in a DV situation and offer the following...

google for "8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner" at good therapy.

because you sound committed to the relationship I believe you may benefit from starting working with partner to grow some anger management strengths. Maybe you and he could do relationship counselling with the aim of becoming less stressed together.

A safety plan is probably a healthy undertaking too.

love dng.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

You have had lots of point of view given to you, by police, by social and DV workers, by your freind and by peole here.

You were also in two minds, and going away had not worked out well, it has not really been the relief you sought, those that were there to help were overworked and not seen often, and all the practicalities were against you .

So you have gone back, please don't think of this as a defeat or lack of strength. An awful lot of people who have suffered abuse do return. Then for some matters go back how they were before -or worse- and they leave again, others don't. It's hard to predict.

How you feel right now is basically powerless, leading you to doubt your own ability to be a mum on your own. Give it time and then see how you feel. At the moment the circumstances under which your returned is too recent and is heavily influencing you.

You made a break, and if driven to it will make another. In the meantime the only suggestion I'd make (apart from the Safety Plan, as mentioned by david'n'goliath) is to see if there is any way you can retrieve either money or part title so you have more independence.

All the professionals that seemed unhappy with your return are unrealistic, and probably know it, however they are not offering any viable alternative, particularity as you currently still have feelings for your husband and no money or rellies to help.

I hope your psychologist is someone you get on with and understands it is not all easy and black and white.

Croix

[Anzee]

I’m feeling a bit more calm now. I’m starting to accept I have tried SO many different avenues to make a better life for my girls, but the odds always seemed to be in my favour. All

of the services are just so overworked and overstretched and I am really good at pretending I’m ok amd don’t need support.

I have noticed some things slipping into old patterns, but nothing too serious yet (mainly just things between him amd I and I try to make sure it doesn’t happen if the kids are up) I am still worried the girls are going to become aware of these behaviours because I seem to just ignore them and or dissociate which helps me back into that deep denial.

We have spoken about putting my name on the title, but apparently we have to live in the house for 12 months and then he can refinance and add my name so there’s nothing I can do before then.

I have a couple of safety plans through different services but so far I’ve been I’ve been too unsure about whether or not incidents have been classed as a breach or not.

my psychologist is great, but I’m always so back and forth in my decision making and even when we progress in a session, by the next week I am back to where I was before because at the end of the day I only have her and one other really good friend for support and I feel like a massive burden to both of them so then I decide I need to push them away so they’re off the hook and I remind myself I ha e nowhere to live without him, no money without him and it’s back to me being solely responsible for the girls and I can’t provide them with anything really on my own so that just makes me want to push away my 2 supports even more and just accept this is my life.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

I think your post shows what a sensible person you are to see realistically that any break is never going to be easy, which is not to say it will never happen

Another time you may be in a better position concerning outside resources. I guess it is, like most things, a learning experience. You have the strenght as you have show, just not the resources at the moment

The fact things are not quite so bad at the moment is hopeful, and I hope you can develop or maintain the techniques that keep it that way. Nothing while the kids are awake is a good start, any chance of extending on that?

With the business over the house title maybe you might seek independent advice, perhaps Anglicare Financial Services or some other free not for profit agency

As far as being unsure about breaches, please seek outside advice, then you will know where you are, though seeking advice does not mean you have to act on it but can be a record of incidents if you want on for the future.

This of course does not include circumstances where you or your kids are in danger, then I don't think you have any choice but to ring 000

Now we come to the part of your post that if I understand it properly is simply is not sensible at all. There should be no way you should push your freind or your psychologist out of your life. You need comfort, perspective and care and they , apart from your kids, are the places you can get it.

OK you may feel a burden, and change your mind as differing factors come to the for. It is so easy to sit in an office and not remember waht life is really lifke at home. Then when you return all hte problems you face come back into your mind

This is perfectly fine. Your psych is someone you get on with and it is her profession to support, help and counsel, It is something she sees all the time. Please do not worry about the effect on her, you are worth any medical professional trying hard to help you, and that includes having patience and seeing your problems clearly

Friends are gold, they help make life so much better .Please remember you are her freind too, not just someone that only uses her. If you feel you are a burden than try to make conversions and visits enjoyable for both of you, do good things together, as well as seeking support

Life and circumstances do change, I never though I'd ever do anything but be useless stuck at home for the rest of my life when I was invalided out of my occupation

Now life is so far from that it's unbelievable

Croix

[Anzee]

The more I let old patterns in, the worse I feel about myself as a mum. I know deep down this isn’t the type of relationship I want them to learn.
At the same time though, sometimes I feel like I want him to do these things to me, and I encourage them. Like if it’s been a few days without that affection I joke around with him and I think I know what his reaction is going to be, so I’m almost inviting him to do things to me?! Like that’s me giving him permission so then I feel a lot of shame afterwards because I brought it on myself. I’m sure a part of it is my desperate search for love and affection and I know that’s one sure way to get it from him! But I feel like I’m just doing this to myself and digging a deeper hole for myself, instead of working my way out of that hole.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

You are good person in an impossible situation, and like most good peole blame yourself and even regard yourself as at least part cause.

Let's be pragmatic, you are stuck in your present domestic situation, you know that because you have tried your hardest to leave and it did not quite succeed that time.

So now you have to try and adjust to that domestic situation of oyur return-one you did not choose. Trying involves all sorts of things and you are simply following instinct to the least harmful path -and that makes you wonder if you seek it all out -you don't. It makes you feel guilt and shame -wholly undeserved.

Don't misunderstand me when I say your feeling you are encouraging him at times is OK, every day is different and so will be your reactions. Grab what solace you can and regard yourself with kindness, you deserve it.

If your children can see you love them deeply that is the most important thing of the lot.

Croix

[Anzee]

Croix, I really like your replies. You always make me feel like a normal human being with normal feelings and reactions, instead of always feeling different, a burden and an outcast. So thanks for always making me feel understood.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

Thank you, your reply helps me as well. I'm simply offering you a way to see yourself in a different light, the way sensible people outside the situation would see you. You're fine and worthy, but sadly judge yourself too harshly.

Croix