Feeling angry at those who hurt me

[ScooterCat]

How does anyone have the guts to tell a vulnerable child that they’re unwanted? To make them feel like they don’t matter? To bully them and shame them for every little thing they do?

In school, I was teased, excluded and put down by many of my peers. Not many people wanted to be my friend, nor did they want to be my partner when it came to group work. In recess, people would always put me last in their games and make fun of me. 

The teachers would also shame me if I couldn’t do my work or if I did something wrong in the yard. Not once did they offer any compassion; they rubbed it all in my face and made me feel like I was a bad person. They yelled at me and they didn’t care whether they shamed me in front of other students or not. 

The home environment was no different. It was just as tormenting at school, except it felt more painful. When the people who were supposed to be your biggest allies hurt you, you suddenly realise that there’s no one in the world you can ever trust.

As an adult now, I see people who have friends and others who care about them while I wallow away at my feelings and struggle to move on in life. Why couldn’t I have had the same? Why was I never loved? Why did I deserve to go through all this suffering? Is it really true that no one cares about me?

[Scared]

I care about you

So do many people on this forum.

We dont say we care to be nice or we have to.  We really mean it..

And if we care about you then others in the world care too.  
Im not a psychotherapist but it must be difficult to have good self esteem if all you been told is negative for so long.
But i read your post and you sound like you are fighting back and that is exciting to read.  If your self esteem has  been affected by all these people you can do something about that thru reading self help books.   You already show me a spark of anger that what is happening is not ok.  Something you can do to get started is learning this phrase next time somebody hurts you say "  I dont like it when im spoken that way and nor do I deserve to be spoken down to"

You can always write to me ok

[ScooterCat]

Thanks Scared. That really means a lot to me 😊

[whimsymoonwitch]

Oh my love, 

Let me start with thankyou for sharing your feelings. Your anger and pain is true and valid. 

I was also excluded my my peers in school from a young age I felt different. Even my "friends" were mean to me, I was always the butt of the joke, the scapegoat, it only got worse with age. From petty school yard bullying to genuine psychological torture, confusion, gaslighting and abuse. 

I took it everytime because I thought this is what friends do, harmless banter right? Why did it always have to be directed to me though 😕

Partners were worse, I suffered alot of abuse that damaged me, im still picking up the pieces and it all from kindergarten taunts to my last traumatic relationship still affects my thoughts, feelings, triggers, relationships with friends, partners and myself to this day. 

It takes ALOT of work to heal from these things, we will never forget what we were put through but we have to persevere and heal, for US and to be good people to the people we care about that are positive in our lives now. Take the lessons, as hard as they were, what did they teach us? 

On the other side of this, I will say especially in more recent times, the anger and the rage you feel is so strong. As powerful and painful as it is, it comes from a sense of injustice. We know we deserved better and we want justice, revenge. This anger comes from a place of hard earned self respect, which makes it feel earned, powerful. But I have learned, we have to be careful not to let this anger consume us. I let it consume me for a long time rendering me dysfunctional. I was so angry at the world, the people who wronged me, myself for letting it happen, taking all the abuse. I hated when people told me that "forgiveness isnt for the other person, its for yourself to help you move on" they dont deserve my forgiveness, i will burn in my hatred until it destroys me if it means those people arent forgiven!! but you get to a point where you learn, drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, is only doing you harm. 

I have learned that forgiveness isnt allowing those people back into your life, its not saying their behavour was okay, its not even reaching out and getting closure, 

its for you, its allowing yourself to let that pain go, it doesnt serve you anymore. its so hard to let it go because its so strong and so powerful but you have to let it go to allow yourself to heal, look to the future. 

you will never forget what happened to you, how its changed you for better or for worse, but you can choose what to do from here. how to view your life, to rise above the adversity and transform into an enlightened, healing version of yourself. it doesnt happen overnight, you will fall and you will struggle, sometimes youll take 2 steps back, but healing is not linear, and taking the first step and letting that anger and pain go, forgiving it all, not for them, but for you, i promise it will save your life.

[ScooterCat]

Hey whimsymoonwitch, 

Please excuse me for the late reply. I’m not on these forums regularly, so I only just read your message now. 

I’m really sorry you had to go through the same thing too. I agree - it is hard working through these feelings and moving on from all the abuse and people telling you your whole life that you were unwanted. 

I don’t know if I can forgive those people for what they’ve done, even if it means I can heal and move on. They’ve made me believe that I was unwanted, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that the whole world would be better off if I was gone. I kept sabotaging myself, especially in high school, because of all the things they taught me. 

I never got to have friends as a result. I failed to graduate high school and I never got to feel wanted. 

It just seems so unfair to see them be successful and have friends who care about them, while I struggle and wallow through my feelings. 

[whimsymoonwitch]

I understand how you feel. Truly, especially when you still deal with the baggage and trauma those people gave you. I go back and forth on forgiving these people, some days its like "ive moved on, i dont carry their actions with me" but other days (like today for me :P) when im angry and in a depressive episode, it feels like ive gone 10 steps back, you have no obligation to forgive these people and if it helps, dont see it as forgiving. see it as a balloon that you can let go in the wind, some days that works for me, but really only on the good days tbh. point is, youll always carry this stuff, you just have to choose how you move forward in life despite what it throws at you, because you dont have a choice. sometimes youll go backwards and other times youll fly forward, its just about trying your best and getting thru, healing and growing as much as you can.