Endless cycle

[Mrd74]

Hi, it's hard to move on when your mind never lets go of dates and times that had traumatic events involved. I have worked hard to recover only to have those efforts undermined by my own subconscious. I suffer from cptsd and psychosis and have received treatment from everything from meds, meditation, mindfulness and CBT to ECT & TMS and I still can't regulate my emotions of mental stability when a significant anniversary arrives like my involvement in Iraq or being molested, the death of my parents or the narcissistic abuse, my mind just can't let go, I had just started to recover from my latest stress induced psychosis and all the shame and embarrassment that comes with being crazy in public or being put under the mental health act only to self sabotage myself with vivid dreams, depression and anxiety. And so the cycle continues 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I assume you were in the armed forces- thankyou for your service. I'm ex RAAF 1973-1976.

We here are people that have an ongoing mental illness of some sort and Community Champions are those that pass on their lived experiences to assist. As you've been to the edge of the earth and back with medical professionals I'm wondering how I can help you due to our charter here.

BTW I have bipolar, depression anxiety largely conquered, dysthymia and high functioning autism.

You detail that you have depressive cycles. I found it beneficial to allow the cycle to run its course before I rebound into normal life activities. Easier said than done.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

Anniversaries- I look upon them that those dates and times are only where the earth was situated in its orbit. To demonstrate the absurdity of the intrusive thought, a friend of mine would stop activity at 3pm on the day his father died and pray. Fair enough as his day died at 3pm. But he did that even through daylight saving meaning he was praying at 4pm. So I pointed out the time doesnt matter, the thought does.

You've suffered a lot, my suggestion is to sort out what you think is achievable realistically and focus on that. Eg anxiety

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

Whereas dreams are something you might not be successful at eliminating as I havent. I worked in a high security jail post RAAF. At only 21yo was subjected to many instances that left me traumatised, then my brother took his life. PTSD? I likely had it but in the 70's it wasnt well known. So I do dream about that a lot. Another job was P.I. for 18 years so I dream of being found out during covert work. 

I had a narcissistic mother and an abusive 1st wife. I think I can help with that.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/surviving-narcissism/td-p/557110

So this multi pronged approach to focussing on what you can repair and for the rest? acceptance, maybe forgiveness. Pigeon holing has its benefits because you could put some into the "too hard basket" and others in the "in tray" for ongoing action.

Whatever you decide. But the intention is to allow you to survive better than you are now. 

Feel free to reply and I dont mind how long our interaction goes for, today or on going. I'm listening.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Mrd74,

I’m sorry for all you have been through and how much of a struggle it’s been. Reading your story I thought of a video that may be helpful that’s on YouTube. It’s called “Ray’s Story - Somatic Experiencing” and it’s about a marine who served in Iraq and Afghanistan and how he was helped by a somatic approach to trauma after many other things, including medications and standard approaches, were not really helping to alleviate his symptoms. It’s an approach that starts gently from the body, allowing a gradual release of stored trauma responses. I have done this method myself for trauma and it has been the most helpful approach out of everything I’ve tried. The person who developed this approach and is narrating the above video is Peter Levine who has lived through significant trauma himself, including childhood sexual assault and very stressful circumstances endured by his family, so he gets it. I just thought his approach might give another angle on your situation, like a fresh approach that might make a difference. He also has some books I’ve read that I’ve found helpful, including In an Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory. 

It sounds like you may have a mix of both complex trauma from childhood and more recent traumas. I have a mix of both as well and I think when there was childhood trauma it’s much more likely you will be impacted by experiences in adulthood as well. You absolutely shouldn’t feel any shame about it because you are doing your best and it’s really tough to deal with. It’s great that you have reached out for support here and I hope you can know that change is possible with the right supports and it sometimes just takes a while to find the right approach that reaches you.

Take care, we are listening and feel free to talk more if you would like to.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. Sorry, I got the title of the above video the wrong way round. It’s “Somatic Experiencing - Ray’s Story”.