Emotional abuse? I don’t know.

[Mano88]

So, my husband and I have been together for nearly 6 years and have 2 kids. Having kids made things hard. Our first was unplanned as we were only together 6 months when we fell pregnant. He is really tough on him and expects a lot. I find myself telling the kids to do this or that before daddy gets home otherwise they’ll get in big trouble. Or I will. He seems to blame me when the kids leave a mess with toys or food. I can’t watch them every second of the day. The house is never clean because I don’t have time and gets dirty about it even though we both work. He says it doesn’t bother him but as soon as he walks in, you can see it on his face. Everything always seems to be my fault and I’m just always wondering what he is going to jump on me for next. It’s like I’m always walking on egg shells to be safe and I feel like I have to be a referee between my 4.5yr old and husband. I love him but I don’t know if I’m actually happy. We seem to fight a lot and I just don’t know what to do. I’m on medication for post natal depression since having our 2 year old. But it doesn’t seem to be helping or there’s just more to it. I’ve discussed us getting counseling but he won’t because he would have to take a day off work. His family is also an issue but he won’t see it. They don’t seem to care about our youngest and it bugs me. There’s more to it but just to hard to type.

any theories?

thank you.

[Just Sara]

Ah...parenting 😕

Hi and welcome Mano88;

You've described a common situation between husbands and wives who both work. I feel for you hun. I can listen and hopefully give positive advice or present my opinions re what you've disclosed. I hope this is ok.

The first thing that struck me was something you wrote;

'I find myself telling the kids to do this or that before daddy gets home otherwise they’ll get in big trouble. Or I will'

I believe marriage is equal yes? Being afraid of your husband or what he'll say would keep you on egg shells as you say, but is that productive or loving? Fear can be subtle, but still a huge motivator in 'avoiding' certain situations or people.

We find our behaviour's sometimes led by these subtle fears and eventually after practice, don't even register we've changed. If you felt this way with your first child, it makes sense you'd feel worried (deep down) about a new arrival yes? If you've never admitted this to yourself, it may actually be a cause of the PND.

Do you fear if you speak up he'll leave or get worse? I hope not because it's not healthy. But if you do, it might be worthwhile talking with your GP and getting a referral to a psychologist to open up to. Those fears I've been referring to can become so invisible, you don't know they're there until you start talking about how you truly feel.

It's for this reason I'm so glad you've come here to write about it. I hope I haven't made you feel bad; that's not my intention. I'm just giving you food for thought. If I'm off the mark and I really hope I am, please forgive the discrepancy.

I'd love to hear back from you. I care deeply about people and want to do what I can to support and encourage you. I'm here if you need me..

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Hang10]

Hi Mano88,

Welcome to the B.B forum. Such nice caring thoughts from Just Sara who offered wonderful insights to help you.

It sad when you feel that your walking on egg shells with your husband. It sounds like he not coping with stress in his life maybe working too much etc. The little outburst of frustration is a sign of him trying to take a little bit of control in his life but this is not good as it going to cause you anxiety after time and possibly a little bit of depression.

It sounds too that your side of the family may not be supporting to you. I only judging on this as you havent mentioned you blood family. I hope that if you don’t have good parents that you have a kind and trusting friend to talk to as this will help filter the anxiety and stress.

It a bit worrying that your 4.5 year old gets repeating yell at all the time. I hope your husband when not over reacting also balance it with positive role model of fathering and spending time with him or her as they are only little. They needs both parents love.

In laws are sadly mostly not the best in lot of marriages, jealousy and power etc they want. I hope they get their act together and see their grand kids.

Look after yourself. Seeking help is wonderful even if he don’t want counselling. A bit of support for you personally will help you and the kids.

Take care

Hang 10.

[geoff]

Hello Mano88, can I give you a warm welcome and pleased that Sez and Hang 10 have replied but sorry that my first reply didn't go through due to problems of my pc.

Love is a strange but powerful word in many different varieties, but from what you have told us, it seems as though it is emotional abuse which isn't helping with your PND.

You can't keep the house clean with 2 young kids, it's virtually impossible and even when they are having a sleep all you want to do is put your feet up when you're not working.

He seems to want the house to be clean so he doesn't have to do anything, that's not how a marriage is meant to be like, you both work to pay the bills so it should be 50/50 looking after the home but not the way he wants it to be.

You are struggling but pleased you have contacted us and would like you to continue on with your story.

Sorry, the second reply is never as good as the first.

Geoff.

[GoodWitch]

Hi Mano

Boy, so much of what you've said reminds me of my life a decade ago, when I was struggling to work and raise 2 children with minimal support from my husband. I believe I had PND too, but never diagnosed because I couldn't admit to anyone that I wasn't coping. I also asked my husband to attend counselling and he said no, so I was left to struggle on alone. That's why I had to respond.

Just Sara suggested you get individual counselling anyway and I second that. Even if ultimately you need to sort things out as a couple, it helps to talk to someone who can validate your feelings and help you sort through them. Only when you know what you want and deserve in a relationship, can you even think about asking for it. And I'm afraid men aren't great at intuiting what you need, you do need to spell things out for them more often than not. So learn what your needs are so you can spell them out for him, then if he still will not step up to help you, you will have some decisions to make about how to best take care of yourself and your children.

My husband didn't yell but he was critical. That comment you made about seeing the look on his face, I now exactly what you mean. You just want to avoid his displeasure and the sick feeling you get in your stomach, so you rush around just before he gets home trying to make things look more together. 'perfect' if you like. But with little kids/families there is no such thing as perfect. This is something your husband will have to accept in time but you need to accept it first. 'This is what our house looks like. If you don't like it, help me!'

I encourage you to start your own journey with therapy now if you can. For the record my husband and I are still together, but I came to these forums because after 20yrs of hoping it would improve but not feeling supported I'm considering leaving. Mine does seem to finally be getting it, but who knows? Don't wait another ten years, things won't get better on their own, and dealing with the issues won't be easier in another decade.

It is possible there is a good guy underneath the stress and criticism you're seeing. Men are not taught how to be supportive husbands sadly, there ought to be a course. He may step up if you find the right words and confidence to expect the help you should be getting. You won't know until you give it a go.

Best,

GW