Did anything wrong happen?

[BBUser99]

I keep replaying these scenes in my head and I feel tormented.

My dad, my brother and I went to Queensland to visit my dads half sister when I was 10. She had 3 kids, a girl a bit older than me, a son my age, and another son 3-4 years older so he was 13-14 at the time. The oldest, he was very big for his age, not fat but quite built, a bit muscly and hefty. He seemed a bit older than his age. He was known to be very troublesome, known for being violent, sadistic, teasing people and torturing animals. I never disliked him at this point but I did feel a bit scared of him. I was a thin small girl at this point, I had not even hit puberty yet.

We stayed there for I think about a week. And from what I can remember, I think every day, that older male cousin has been abusing me...I think, or trying to... Im confused as to if he did or not.It would usually be that I was in the study room, playing a game on the computer, and he would come in and close the door. There were other times too when he made inapporpriate suggestions. I remember refusing and running away.

All I know is when I think of that time there, I feel really sick, dirty, I feel confused, I feel there is more but my mind just cannot put it all together. I remember from then on, I was always very awkward and scared about guys touching me or being sexual towards me. I keep reliving the moments more and more lately.

I feel traumatized but should I? I was 10 and he was 14, Was I molested? Should I seek help? Do I have the right to?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi,

Thank you for posting. Firstly I'm really sorry to hear of what happened and I'm glad that you've decided to talk about it here.

I'll try and answer your questions the best I can. I think the most important thing to remember is that nobody has the right to tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't feel traumatised. Our brains all respond in different ways to different things, so what might traumatise you might not traumatise someone else. It sounds like it would have been especially hard as you were quite young and maybe felt a bit vulnerable. I think it would only be natural that what happened would be affecting you now in different ways and even 'reliving that experience'.

It might also be possible that maybe your brain is 'blocking out' some memories. It does this because it wants to protect us from what happened - even to the point where we don't realise or remember. If you're not sure if you were molested or not this might be why. But it does sound like your privacy and confidentiality was totally violated - and what happened should not have happened at all. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Even small things like making inappropriate suggestions is not okay.

If you would like to, I would definitely encourage you to seek help. You definitely have the right to seek a therapist. Being able to process what happened to you can help wrap your head around it and ultimately stop reliving the experience. It can also allow you to be more comfortable in-time with guys touching you and being sexual towards you. This might be a painful process, but in therapy you can go very slowly and choose not to talk about things if you don't want to. I think ultimately though it would be worth it because you deserve to feel better. If you're not ready to talk to a therapist though that's okay too.

I hope this helps a little 🙂

[Starwolf]

Well done for taking the courageous step to share your concerns. The fact that you are tormented by uncertainty is a sure sign that those concerns should be addressed. I understand that if your cousin felt the need to close the door, his intentions and suggestions were probably of a questionable nature...whether he acted on them or not.

It is not uncommon for the brain to repress disturbing memories. It is a protective mechanism to spare the mind from would be confronting issues. It is also common for snippets of memory to bubble up to the surface. There again, it is also possible that your cousin never acted upon his intentions. But the doubt is there, poisoning your thoughts and peace of mind.

I suggest that you have a talk with a GP and ask for a referral to a therapist who could help you get to the bottom of those troubling replays. Whatever the outcome, it is never a good idea to keep things below the surface, where they can spread their toxic influence unchecked.

Your need for answers shows you have a brave and proactive attitude towards your well being, the wisest way to approach this situation. If you feel something is not quite right, it probably needs attention. Not only have you every right to do so but you owe it to yourself. You deserve much better than living with this torment.

I was sexually abused, though in late adolescence. I empathize with the sickening feelings it leaves in its wake. I can also let you know that the damage done cannot be reversed but with the right help and support, it can be healed. Please don't continue to struggle alone with this. Assistance is available.

Here for you.

[BBUser99]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I do want to get help for this, I was this sick feeling to go away, and the uncertainty, too...

I have never told anyone about this. I have always been extremelt bashful and nervous when talking about/listening to sexual content related to myself, so it is hard to open up about it face to face with a professional or anyone. I am not sure what I should do.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi,

It's really glad that you're willing to get some help; would you be comfortable with making an appointment with your GP? They can help to organise a referral under Medicare so that you can see a psychologist under what's called the Mental Health Care Plan.

If you're not ready for that that's okay too - maybe as a first step it might be worth looking at the services in your area. I know I found my psychologist just because she hired rooms at the practice my Doctor worked in. She seemed really nice so that's why I choose her. If you have a friend or family member that sees a psychologist this can be helpful too so you can get someone that comes recommended.

You can also look directly for a psychologist here and then pick one that specialises in trauma within your area - https://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/