Dictator

[JMumma]

I’m new to this, not really an emotional talker. Not really much of a talker at all but find myself questioning everything about my life at the moment.

I find that my husband appears to have become a dictator in how I live - he controls who I can see, insisting on a word by word account of every conversation I have.

previous requests by me to get marriage counselling result in more arguments and him belittling me. Maybe I do have some mental health issues but I believe that many of them are caused be his behaviour.

we live in a small community and every time I try to become involved in any thing he takes over or belittles me in front of the community and I walk away.

I would like to sell up a go our separate ways but he refuses to acknowledge the death of our marriage and we don’t have the finances for me to establish myself somewhere separate to him.

he has caused a rift between me and anybody that I tried to reach out to. I wasn’t allowed to take HRT because he believed that it was bad for his health if we had sex while I was on it. He monitors every thing, dictating where I can work and what hours I can work.

obviously I have allowed this to happen, but know the children are grown and moving on I scared to be alone with him the mental abuse is the issue.

Is there anything I can do to save my sanity?

[Sophie_M]

Hey JMumma,

Wishing you a very warm and kind welcome to these forums, we know it can be a really difficult step to take in reaching out here. We are so sorry to hear what you've been going through with your husband, and the control he has been exerting in many aspects of your life. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are experiencing domestic/family violence and we know it can be very difficult to live with abuse. But please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. We hope that you find this to be a safe space to express yourself, and our community are here to help offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need through this difficult time- you never have to go through this alone.

We would also strongly urge that you contact our friends at 1800RESPECT, who offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and can help you through these next steps. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or also through webchat if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: https://www.1800respect.org.au

However, if you ever you feel unsafe, it's really important that you contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

You might also find some help and comfort in reading threads from other members who have been in similar situations:

"Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotiona...

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that these forums can be of some support and solace for you, and we'd encourage you to keep us updated here on your thread whenever you feel ready to. We're all here for you.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello JMumma,

Like Sophie I would like to wish you a very warm and caring welcome to our forums....

Your husband sounds similar to mine did...

He controlled every aspect of my life, my clothes, groceries, what to cook, what I was allowed to eat, my work, my wages, my friends...well I had no friends because he would hit on them...any of my hobbies, he took over them and I just sat and watched him do them..because my hobbies took my attention away from him...This went on for 38 years..

I couldn’t leave out of the fear I felt from him...

He passed away 8 years ago..and I found myself with no self esteem, not able to make very simple decisions about life...I was totally overwhelmed with life and felt so lost..

What your going through is horrible and I’m deeply sorry this is happening to you...Sophie has given you some great contacts and I really hope you will get in touch with them..as they can help you so much...

No one deserves to live like you are...it’s just not acceptable the way he controls you...You deserve to live in peace...

Do you have family or friends you can stay with until you can organise to do what you want to do?...It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t see the death of your marriage..you don’t need his permission to move on to somewhere safe for you to live....

JMumma...It’s time to care, look after and be kind to you...You need to take care of your mental health and your physical health..If that means moving away from him....Please do so if you feel you need to...

I am here if you want to talk..So please feel free to do so...

My kindest and most caring thoughts dear JMumma..

Grandy..

[Guest9337]

G'day JMumma,

It's taken me quite some time to think about your situation. Similar to my late grandmother's, whom initiated separation from her long-time husband after retirement. He belittled her requests for financial fair separation, but had not reckoned with the will of a determined world war 2 survivor. Nan wanted free of the abuse to live her remaining years in peace. Mediation was needed and sought out and through that process with other people present during the negotiation, grandfathers subtler public abuse was measured, observed, contained and dealt with by people employed to be on Nan's side. Grandfather new the longer that process went on, or if it failed and went to court, the more money, time and resources he'd have to throw into it and that motivated him towards settlement. Only with legal help was Nan able to get out. Family help wasn't enough, neither was friends. A bigger stick was needed.

Mediation got Nan what she had worked a lifetime to accomplish, a house of her own near to friends and family and over 100 km away from her ex and confirmation of no further contact with him ever.

Build a team, make your plans to leave careful and informed by experts and enforceable by law.

I suggest you delete your browser history and call 1800respect when it's safe to do so. 1800respect are seriously powerful and confidential advisers with resources and training, let them help you start building that team you need to overcome your situation.

At times you've already walked away from "him" in your community. Make one walk quite a bit further and when you come back, do it with a team to back you up and plan that leads to what you need and want.

[geoff]

Hello JMumma, and thanks for your comment and much has been said and I'm sorry for everyone that has been in a situation like this because you can't live your life being controlled like this, everybody needs to have her freedom, in whatever way this may be, so being dominated by what you're allowed to do and every breath you take, is not on, it diminishes any confidence and your ability to move forward.

If you are receiving any payment from Centrelink then they will provide the bond money plus two weeks rent, which you pay off over a period of time, then opp shops may provide any furniture you desperately need and you can pay off any utilities fortnightly and if this does eventuate, then you could change the sim card and have another phone number.

If you allow this to happen then only tell the people you trust because this might have to be done without any conversation with your husband.

Please let us know how you feel and what may be happening.

Take care.

Geoff.