Coming to terms with my life

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Recently, I had my 54th birthday. I realise that I have reached middle age. It is a far cry from where I had hoped to be by now. It got me thinking, what went wrong with my life?

Where do I begin? My sense of self and my ability to concentrate were damaged through child abuse in my youth. I was only an average student at school. My parenting and my education did not prepare me for what I would encounter in the world. I was naive about people and the effects the system can have on you.

But I took responsibility for myself and started to work on my mind and my future. After a low level career as a public servant I realised that I wanted to become a psychologist so I enrolled in a course at uni. It proved to be my undoing.

While studying I fell victim to intense and intrusive harassment. I was assaulted psychologically. The effects were disastrous. I was unable to continue my studies and was forced from my home. The perpetrators of my demise are still a part of my life. They are authority figures who intimidate me into believing that there is something inherently wrong with me.

They imply that they are not trying to harm me, but their treatment has caused me nothing but harm. Every facet of my life has been adversely affected by them. I am now a disabled pensioner without a soul in the world.

As I see it, the situation is helpless. They are my enemy, not my ally. I don't want their treatment. I don't want to be their guinea pig. I feel helpless, powerless, and worthless. I do not have what it takes to do battle with them. Meanwhile I continue to suffer while doing what I can to help myself cope.

Many of us are victims of a vastly inadequate system. We never reach our potential or have a life that is worthwhile. I will continue to be desperate and lonely. Praying for mercy. For an end to the suffering before my old age.

Mine has been a wasted life. Serving no purpose. A loser in a game I cannot win. The perpetrators delude themselves that they are right. I know who is inherently wrong. The truth will die with me one day in the not so distant future. My life has been an injustice, from beginning to end.

Sandra

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

So much of what happens to us passes for normal. But gradually you realise that there is a difference between normal and healthy. These days I aspire to be as healthy as I can be. That means coming to terms with a traumatic past, even at the hands of loved ones.

It is devastating to have your trust betrayed, but so many are operating on autopilot, totally unaware of what they are doing and its consequences. I'm not making excuses for them. Each of us must learn personal responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

At the very least you are owed an apology. At best, they take it upon themselves to get treatment and to live healthier. Such as a self that respects boundaries, accepts no for an answer, and has developed a healthy attitude to sex.

All too often, sex is selfish. About one's own pleasure and gratification. But there are many psychodynamics that underlie the behaviours. A big part of it is that sex involves another person which means that there has to be respect, care, consent, etc. A child cannot consent. A child has no idea what is involved for them psychologically, especially in terms of their self esteem and self respect and self control.

There are healthy ways to deal with sexual urges, including private masturbation. All too often, power games develop in terms of what one person wants. A child can't play such games with an adult. It is a gross abuse.

In terms of my own ptsd I had to let go of the past. I had to accept that I had been wronged and victimised, but that I am now wiser for the experience. I have developed certain values and attitudes that seek to protect myself from harm. One such attitude is the law of personal limitations, which says that we are all limited by what we know and don't know, our history and backgrounds, and what we can and can't do. This was important to my forgiveness for others. Also, in my case, there was no evil intent, just poor judgement. That makes it easier to cope with.

You sound so strong and determined. You have learned to cope. Practise being present to the external world when you are on holiday. Try and work on your thinking about your past. It was horrible, but you survived. You know so much more, so much better than then. You are wiser and have learned when to trust.

It is sad that we have to learn through suffering. But our grace is that we can come to a place like this and help others. You have helped me, Sara. We do get each other.

Loving kindness.

xox

[Susan1]

You managed to put into words a lot of the swirl of my mind. I am a 57-year-old woman who is only just beginning to tread the path of healing, so mostly right now I find myself confused with the Process.

Thanks again

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Hi SusanJohn. I hope you don't mind me writing considering that you replied to Starwolf. I just wanted to agree with you about Starwolfs writing. I find it beautiful and touching. S/he has a knack for putting into words some very difficult things that many of us going through healing experience.

If you would like to talk about your own story I encourage you to take those first steps into the forum. There are many good people here who want to support you and help. I am one of them. So feel free to post. Perhaps we can help with the process of healing.

kind wishes,

sandra.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sandra, SusanJohn, Starwolf and All,

For some of us it can take what seems like a lifetime to find a place where we can accept ourselves for who we are, recognise terrible stuff has happened in the past, acknowledge the pain of those events and eventually find ways to sit with that pain, look at it intensely than find ways to let it sit there or to move it on.

Recently I reading a book that we can allow that pain to be either like a cushion that suffocates us or we can place it next to us like a cushion on a couch and not fight it any longer.

It does not meant he pain disappears completely, not the memory of the event, more like we find a way to accept it and don't all it to grow into some great monster that keeps devouring us each time we think about it.

I too am trying to make the most of my life each day, trying to be the best I can be with what I have right now.

Thinking about the What ifs, Why me, the pain of past hurts just drags me down. Not every day is like a bed of roses, far from it, as long as I try to make an attempt to make the most of it, that is the best I can do.

Life can suck big time, I get that.

As Sandra has mentioned SusanJohn, this is a safe place to share whatever you need to or want to. In the past I have received a huge amount of help and support here.

Today is an okay kind of day for me, some days are far from that, I too am a work in progress.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Thanks for that Mrs. D. The toughest pain arises from thoughts about myself. I think I have been a fool in life, but all I really wanted was to learn to be a success. To have the rewards of success. I believed that would make me happy.

i look up fool in the dictionary. It is a person who acts unwisely. Yes my youth was foolish, but I am starting to see that I can also be wise. I have learnt much about life. That buffers me from the pain. It diminishes. It grows more distant. Some consolation is that we are all born unknowing, ignorant and yes, foolish. Our task is to become wise and mature. Perhaps then I will know success.

yours kindly,

sandra.