Dear RuneCat17464,
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, first with your parents and then the relationship with sexual assault. You are most definitely not a failure and have done so well to get into medical school. I’ve heard how demanding medical school is for students generally, but with the trauma experiences In your past it would be so much harder again.
I have a complex trauma history which includes parents with out of control behaviours, a childhood that felt very unsafe and then had two sexual assaults in adulthood, so I really empathise and get it’s a huge struggle. I have called the Blue Knot Foundation several times and found them to be quite helpful. They really get trauma and work with you to attain a feeling of safety and stabilisation. They will talk for up to 40 minutes, sometimes 30 during busy times. They can be busy so there can be a bit of a wait but they have an option where they’ll call you back in 48 hours if you don’t want to wait on the phone. You can call them up to once a week. And of course there are other sources of phone support through Beyond Blue, Lifeline etc who you can call anytime.
I am wondering what other sources of support you might have? I know universities usually have counselling services which could always be a starting point. When I was at uni I went to the counselling service and was lucky to get a very good psychologist there. They only provided 6 sessions per year but at least it was free, and beyond that you could get a mental health care plan from your GP to get a Medicare rebate on sessions outside of uni. Those are just suggestions.
A few years ago I read a book by a medical doctor Joseph Tafur who became depressed in medical school when he didn’t previously have a history of depression. It was called The Fellowship of the River. He did finish medical school but explored other forms of healing along the way which helped him get through. He actually ended up training as a shaman in Peru! He still works as a medical doctor in the United States and is a leading researcher now in treating PTSD with psychedelics. I just thought of his book now as he found a way to get through medical school even though it initially brought on depression. I’m not suggesting you need to train as a shaman in Peru or go into psychedelics, I just thought the general themes of the book might offer some hope and inspiration.
Someone such as yourself who has experienced trauma would make a very compassionate doctor. I’m wondering if there’s a way to even take a year’s break and work on your own healing? Again, that’s only a suggestion as you will sense what’s best. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and look at options that are self-nurturing, especially as med school can be so demanding. Take good care and know that you have done amazingly well to get where you are. Feel free to chat further if it helps.
