Childhood trauma and the effects later on in life

[Rose_T]

I don’t know where to start, to the outside world I have a great life, a new fiancé, building a house and a successful career all at the ripe age of 28. On the inside I am struggling every single day, struggling to put one foot in front of the other and finding less and less reasons to carry on.

I want help but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not ready to talk about the trauma I suffered as a child. I was abused from the age of 7 to around the time I started high school by someone so close to me that should have protected me. I’ve blocked that part of my life out so much throughout the years that I’ve been able to manage to live a ‘normal’ life. This secret closes in on me at times and sometimes I cannot pick myself up. To make things worse I have to endure seeing this person at all family events and pretend like this never happened to me. It’s devastating how alone I can feel.

I’ve always felt like it was my responsibility to keep this secret to protect this person. I don’t want to ruin family relationships over this. It’s only the last couple of years I’ve started a path of internal destruction. I’ve hurt people I love, I’ve betrayed people I’ve kept secrets after secrets. I’m at a point where I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved and that everything is my fault. I know I need help just someone to talk to but I’m so afraid that If I go see a psychologist that it will just unlock all of this trauma I’ve hidden for so long. I don’t know how to face it.

I’m feeling lost and I want to take the pain away, I feel like I don’t deserve love and all I do is hurt people I love.

[Matilda06]

I believe facing this head on is the best solution.But only with Psychological help.Been there,done that.Know exactly where you’re at,I was five yrs old,lived with my abuser.Why allow yourself to live like this. its your choice to deal with this in a healthy way

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Rose_T,

I just saw your post & want to tell you that what happened is not your fault, it is the fault of the abuser.

i have had only recently realised that a few “incidents” I experienced as a child has greatly affected my adult life. The person involved was a medical professional and now 30 years later I freak out when going to medical appointments & get absolutely frozen with fear.

i kept this secret hidden inside for over 30 years, and finally a few weeks back I opened up & told my psychologist. I thought I would feel better letting it out & in a way it did, but I also felt more depressed than I have ever felt in my life for days afterwards. So yes, it is possible you may struggle remembering/re-living/talking about your past.

A few nights later I was so distressed thinking about the events I had to wake my partner in the middle of the night because I just needed to talk to someone. So I let it all out & cried & cried & cried. I felt so dirty & ashamed for something that was NEVER my fault that I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye when I told him.

But a week on & I am now starting to feel like a part of the weight has been lifted. I still don’t really know how to cope with it emotionally but my feelings aren’t so intense now.

And at least now I know I can work with my psychologist to deal with the pain.

so yes, it most likely will be very hard should you decide to speak to someone. But long term I think it could be beneficial. I say this from a position of hope looking at my own situation.

Just remember, you have the choice to tell your story. Or you could just start with telling part of the story. It’s up to you.
Im not sure if we are allowed to recommend places to contact but try the Blue Knot Foundation. They have a website & you can call them to speak with a counsellor during business hours on week days.

I hope you can discover a way to help you through this time. Big hugs.