Childhood abuse needing to face it

[Living57]

I need some guidance, help, suggestions.

I was abused as a child.

One of my abusers went on to become a policeman in Victoria, he has since retired. He was my brother, was because I have nothing to do with him. The last time I confronted him he denied the abuse, I told him I wanted to go to the police and discuss it, he laughed at me and told me they wouldn't do anything because he was one of them and they protect there own. Then he hung up.

I have picked up the phone a few times but dont know what department or who to talk to.

Is he telling it true that they wont listen to me because he was a policeman.

I need to deal with this issue, it haunts me, and I need some peace of mind.

I just dont know what to do. Do I push it to the back recesses of my mind, or do I try and be listened to. I dont even know what could be done if they listened to me, if anything could be done.

I know it plays over and over, and my other concern is that he has granddaughters as well, are they in any danger.

Any suggestions, I would be grateful.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Living57;

If 57's an age bracket, then I'm your age and also with child sexual abuse in my past.

I'm glad you came here; it takes guts to post for the first time so well done! Your story's a common theme among survivors, though confronting abusers takes more courage than some have.

I chose to bring it out in the open with my family instead of court. It caused an enormous upheaval but I was heard and eventually validated. No gaol time could ever replicate the punishment and humiliation of being outed like that.

If going to the Police is what you want, then by all means, do it. Being a police officer wouldn't be a plus I can assure you. Anyone giving policing agencies a bad name will go down with a thud.

You didn't mention if you're doing ok; I hope you are. Obviously this issue's playing on your mind, but why now? What prompted you in the first place? It's been many yrs since these events took place, so I'm wondering if something's gone amiss or happened in your life to focus on him at this time.

You also didn't say if you're seeing a therapist. They would be the ideal person to mull this over with. If you can't afford it or don't have one, the 'Victims of Crime Counselling Service' can help you with up to 22 free consults.

Please Google 'Victims of Crime' in your state to discuss your options. You can also claim compensation which is another process, but worth investigating.

Do you have someone you can confide in? Does your family know and if so, are they being kind or refuse to believe it? I had a mixture of both.

I'm here most days, so if you want to talk or rant, you can be sure someone's listening and understanding your situation.

Lovely to meet you; until next time...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[White_Rose]

Dear Living57

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you have had that dreadful experience and have been carrying it around for so long. I have not been in that situation so probably cannot fully understand your pain and sense of betrayal. I do know what pain and betrayal are so can have some empathy with you.

Sez as usual has given you some great advice and suggestions. I see her point about whether you want to confront him in the family or to make a formal complaint, or possibly both. Think carefully as any complaint will involve you in remembering what happened. That doesn't mean do nothing, just be prepared then do what you feel is right.

Victims of Crime is a good place to start. They will tell you how to go about doing whatever you want. I think police officers are as disgusted with child abusers as anyone else and will not shield another officer just because he was once in the police force. So be easy on that point.

Have you been remembering this all your life or has something triggered the memory? Whatever the reason I think it would help you to speak with a professional person. As Sez says, Victims of Crime will help with this.

I hope you will continue to post here. It's a good place to vent and tell us about your anger, hurt and shame. I say shame because so many abused children grow up with shame which is totally wrong and a dreadful legacy. You have been strong enough to write in here and we will support you.

Mary

[Living57]

Hi Sez

Thank for your kindness. A bit about me. I am 61 in a matter of days.

I bought this up with my mother st the time and then again later. Do not talk about, I will deal with it, dont tell your father. Later she spoke to a sister in England to send me to her, but my sister was newly married, she didn't want this. I spoke to my priest, he said he would tlk to my mum. I told my teachers, same response. So in the ending shut it off. It has never gone away. I see pics of him, breezing through life with his I am so good, look at me attitude. It hurts me. I confronted him as I said. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist and have a great dr. These issues came out during my last stay in a mental healthunit at hospital. I had not spoken of it before nor even my drs etc. Now it plagues me. I am estranged from my family. I have 8 brothers and 1 sister, I only have contact with two. My sister says it was so long ago it doesnt matter.

So I don't sleep, have nightmares, and feel he should be accountable for his actions.

So that's it, that's me.

Thanks

[Living57]

Hi Mary

Thank you for the words.

Rather than repeat myself, please read my reply to Sez.

Thank you for caring

[Roobot]

Hi

So sorry you are going through this.

I too was abused as a child by my brother and have watched him breeze through life.

I too have a large family (7 brothers and a sister) and my sister told me once to 'tie it all up in a package and bury it'

My GP (in the UK) was the one who 'outed' him after I went for meds one day. I was faced with complete denial from him. The GP knew what channels the reporting needed to go through.

After it came out I felt like the responsibility for the safety of any other children had shifted from me to the correct agencies. It was a relief.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out as your story seemed to mirror mine.

X Roo

[White_Rose]

Hello

Thank you for your reply. I see you have been living with this as an active memory all your life and that must be horrendous. There are others on this forum who have endured this abuse. How do you feel about talking with them? I will need to dig them up but if you think it it will help perhaps I can put you in touch with them.

It is sad your sister cannot relate to your hurt. It is hard to understand another's pain when there has not been any comparable event in someone's life. I know that's not much help but it is what happens. I gather you have now spoken about this abuse to both your psychologist and psychiatrist. And also that this is quite recently. Are they able to help you? It will take a while I think for you to be easier about everything so perhaps you can ask both psychs to go slowly with it. I know when I have been completely overwhelmed by my past I just cannot process anything. In fact I'm certain I don't hear much of what I'm told because it is all too hard.

There is this tension between wanting to get it over and done with and coping with my emotions and finding them piling up. One thing I have found though is that it does come to an end and there is some light. Please excuse the clichés and accept I mean what I say. On the whole it is better to go slowly. It's not an excuse but child abuse was not a topic when we were young. (I am a few years older than you). Unfortunately the victims were re-victimised by the disbelief and embarrassment of others who should have protected the young you.

I agree the perpetrators of such crimes should be accountable. Sadly the wheels of justice in this respect move very slowly. I think this is a topic you may want to explore with your mental health team. I also have a great GP and often wonder where I would have been without her.

You have two people here who will support you so please feel free to talk about anything.

Mary

[eagle72]

hello Living57

everyone deals with this shocking action differently....but, as a mum of a abused child i will share my feelings.

No one can change that it happened. Once you realise that are all alone with your abuse i feel the quicker you can heal. Because letting go....takes their power and gives it back to you!

we went to court and the sicko got supervised visits. abuse continued. and my daughter 11 years on is now a very angry confused young 14yr old.

I will always be here for her for whenever she is ready to release her emotions.

I think you just need one person in your life who you can say....its hit me....i feel sad...and that one person will say just two simple words back....

i know.....

[White_Rose]

Hello Eagle72

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on supporting your daughter. Also welcome to Roobot. It is so very sad to read stories of child abuse and know the harm it has caused to so many people, both the victims and their families. One of the important aspects of the BB forum is that those with stories such as these can reach out to each other for support and understanding.

Letting go of grief and pain is great but takes time to achieve and this is where BB can help to say those words "I know". Thanks Eagle for putting it so succinctly. I hope you continue to help others with that validation.

Hello Living57. How are you doing? I would love to hear from you again. Just drop a line to say you are OK.

Mary

[Living57]

Hi Mary and all the others who have taken the time to reach out to me, thank you so very much.

I spent a lot of last week dwelling thinking and rehashing. Not that it did a lot of good.

Child abuse was not talked about or known how to be dealt with when I was a child. I understand things were different.

I have a great GP and a counsellor, but opening up hurts and the words hurt, etc.

This weekend has added to my problems, i had decided to at least go and talk to my local police, get an idea of the process etc. A friend, and i use the term loosely, was going to take me, but she pulled out when a mutual acquaintance told her I was making false allegations. I cant change that, but then she also informed me she wont take me to a meeting in Monday snd to make my own way. I am utterly shattered. I have no car, and now need to fork out $180 approx in taxi fares for return trip.

Why oh why cant something go right for once.

Sorry, my rant.

Thanks again