carers guilt and grief

[startingnew]

Hi everyone

So i was a carer for my nan for about 2 yrs maybe more and we were really close ans when i began caring for her became closer who passed away two years ago now. .
I wasnt really able to grieve at the time as i was tyring to hold my pop whom im now a carer for my mum together and making sure everyone needs were met.
im having so many regrets about what i should have done whati should have said what i should have changed. I feel selfish alot of the time because every now and then i would go out with a friend and i really regret it now.

My nan had many illnesses including cancer so i went to all of her appointments and made sure she was ok.

It hurts me everyday. I miss her so much.
I get alot of flash back esp of the year before like Christmas and birthdays easter and all the rest of the occasions.
She was in a wheelchair and home oxygen 24/7 as she had bad lungs from copd.
So it did make it hard for her to go out when she was getting worse
I get flashbacks of the night i stayed at their house and i heard my pop completley break down and found my nan slumped in the wheelchair in the bathroom as thats how she got around
She was so weak and couldnt even hold herself up so i had to while calling am ambulance calling my who was 10 min drive away and help pop keep it together. It hurts me every single day.
I also have the last memory of my nan in the hospital amd as i was leaving she gave me a little smile and a wave and off we went.
She died 2am that next morning.

[Croix]

Dear Startingnew~

I helped look after my first wife for 9 months before she passed away. She was hospitalized and I spent part of each day with her and more time again on the phone that evening.

I mention this so you know I've some idea of the regrets, missed opportunities and little selfishnesses that haunt the mind.

While I've no magic answer to those feelings I do have one thing I cling to that does help. My wife was still a person. That may sound silly, what I mean is there is a trap that is easy to fall into. Thinking all the responsibility rests with me, when in fact it does not.

She would tell me to go home as I was tired, that not only helped me, but helped her to still be looking after me. She would be happy for me to go out and do something which I enjoyed. That way she felt less of a burden.

The picture of your Nan smiling and waving means a lot to me, it tells me she was a person too.

I hope that makes sense.

Croix

[solabear]

Oh dear Startingnew, You did an amazing job caring for your nan, it takes a special person to do what you've done.

You said...."im having so many regrets about what i should have done whati should have said what i should have changed. I feel selfish alot of the time because every now and then i would go out with a friend and i really regret it now." I think it's the depression talking, you should really give yourself a break and I don't think your nan would want you to feel this way. When we are depressed, our mind is telling us stories which are far from the truth. I do it all the time, when I'm really down.....feeling guilty and having regrets about what I've done in the past. It's the illness talking and it's telling lies. Don't listen to it.

Hugs from Sola

[startingnew]

my nan had cancer. very aggressive cancer. i use to drive my nan and pop to all the appointments and back, even after watching her get treatment. it got to the stage she was getting to sick and decide to switch to radiation treatment.

she had end stage COPD, with pretty much only one lung, nearly no vision, hard of hearing, bronchitis and asthma as well as the cancer. i wouldnt wish anyone to go through that nor families to have to watch their loved one try to give it their all to know in the end it wasnt working and only had limited time to live. it was hard for me to walk around knowing that within the next few weeks after my nan had given up treatments that she wasnt going to be here anymore. she could even lie down, she had to be seated upright, even alseep becasue she couldnt breathe otherwise, home oxygen 24/7. theres 10 levels of air flow through the machines and she was on 8, she needed to go higher but couldnt not for only the weak lung she had left.

@Croix thank you for sharing your story. I know she was a person. I just wishi couldve done more 😞

@Solabear ive felt like this for a long time now. I just didnt know whether to startthis thread or not.

Im notcoping with all of this. I dont know how to stop having all this guilt

[startingnew]

i want to go visit my nan 😞

why cant there be a stair way to heaven with visiting hours 😞

i wish she were here

[solabear]

Your nan is in a beautiful, peaceful place and she wants you to be happy and feel peaceful too. I know you miss her sweetie, but I'm sure it will get better with time. You will learn to except your life without her being here. Grieving is a process we have to go through and it takes time. Allow yourself to be sad, but do not feel guilty about anything ....guilt is a useless and destructive emotion you don't need.

I wish I could take your pain away, sending hugs your way.

Sola

[startingnew]

😞 i know shes in a better place and shes not in pain anymore. i just miss her so badly

😞