Can't see my son.

[HeavyMetalDad]

Hi Everyone

This is my first time here, Dont know where else to turn.

I have just been tossed away by Ex of 5 years, 5 years of bad and sad events. I'm 43, her 46. We rushed in to the relationship, with her falling pregnant after 3 months. the week I found out I was going to be a dad, I also found out she was cheating, the joy was destroyed. I stayed with her, we fought alot, and I was physically assaulted by her (on numerous occasions) I had to give up all of my friends at her demand if i wanted to know my baby. Find out we're having twins. At 34 weeks, one of the twins died in utero. With bub nearing 1yr, we moved in with my dad, her back went out, bed ridden for 4 weeks, I took over all responsibilities. the Ex, once she was up walking, decided to mix alcohol with medication, ended up assaulting my father. all through the relationship I have been criticized and controlled, to this day, I havnt been allowed to take my son to see my side of the family, my mum has never met him. In this time I busted my neck and back, 2 ruptured discs compressed spinal chord, leaving me impotent. 2 weeks ago she told me she cant live with out sex and that I was withholding on purpose, followed by calling me gay and that I want to have sex with men, she threw things at me and smashed glass everywhere, at this point I picked up a dinning chair and hit the kitchen table with it, she told me to leave, and I immediately left. I got arrested and AVO. now I'm not allowed to see or talk to my son. I dont want her back, the thought hasn't even crossed my mind. But my son is my world, he has global development delays and I was there for him every day. I miss him so much, hes just adorable. So empty now, I cant live without him. please help me, I'm begging you, please help me

[MarkJT]

HeavyMetalDad, hey mate, welcome to the forums. Want to let you know that it is a hugely supportive and non judgemental place so well done for coming here and posting, takes courage so again, well done.

Your situation is one that is all to common unfortunately and the first thing i want to say is that as you have the AVO against you, you need to keep your nose clean.

I can only imagine what it is like to be separated from your lad and I can feel your hurt in your words.

You need to be the better person here. I do not know what your drinking and eating habits are like but i would recommend that you cut right down or stop drinking alcohol and improve your diet (unless it is already tip top). Your own personal self care is critical right now. Do you exercise at all? If not, start - it is awesome for your mental health.

You are really cherry ripe for a mental health condition setting in so the more you can do now, the better off you will be.

It sounds like that your ex is not going to change her ways so I do not think you need to try and do that.

How old is your lad now?

Perhaps it would be an idea to seek out some legal advice about the AVO. There can be provisions put in there for you to spend time with your son and if you can show the court that you are healthy, alcohol free, live clean and in a nice environment, it will add plenty to your chances of having him.

I am not going anywhere so more than happy to keep chatting away here whilst we work through what is going on.

Mark.

P.S. Slipknot's Psychosocial helped get me through PTSD...love them!

[HeavyMetalDad]

Thanks MarkJT,

I'm definitely keeping my nose clean. as for booze, im recovering alcoholic 4yrs sober, so I stay away or the booze never stops. legal aid is helping me and even making exceptions for me considering the circumstances. I have a history of depression, so trying to battle against it, getting back into playing and writing music. Guns n roses "you crazy" is on high rotation atm.

Once court is finalized, I will do some parenting courses/anger management to better myself.

thanks

[HeavyMetalDad]

MarkJT

my boy is 3 1/2 years, and just amazing

[MarkJT]

HeavyMetalDad, that is awesome that you have been sober for four years - that is a massive effort. Much respect there.

Great that you have legal aid onside and that once court is done you will get into some courses.

Two things i want to expand on:

1) History of depression - are you currently being treated for that?

2) Anger management - get onto mindfulness. There is a free app called "Smiling Mind" that teaches you how to do it and it will help you contain and disperse anger. I practice mindfulness heaps and for the most part now, it is with music.

Now i reckon you would be practicing mindfulness quite often, you probably don't realise it. Do you ever just lose yourself and track of time when music is playing? Do you lose track of time when playing and writing music? That would be mindfulness.

If you could learn to do this at will, when you feel the anger rise, get it going and hopefully will ground you.

As a PTSD sufferer, my anger can come on pretty quick so this is why i am practicing it so much.

You are doing really well considering what has gone on. You are doing plenty right and have plans in place. Keep doing what you are doing.

Mark.

[HeavyMetalDad]

MarkJT, I am currently seeing a psychologist, therapy helps tremendously. I will download the app. Im willing to give anything a go to see my boy.

thanks heaps, I really appreciate your help.

Metaldad.

[J17]

So sorry you are going through this. Great suggestions above. My additional suggestions would be can you afford a lawyer? Even if only for a little bit I would seek help from an accredited family lawyer. If not then do your own research on family law as well and know what it is all about.

If your son is not on the AVO then your ex is in the wrong by denying you access and the courts will see that.

I personally wouldn't wait to do the anger management and also a parenting class. You need to show that you are invested. These will only help you in court and even more so if you do them without them asking. However I would try to get an agreement out of court. Legal aid will push for an agreement out of court also. If in the interim the other side asks for supervised visits just do it. Seeing your son and having that contact is important.

Keep a journal/diary. Do not text/phone the other side. Let the lawyers handle it.

She is going to bring up everything from your past to use against you so get all the evidence now to show that for example you are sober and that has nothing to do with your parenting today.

If you are depressed and need help there is no shame in asking or using medication/therapy to help this. If you had diabetes you would treat it, so if you have depression also treat it. The family courts are a scary thing and very stressful. I hope you get to see your son soon. Good luck with it all.

[HeavyMetalDad]

Thanks J17,

my court appearance has passed, just waiting on paperwork. Ended up with good behavior. Sons name was removed from Avo, and the judge varied avo so I could enter into a parenting plan. will see solicitor the moment I receive paperwork from court.

I am hoping to settle out of court, as it would be most beneficial to us both, ex lives 600km from where I reside now, and she would have to travel this to go to family court, and she is in need of a major operation, and she has no one to care for our son. I have many witnesses ready to testify on her behavior and actions, including assault on my family. I have adhered to the avo by the letter.

As for any courses I should do, I am ready to undertake whatever is necessary to facilitate a positive outcome.

It has been over 1 month now since I have seen or heard my son, it is becoming more painful everyday, now I am having nightmares. my next psychologist appt is in 10 days.

I will keep you posted on the progress, and again, I thank you all for your kind help and support.

Cheers MetalDad.