Can't cope anymore after 2 decades of struggling

[Wit_Send]

First time using a forum, seeing if this may help. I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents from the age of 8, now 28. My dad was worse, he would chase me around the house and corner me. My mum slapped at me at times, never did anything to stop my dad. I was always a bubbly kid, sensitive but popular, loved people and my (extended) family. From about the age of 12 I started to develop depression, withdrew from my friends. By about the age of 14 I had MDD, severe generalised anxiety, bulimia and suicidal thoughts. My dad would always scream at me when I cried, or showed "negative" emotion so I held everything in and started drinking excessively to deal with them to the point where I abused it. At about 21 I'd finally had enough, I moved into my aunt's place. At this point my dad started spreading lies about me to my extended family. I don't know what he said but it was enough to make my nan (his mum) who was my only positive relationship turn nasty on me. I was devastated. That side of the family never knew what he was like, he was an "angel" to them and at home he turned on me. Never my sisters. Moved interstate not long after, still with MDD and anxiety. Since I've had a number of jobs where I've been bullied, struggled to build relationships or friendships because I'm so damaged and scared of people. I've on/off been struggling with bulimia and anxiety won't go away. I've tried a few psychologists but none have helped. I haven't spoken to my dad since I left, my mum I've recently cut off from her complete insensitivity and inability to be a mother. My dad and her are separated, only because he left, which I hold against her. I desperately want to move on and have a good life but everything I've tried has failed and now because of my negative experiences I'm too scared to leave the house. I know in my head these feelings aren't logical and I punish myself for acting this way. I don't have anyone to support me, family or friends, my sisters and i aren't close and my family has been turned against me. I just want to heal but it's so hard with no support. Most days i think about not wanting to be alive because i can't carry this anymore and I don't see the fog lifting after 2 decades. Just wanting to vent a bit but also if anyone has had a similar experience or advice would be welcome. It's really difficult having no one understand, but i thought maybe in this forum someone would.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Wit_Send,

I’m sorry to hear of the difficult journey you have been on, and the struggles you have had with your family at such a young age. It must be very difficult to be sitting with these thoughts of no longer wanting to be here, but it is very brave and a great step that you have reached out here.
Please do not hesitate to call our Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 to talk through these feelings with one of our friendly counsellors. 
You have come to a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings with others who share similar experiences, so feel free to continue to post what is on your mind. Please know that you are not alone in this. We look forward to hearing how you are going when you feel up to it.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So, it seems you are in a hut on an island. I know that feeling well. Having conflict with family members is one thing bit when they manipulaye other family loved ones that then turn against you, very sad indeed.

It is of course, all about power. Some parents like to control their children even once they've grown up. When they dont "behave" anymore they can no longer chase you around or slap you, so they resort to hurting you in other ways. Like manipulating others by demonising you.

By the time this has occured you have found your own mind, make your own judgements and boken free. Tyrants never win!

So advice isnt easy as we dont know all of your family chemistry but generally time can heal. In the meantime only allow people in your life that agree not to get involved. For example if a cousin or friend chats with you about your parents, ask yourself- do you ever interfere in their relationship with their parents? That is the power of manipulation- getting others to bat for them. So beware.

If you desire to continue with your relationships with your sisters then do so and encourage it but beware of alterior motives. Golden children, that is siblings or cousins that are favoured by your parents wont know what you've gone through...even if you spell it out, they havent felt the wrath of abuse.

Shrugging off childhood normally needs psychiatric treatment. Counseling may help. Self help can come in the form of a forum like this, seeking quality friends and a stable love life. Sporting interests and hobbies can give distractions. Essentially building up a new life. How much you leave the door open for reunification is entirely up to you.

Please google the following and read just the first post

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (also part 2)

Beyondblue topic the definition of abuse

And an ongoing thread you can post in....beyondblue topic do you like yourself? Your thoughts are welcome

Google

Queen witch hermit waif

That will explain how control can be damaging.

The last thing I'd like to mention is tenacity. You are a survivor, you know right from wrong, you excel where others hesitate. Hold onto your positives and be proud.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Wit_Send]

Thanks so much Tony, I really appreciate all of that. I've certainly tried different things in terms of trying to find hobbies and making friends. Unfortunately had a few negative friendships where I've been bullied or they have made negative judgements about me if I have tried to share even small fragments of my past which has made the social aspect of my anxiety worse. I think the horse I've tried to get back on so many times, I've just sent it on its way and shut off.

I think you're right in that it might be an idea to see a psychiatrist, counselling and psychologists haven't helped, some have even been quite condescending and not at all helpful. I don't like the idea of altering medications but if they give the right balance, for a short while maybe it will help with therapy.

[Wit_Send]

Sorry I don't think I made it clear that my dad would physically abuse me.

Unfortunately I had a really good relationship with my cousins and auntys/uncles on my dads side before I moved away at 21, before he turned them against me. I haven't spoken to them since. I've spoken to my nan maybe twice and it's been strained. This upsets me the most, the loss of my extended family. But I'm too scared to reach out in case their reaction is negative and it makes me feel worse.

I always wonder if I should tell them what my dad was like so they know my side, but experience has told me people will disbelieve and judge you before the other person even if you are the victim.

My dads side of the family doesnt talk to him anymore because he went crazy one night and flew into a rage at my aunty (his sister) and they saw a different side. But they dont know how bad he really was so still hesitate.

[White_Rose]

Dear Wit_Send

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. You have had a hard time especially being unwell at such a young age. There will be no bullying or judgements here. We are all in similar boats coping with various mental illnesses which means we can empathise with how you are going.

It's not good to feel you have failed at everything and I think that's not entirely true. You have certainly not failed by writing in here. When your life has been so difficult and you have been so let down by those who should protect you it's not easy to put your trust in others. I think it colours your perception of everyone and you end up only seeing the negatives in life. That is not a good way to live. We need other people in our lives, we are hard wired for this. When all we feel is rejection our most basic need is ignored. Hardly surprising we become unwell.

So what can you do about it? I think Tony is right in saying a psychiatrist would be a good place to start. Get a referral from your GP. The GP will want to know what's happening for you so writing down those hurtful events will help the GP. It will also help the conversation as you will not be trying to remember everything. You can print out your first and show that to the GP. Ask the doctor to refer you to someone who specialises in child abuse. It may not be possible, depending on where you live, but any good psychiatrist can help.

How did you get on when you were living with your aunt? Did she believe your dad's stories? You know best about your sisters. Even if they were not subjected to the same abuse as you they saw it. However we all see things differently and they may not realise how damaging it was for you. If I may suggest, talk to your sisters if you feel OK about it but try not to get into an argument. Better to walk away. My GP is forever saying that to me as I will not walk away when someone is doing the wrong thing. Her advice is to pick my battles. I make the same suggestion to you. Pick the battles you can manage and leave the rest.

This is a good place to come to when you are feeling upset and angry. We are always here though not always immediately.

Mary