C-PTSD/developmental immaturity... Living in fear. (¿Trigger warning?)

[TB-L1995]

I’ve been scoping out this forum for awhile now, I’ve been afraid of posting... until now I guess, okay then. Recently I was diagnosed with c-PTSD due to living with child/adulthood trauma. I am 25 yrs old and, well, I don’t remember a day in my entire existence when I wasn’t being subjected to trauma or abuse. If the abuse wasn’t being dished out by another, then it was me abusing me, after all I could only take so much until I had to stop and think, if in fact there was something internally wrong with me that was the reason why these horrible things kept on happening to me.

I was bullied from the day I walked into primary until the day I left high school in year 11. I was verbally abused, physically harassed, humiliated and neglected at every turn by the people (i.e. teachers and parents) who were meant to protect me from such acts of cruelty. The teachers I blame the most, my parents, well they are certainly at fault in many ways, but there came a time where my trust in adults evaporated, and as a result I kept a lot to myself... I can can go on and on about my childhood with the bullying, the neglect and my battle with mental illness which between the ages 18 & 20 I spent more time in mental health institutions then out — s-harm/s-attempts/dissociation etc.— same as recently tbh, but none of that compares to the last 5 years.

At 20 yrs of age I got on NDIS, shortly after my last hospital admission my family had very little hope left, so their last attempt was to put me on NDIS. Thus began the 5 worse years of my life... I was soon paired with a DSW who became my full-time “carer”... well that was a  joke, because in those 5 years he raped me/physically and psychologically abused me/threatened me/manipulated me into being his slave by working intensively for 90hrs a week without a dime, only with the promise of not facing his wrath if I do... not that he kept that promise anyway. He put my life in danger (erratic driving/taking me to his drug dealer/other)/he leveraged my already addictive persona by getting me on the drugs & alcohol (“drink with me or you’ll regret it”) controlled my finances putting me in dept after my escape and worse of all making me bare witness to his abuse of others (“tell anyone and you’ll regret it”)... gaslighting — made me believe I was Bisexual to justify him raping me (“I see you’re confused, if you want you can experiment with me, let me help you” etc.) I’m scared and I don’t know how to cope with any of this.

[no_one1]

Hi TB-L1995.

Sounds like you've been through hell and back.

I am so sorry to hear what about you've been through, opening up is always hard, but it's a start on the recovery journey.

I just want to say what your DSW put you through is appalling and no-one should ever be subjected to that kind of abuse from someone who is such a position.

I know it feel might an impossible thing to do, but if possible report him. I understand you may be afraid, which can make it difficult. Of not do you have someone you can trust that may be able to help?

It's really disappointing and heartbreaking to know that people like that can work in this field, whilst many other people I know can't get work in this field who would make wonderful workers and could actually make a difference.

Do you still have this worker? If so ask the agency for a change, remember it is up to you who you work with, if possible again, tell them why you want to change workers and explain you're scared of backlash, they should be able to protect you in some way.

I don't know what else to say other than regarding bullying, I feel your pain. I too was bullied relentlessly at school, leaving school was the best day of my life...

I wish you all the best remember you are not alone

[Croix]

Dear TB-L1995~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Support Forum. This is a gentle place, with complete anonymity and the emphasis on support. From your reading you will see htere have been many who have been dealt hte hardest of lives. It breeds compassion, understanding and caring.

I am really surprised and glad you were able to put the terrible things in your life down here in writing. I'm surprised because when having been abused for so long the will and confidence to do anything at all just disappears -so there must be a spark left inside you -how great.

The other thing is how clearly you recognize the events of your life, no self fooling, no minimizing, just the facts.

You did say the words "my escape". I'm not sure what do you mean, has that DSW gone from your life?

In a world where so many have abused you is there anyone to be on your side. That's not to say you might trust them completely but think they may be an ally?

I'm not sure who that might be, the professional that diagnosed you with CPTSD, a parent or other family member perhaps?

You do need an ally, one to help you get your carer replaced with someone who is gentle and helpful. It might take a long time to get used to or believe that sort of thing, but it is out htere.

To be consistently bullied leaves huge scars, your image of yourself, of all others, and particularly those whose job it is to be your defenders and comforters all seem the same.

To overcome that and get to beleive there are good steadfast and caring people is a very long journey, and one that requires skilled professional help. To find that is hard, it has to be just the right person, probably a psychiatrist who you get to 'click' with long before you trust.

I would really like it if you could write more and talk about your circumstances now, including problems such as drugs and alcohol you might face on top of everything else

You cope becsue that spark in you, plus maybe anger, can keep you going.

Croix

[TB-L1995]

Hi no.one,

Thanks for reaching out and showing that you care, irl I run on limited supply in regards to having people who care for me... and what little supply I do have it is hard for me to trust completely. Having been burnt as many times as I have in the past, trust is not a tool I have under my belt... yet. Having been in and out of rehab recently, time is something I now have, and time is going to be what it takes to heal. How that healing takes shape I am still unsure about, hopefully as I start to make sense of all my trauma, things will start to reveal themselves that will help me find peace in regards to the life I have lived.

In regards to my NDIS DSW, it is complicated... The things that he inflicted on me (and others) were criminal and monstrous! I may one day heal, but I’ll never forget the mental torture and the betrayal that man put me through. He was hired to look after me and help me with my mental illness, instead, he took advantage of my vulnerable state for his own sick/twisted ideas. I was nothing but a tool to him.

No he isn’t my DSW anymore, in fact he was only my DSW for 2ish years... “come on mate, you don’t need NDIS anymore, you’ve made so much progress. Whatever you need I can give you,

[TB-L1995]

Hi no.one,

Thanks for reaching out and showing that you care, irl I run on limited supply in regards to having people who care for me... and what little supply I do have it is hard for me to trust completely. Having been burnt as many times as I have in the past, trust is not a tool I have under my belt... yet. Having been in and out of rehab recently, time is something I now have, and time is going to be what it takes to heal. How that healing takes shape I am still unsure about, hopefully as I start to make sense of all my trauma, things will start to reveal themselves that will help me find peace in regards to the life I have lived.

In regards to my NDIS DSW, it is complicated... The things that he inflicted on me (and others) were criminal and monstrous! I may one day heal, but I’ll never forget the mental torture and the betrayal that man put me through. He was hired to look after me and help me with my mental illness, instead, he took advantage of my vulnerable state for his own sick/twisted ideas. I was nothing but a tool to him.
No he isn’t my DSW anymore, in fact he was only my DSW for 2ish years... “come on mate, you don’t need NDIS anymore, you’ve made so much progress. Whatever you need I can give you, I see you as my surrogate Son, let me mentor you so you can be done with this NDIS nonsense”. He was rightish, on the surface I look fine... Thanks to him, I was so afraid of showing weakness/vulnerability that I put all of it into a box in the back of my mind... dissociating and splitting were the only ways I could survive. So I put on a face, I did whatever I could to make him happy, because maybe if I kept him happy then he wouldn’t hurt me... wrong, that didn’t happen. Though it didn’t stop me from trying. Besides with my co-dependency issues, I had to be strong so I could protect others from him (i.e family/friends/partners/other clients). One of the hardest things that I had to do was lie to everyone that I knew. Every time I went to visit friends/family, I had to put on a happy face and lie, I was afraid that if I told anyone, then he would follow through on his threats.

Because he got me off NDIS I’m scrambling for supports, I’m stuck with psychs/social workers/12 step fellowships for now. As for legal, I’m too afraid. If I don’t win, he would have still lost everything (rightfully so), but I can’t think of anything scarier than a intelligent narc w/ nothing to loose. He’s naturally obsessive, so revenge isn’t something I’d put past him

[TB-L1995]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for kind/empathetic welcome to this forum. Making this post didn’t come easily too me, I guess reading other people’s stories made me feel less alone in my struggles. But that alone wasn’t enough, before Rehab I was, like you said, devoid of hope, I had zero confidence and I lacked the will to go on... I almost lost my life by suicide, If it wasn’t for the family catching on and the person on the other end of LifeLine I would have been finished.
In saying that my life could have finished more than that one time. It certainly wasn’t the first time I considered it, and yet every single time I survived. I don’t know where that spark resides within me, but there are times where I wish it would just bugger off... I’ve been staying strong for 20 odd yrs and it is honestly exhausting, and I often get angry at that part of my self that won’t let me just die. 20 yrs of trauma and abuse is a long time to be fighting.
I’m at the point where I no longer want to sugarcoat my life, so I stick with the facts and keep with the honesty because for so long I’ve had to keep these things bottled up to protect myself and others, so now I just want to release all this pent up distress... it’s to much to have to carry day in and day out.

As I mentioned in my reply to no.one he is no longer my DSW, hasn’t been for awhile, but that didn’t change the fact that I was still trapped by him. Fear was my main motivator to not leave him, and the obligation I felt to protect others under his care. Though he forced me to work for him, I was secretly okay with that, because as long as I was there for them, it meant I could protect them from him... until of course he took over at night. Anyway, I escaped at the start of Jan this year, along with his Ex. I wouldn’t have done it without her.

I do have “allies” but as you said, it’s going to take time for me to trust anyone again. Another revelation I got from rehab is that I no longer blame myself for the things that happened, I didn’t deserve to be abused and traumatised for as long as I have. It is not my fault.

As with the D&A, I am getting help from AA + NA as well as other fellowships for my other issues (i.e. SLAA/CODA and eventually ACOA when I’m ready). My issues with D&A are simple, when I have them I can’t stop consuming. That and I’ve trauma bonded with them... Threats stopped when I became addicted. Fear of harm causes my drinking.

[TB-L1995]

Okay for some reason my posts didn’t come out the way I wrote them done. I think the copy and paste mucked up both of my replies. I may have to rewrite.

[Croix]

DEar TB-L1995~

I think most of what you wanted to say has arrived, even if not in the order you might have wished.

I do know that D&A have to be replaced either by the cause (fear) being stopped or a better coping mechanism offered.

I'm not clever enough to suggest eihter way, but there are those that are.

I think in my case it came down to hope -plus stubbornness too I guess. I glimpsed a new life though study and built it into a career -an alien concept I'd never have thought of before.

I'm a little worried about the phrase you used

"I didn’t deserve to be abused and traumatised for as long as I have"

Why the as long as I have? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, maybe not. You did not ever deserve any of it -none, full stop.

When forced into situations you have to do things you did not want to sometimes one can start to blame oneself, even though realizing you had no choice. I found anger helped, I rightly blamed those responsible and would not let their actions defeat me completely (though thy came close). I too tried to take my life.

As for taking any sort of action or complaint, that is a path to more reliving the trauma, something very few can achieve without simply becoming worse.

I'm now gong to be transparent and ask you about the things in life you may have enjoyed before or do now, anything, no matter how silly or small, from an ice-cream to a book.

You know why of coure, a life so full of hurt has to be counteracted, partly by the distraction and partly by the reemergence of enjoyment, things to look forward to each day. I had books

Croix