Alcohol addiction and emotional abuse

[Empathic]

Well here I am in the midst of trying to rebuild my marriage after discovering my husbands depression had spiralled into alcohol, medication and porn addiction.

I have trolled the internet for answers and help and have come upon the subject of emotional abuse. All sites deal with the more severe aspects but what if the emotional abuse has been so subtle its almost undetectable? Its only been through reading up that I realise I have been a victim. Firstly, when he was home he pretty much ignored me then would turn up with flowers or buy me something expensive. He constantly made jokes about everything I said or did. If we were out he would ignore me and if I approached him or found ourselves face to face he'd laugh and say "you still here?" If I watched one of my TV programs he'd sit there through the whole thing making silly comments until I turned it off then he'd act all hurt and tell me he was only joking. Anything I wanted to do was quickly discarded in favour of an activity he preferred. While he was away from home he would send messages often with a derogatory pet name for me (boofhead was his favourite) He would ignore my requests to help with anything, never consider my feelings in decisions he made and made light of our situation when I tried to talk about his obvious alcohol abuse.

Its taken me a lot to realise and admit to myself that I am a victim of emotional abuse and now I have yet another thing to add to the very long list of stuff for me to work through. Is there any hope at all?

[geoff]

hello Empathic, nice to hear from you again, well from what you have just told us it's slowly being recognised how he behaves, and by buying flowers and something expensive is always a lovely gesture but in totally different circumstances, because this is what happens when you're first married and on cloud 9, but certainly not by what he has been doing, it's only a gesture so that you will accept what he's been doing and is not acceptable.
I remember talking about this when you first made your comment because what he is doing is way out of proportion and breaks the rules to any marriage and I don't believe he is ever going to change.
You have asked yourself 'a very long list of stuff for me to work through', well I think that you're only 'flogging a dead horse' and will not be able to get him to change.
You can hope and pray that it will all change, but the flowers and expensive presents are just a con, I'm sorry to say. Geoff.

[Morpheus]

Hi Empathic,

I am sorry to hear the emotional rollercoaster you are going through. Depression and addiction are mental health illnesses which your partner is not at fault of suffering. He is however, responsible for his recovery. Only he can be responsible for it. Now, there is a similar issue named codependency where a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behaviour.

So as much as it is his responsibility to seek help and get better, it is yours to either support him and offer responsible love (tough love) or walk away and not sink with him.

I hope you find wisdom and peace to find your answers.

Regards,

M

[geoff]

hi Empathic, just wondering how it's all going. Geoff.

[Empathic]

Hi Geoff

I'm doing as well as I can. We are both receiving counselling which has identified several repressed memories my husband had which in turn manifested in a self defence mode. I have to give him credit for facing these, talking openly to me about them and taking steps to change his thinking. He has been very attentive and trying extremely hard to show me he still wants me in his life. He does seem genuinely remorseful and hates what I've been put through.

However, I am still struggling very hard. The counsellor ( who is also a qualified psych) has confirmed I am suffering PTSD from the trauma of finding out all my husbands secrets. The counsellor has told us both that I need to take care of me first and foremost. So many things trigger invasive thoughts and it seems every advert on tv is for a dating website! All I see are those pages online with my husbands profile. He has now gone back to work for 7 weeks overseas and I have to admit I am somewhat relieved. Yes I am wondering what he is up to but I am valuing the time alone to work through my own demons he's forced on me.

Thank you for checking in on me.

[Robbie_A]

Hi Empathic,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.. And feeling let down is such an awful feeling,but as you said your husband now seems very genuine,and is remorseful for what has been done.

Also as you wrote you have to think about you now and putting yourself first is the only way I believe you are going to find real growth and being humble and caring to yourself is what makes us better people and stronger to be able to overcome all these obstacles.

And then and only then you will be able to make better decisions in your life out of a clear mind and not with a damaged mind.. And all the things your doing with councilling etc is great to be able to open and be honest,honesty is the key to making things better or making them disappear..

I truly wish you all the best in this path..

And if your finding your head doing head miles,maybe try meditating to escape your mind and try think of nothing at all..

I started meditation about 8 months ago and it has be life changing for me,i suffer from depression and anxiety for no many years and meditating every morning has worked miracles for me..

Maybe give it a go in your free time.. See if you like it..

All the best

Robbie

[TenacityJane]

I feel your pain. Emotional and psychological abuse is very insidious - it is really only the pattern over a long period of time that enables you to see it.

I believe there is always hope - certainly you have the hope of a happier, healthier future, whether that be still in your relationship with your husband, on your own or with someone else in the future.

Remember - it takes 2 to tango, and you can only lead the horse to water - you can't make him drink. My husband and I are almost 12 months after his epiphany (acknowledging he had been abusing me for years) and we still have work to do ahead of us to be able to stay together. We are both working at it very hard ... time will tell if we can go the course, but I definitely have hope that the rest of my life won't be like the last 10 years.

Actually - not hope. I know, because I can shape my future. Hope that helps xo

[geoff]

hi Empathic, boy, I know all of this is very unpleasant, and while he is away will give you time to get the help you need, until it's time for him to return, you are going to be very nervous not expecting what will happen, so this is where a psychologist can help you.
I have been replying to 'Irish17' which you maybe interested in reading, but 7 weeks will go quickly soI'd really like you to keep me updated, plus others have also joined in which is great. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Empathic,

Hopefully you can use this time your husband is a way to really build yourself up.

Things that are helping me at the moment is to look at thoughts and triggers as being helpful or unhelpful, if they are unhelpful, consider why, acknowledge those thoughts and try to do something else to take your mind off the hard stuff.

I'm also looking at some self acceptance issues! There have been times when I wish I had behaved or done things differently so I was not so taken for granted and emotionally abused as well. The thing is, in the past, I managed the only way I knew how to.

Now I am more aware of my own patterns of dealing with issues, I can change those and become more the person I desire to be. It may take time and a bit of work, but slowly I am getting there!

Cheers from Dools.

[Empathic]

Thank you all so much. Your support here has been amazing ❤