After 3 and a half decades, it seems to matter now!

[Pot-Kettle-]

Hello, first time poster!

40 year old male here. I'll try and keep it concise. When I was at pre-school, aged about 4 years old, something happened to me, that 30 years later, became apparently more abusive, than just something that just happened to "all kids".

It wasn't a memory that overwhelmed me, or even plagued me for many years, it was just "one of those things", until about 7 years ago, I randomly shared the experience with friends, to somewhat shocked responses. I instantly played it down as a "mis-memory" so to speak but the memory has no begun to really bother me, 3 and a half decades later.

I have a memory of being taken into a room at pre-school, being made to get naked and then "examined". I remember it as being under the pretense of a medical examination, by a visiting nurse but have no idea consciously, who it was. So for me, this became what happened to every kid, when the nurse came to visit for health check-ups. Many years Iater I shared this with my friends and NOBODY else had this experience. Some were a bit more like WTF?

Does anyone else in or from Tasmania, know if this actually was "standard procedure" in the early 1980's? Because part of me is hanging onto the thread that it was just a "medical check-up" but the fact that it's always been a moment in my life that made me feel uncomfortable enough to never forget it and the lack of other peers having the same experience, is making me think the worst and question the whole issue!

Sorry, not very concise in the end but any thoughts ir advice aporeciated. Thank you.

P.K.

[Lonelydan]

Hi Pot- kettles, Welcome to the beyond blue. I've never heard of this as a standard procedure. The only thing I can think of maybe you might of had some bruises or marks on your body and someone at your pre school thought you were being hurt at home. Do you remember any inappropriate touching or pain from the nurse. Dan..

[Just Sara]

Hi PK and welcome to our caring community;

Danny has given what I see as a rational explanation, so my question is; "Are you more concerned about your friends responses than the incident itself, or does the experience itself bother you?"

Feeling as if your experience doesn't 'fit in' with expectations of others can be isolating if their responses are important to you. I don't personally find it shocking, just a somewhat inappropriate act. Though as you don't remember details, the emphasis is on 'feeling' uncomfortable.

When children experience events they can't understand or verbalise, the physical experience is remembered; therefore it's a 'tactile' memory. Being touched while naked at such a young age by an unknown person would be unusual.

You may have questions relating to that experience from the perspective of a small child still needing answers. I suggest a visit with a reputable psychologist to talk it over and see if there's any residual effect that needs addressing.

I'm so glad you've bought this up on BB forum, as we aim to support people looking for answers to long standing questions. Personally, I don't feel there's any sexualised behaviour to be concerned about. It seems more about how your friends reacted.

I hope you'll come back and visit us to tell how things are going. I wish you well on your journey.

Warm thoughts...

Sara

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums Pot-Kettle,

Well done for sharing this disturbing experience. Whatever it was all about has obviously left a deep emotional mark. It is not unusual for traumatic events to stay dormant while "fermenting" for years. Then they bubble up to the surface and take us by surprise.

As an ex abuse victim myself, I'd suggest you have this investigated by a professional. An open talk with a GP about your concerns would be a good place to start. It would help you get to the bottom of it. If left unattended, PTSD can infiltrate every area of life so please take good care of yourself. Your decision to talk about it here at BB shows that it requires attention. It was a wise first step. You deserve to reclaim some peace of mind.

Kindest thoughts.

[Pot-Kettle-]

Hello Dan, thank you for your reply.

I've talked to my mother about this and although she seemed more interested in "not talking about it", she definitely gave me the impression, if anything had been suspected on that front, it never went further than the room. My parents have been questioned on this previously when I was a baby. I'm brown skinned, and I don't think many people in Tasmania in the 1970's had much experience with melanin spreading throughout the body. Apparently it can look like bruising.

I don't remember visually seeing any inappropriate touching but I remember feeling it physically. My private area was touched which I for many years just figured it was "part of the medical check-up".

Several things stand out in what I remember. It happened when the other kids were all on the mats sleeping. I remember looking out from a dark room and seeing them as the door was closed in front of me. The other thing I remember is the light coming through the glass panel above the doorway. This was the storage room. Something else that's unusual and could suggest that it happened more than once is that I remember another room, associated with the memory and that was the cloak/change room. Again dark, everyone's bags and jackets on the hooks but my main focus is the windows. Slim windows at the top of the wall along one side. The only light source.

The reason I mention the light source, is because that was my focus, that's what I remember visually focusing on whilst someone was examining me. I guess I didn't mention the toucjing of my private parts in my first post. I did type it but deleted it.

Thanks again for your reply Dan.

[Pot-Kettle-]

Hi Sara, thank you for your reply.

There's certainly some sort of reaction by myself to my friends responses but more from the point of view (I think), that my previous view(s) of the "incident/memory" were/are still being put on the spot and seriously questioned. There were details I missed in my first post that I did try to put in but ended up deleting.

In my opinion, my uncomfortable feelings were as a result of inappropriate touching. Although I didn't watch, I believe I focused on the light coming through the windows in the dark room to deal with the situation. I guess "inappropriate" could be as you say, an act that isn't understood by a child and may not be "abuse" per say, which is one of the reasons why I'm here I guess, trying to sort through all these thoughts going through my mind.

I appreciate your response Sara. Thank you.

[Pot-Kettle-]

Hi Starwolf, thank you for your reply.

It definitely feels odd to me. For so long I'd been telling myself that a version of the story was the be all and end all and then a moment in life throws that all out the window and makes me question what really happened! It's not something that's weighing me down 24/7 but it does come back to haunt me a couple of times a year, since I first told people about it.

I've previously seen pychologists to battle depression in the past and did bring this up with the a professional about 5 years a go bit was told that "sometimes, you just have to get over things"... Although true, hasn't really helped me. I'll assume that sexual abuse may not have been an area they specialised in.

I guess I am still searching for answers, wondering at the same time if I'm over reacting, searching for it to mean something that it really doesn't? I guess part of it is, if it has in anyway impacted on my life over the last 36 years, I guess I'd like to deal with that and progress!

I guess it's a case of sorting out the conflicting thoughts in my head and coming up with a plan!

Thanks Starwolf, appreciate your reply and encouragement.

[Starwolf]

This is obviously a shadowy area of your life that needs to be clarified. Being in limbo is not a good space. Although partial, those snippets of memories are kind of disturbing so I understand your concern. Some details don't seem to fit in with a normal medical check-up, particularly the fact that it was conducted in the dark.

I am shocked that a professional suggested you just get over it. Getting over trauma requires a lot of persistent mind work. I think you have the right idea...learning to deal with it and moving on is the way to go. The mind is an intricate maze. This is why a guide is often necessary. If a traumatic memory has been suppressed (as it often is), it will need to be brought out into the open. If it is a false one, it will also be a good thing to find out. Whichever it is, eradicating doubt is a necessary step.

It sometimes takes several attempts and a fair bit of research to find a professional you can connect and work with as a team... someone who can take your inner unrest at heart instead of being dismissive.

I hope you can soon get to the bottom of this unrest.