Advice on how to deal with the need to constantly impress/be better than others?

[ssSushiCat]

I originally posted this on a different place but someone suggested I am a narcissist which I am not, and that was the only response I got, with no actual help or answers to my questions. 

Now let me start this post with saying, I have ADHD, I am Autistic, and I have a lot of trauma from growing up undiagnosed and in an emotionally abusive and unavailable household, in fact one of my guardians (parent would be too generous of a word) was a narcissist so maybe the trait I am about to describe comes from them.

I have this problem. No matter the environment, I feel this constant need to impress other people, prove that I am capable of doing great things and more. I am well aware that this comes from the childhood trauma as I pushed really hard as a kid to achieve a lot, and also punished for struggling. I had to constantly put 120% into everything to achieve maybe 50% of what other people could/expected of me and then I was told that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was lazy.

It doesn't help that unfortunately I do have a lot of skill and I did achieve things that people find impressing. (I get praise for some of my work all the time.) And just in general I feel like they way I come across to people is someone who should be capable of a lot more than I actually am. I feel like I cannot live up to the expectation people may have of me. I feel like a disappointment waiting to happen.

Now I am uni, and I am finally studying something I am passionate about, however I am really struggling to focus on  learning instead of getting good marks. I feel this need to be at the top of the class and to impress all of my teachers and classmates.

(Also I  am pretty sure a bunch of my classmates also have adhd a autism so I really feel that the pressure to not be struggling.)

This is really interfering with my life and I had multiple meltdowns over this. Genuinely feel like i am gonna put a lot of effort into something (like my assignment) and my teacher telling that I should've tried harder. (This actually happened to me before).

(Basically putting a lot of effort into something and its still not being good enough.)

How do I deal with this?

How do I stop trying to impress everyone and just focus on myself and my studies and my goals?

How do I stop comparing myself to other people?

How do I stop trying to live up to what I think is a perceived image others have of me?

How do I not worry about wasting my energy on something that may not be good enough/approved by others in the end?

[Croix]

Dear ssSushiCat~

Ok, having read your previous posts and I can find nothing in them that would indicate you are a narcissist. A narcissist as we frequently hear about them often is an arrogant  person who seeks control over others (amongst other characteristics) and I've never heard you talking about trying to do that - so don't worry about a misplaced label.

When studying I was in the fortunate position of not needing the piece of paper at the  end but studied because I needed something to occupy me and the subjects really did interest me. As a result I probably went into them in more depth than those that were just seeking marks. I ended up doing well.

As you are studying something you are passionate about can I suggest you look at it from the point of your interest and pure learning and see what happens to your marks.

BTW as a general rule there is nothing wrong with asking a lecturer when you are doing an assignment if you are on the right track, and see if you can understand their answer. If not see if there is a study group about that unit.

Unis and lecturers really do want their students to pass.

Incidentally Indigo gave you some pretty good advice in your previos thread

.Things have been going so bad for me. What do I do?

I'm impressed you have come to see the difference between marks-chasing, trying to please others, and genuine study

Croix

[therising]

Hi ssSushiCat

It's definitely tough at times to exist in a world which is big on grading in a variety of ways. Wherever there is any form of grading, this implies there is a form of degrading or (in some cases) an obvious and painful form of degradation, which can be felt. If we have the incredible ability to be able to feel deeply and/or easily, we'll be able to feel being informed that we're not 'measuring up'. How to not feel a destructive form of degradation is a skill that comes with mastering the ability to feel. Definitely easier said than done at times. Btw, a constructive form of grading can involve achieving personal bests: 'Am I achieving less than before? Yes. Do I want to do better than the last time, evolving beyond that? Yes, the idea excites and inspires me. Do I have to employ new strategies in order to better my last time? Yes'. So, now it becomes about a personal constructive form of evolution that unlocks new skills and abilities. Another constructive form involves relying on others for motivation: 'Do I want to push myself to do better? Yes. Can the motivation come from trying to achieve more than others? Yes. I'll push myself to achieve more than others'. It's not about trying to compete with other people, it's more about finding a motivational springboard to better one's self or help us evolve in some way and that's all. Btw, I'm a gal who's in no way a fan of an egotistical form of competition. 

I'm a big believer that we can find some of the most brilliant and inspiring of people and minds on the Austism spectrum and ADHD or AuDHD spectrums. In the most ideal environments all will excel. In the most challenging of environments all may struggle or face some sense of disorder (lack of order) and the stress and upset that can come with that. Ideal could mean well structured, inspiring, imaginative, fascinating, stimulating (in the right ways), relatable, non distracting and so on. In regard to excelling, the question becomes 'Who are my guides in life who are teaching me how to achieve excellence, while taking my nature into account?'. When 95% of school teachers may not accommodate our nature, 95% of parents may not accommodate our nature, 95% of bosses may not accommodate our nature and so on, the struggles can be many and great. To be able to achieve a reasonable standard (in our own mind) without the guidance and teachings we need, there is the need to recognise 'My achievements are not only incredible or amazing, under the circumstances they are outstanding'. To be able to 100% imagine and recognise ourself as incredible, amazing and outstanding under certain circumstances does not even leave 1% of doubt. While others may insist we're only running at half capacity, we know the truth (without a doubt). Finding the truth of a matter and coming to fully believe in it and commit to it can often be one of the greatest challenges in life. Others can believe in any untruths that may serve them and this is not our fault, it points to the fault/s in someone else's belief system/s. Plenty of belief systems out there in the world with plenty of faults or flaws in them. Each fault or flaw recognised shifts us up into greater levels of consciousness.

[ssSushiCat]

Thank you for your advice! I am actually in a pretty similar position where I am studying purely because of my interest and I don't need a piece of paper (since that doesn't matter 100% in my field and I already have a degree in a slightly similar area).  This is just a first time (in my life) where I am studying 100% what I want and it was 100% my decision to go to uni again without anyone actually pushing me to do so.  I guess I find it difficult to break out some of my old habits where there was significant pressure for me to achieve. And also the mindset that my worth is somehow tied to my achievements (including good marks) and how good I am at things. I think the fact that my field is rather competitive doesn't help.

I think I need to put a reminder somewhere of the reason I am in uni: I am there to learn and not get good marks. Also you did remind me, there is actually a study support group in my uni that they organise every week (I think) to help with assignments, I will probably need to look into it. Thank you for that! 

Also thank you for reassuring I am not a narcissist, although I know I am not, still nice to hear after the reply I got. It was worded rather strangely too, like they implied that I was a narcissist focusing way to much on disabilities I "may or may not have" instead of myself???(What does that even mean???) Left a bad taste in my mouth.  Like I didn't ask for a diagnosis and even if I was a narcissist, my post was clearly asking for help and how to "better myself".  I think that person either didn't read my post properly or was probably dumping whatever issues they had onto me. It was rather annoying. (Sorry this paragraph is a bit of a rant.) 

[Croix]

Dear ssSushiCat~

I'm pleased you no longer have ot worry about that misplaced label, as you say it is hard to fathom the reasoning behind it

You made me think of a quote

"You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him to find it for himself.” - Galileo Galilei.

It is the finding out for oneself that is the important part now, no carrot or stick concerning marks, simply a desire to enrich one's mind, which is a lifelong occupation.

If you are like me you would dive down related interesting rabbit holes but still keeping an eye on what was expected -the best of both worlds.

Croix

[TrueSeeker]

Hello ssSushiCat

I can see how this is confusing for you. I think that healthy self esteem is very important. We need to find a way how to feel good about ourselves and we all have different things that can do it for us. It's not about being better person than others, it's about being good at one thing and recognising that others are good at different things. I believe that it's healthy to have a skill that we good at and be proud of it while seeing and appreciating other people's skills and cheer them on too.

In your situation it's especially important as your background is reducing your self esteem and you need to boost it more than others to get it to healthy levels. It's nothing wrong with that, you should be proud of your achievements.

“The only person you have to impress is yourself”
― Miriam Norwitz