Abuse.

[TheGypsy-Ann]

So, when I was 4 I was put into a foster home. And I was abused awfully every day until I was almost 15. I spent almost 11 years in that House, this year I turn 18 and I’m not exactly sure how to cope with the sudden change in my environment. I feel like my trauma has made me more jumpy and less trusting. I have a new family now including an adorable younger brother and an amazing mother and father. but recently this abuse has come back to haunt me in ways I could never have imagined

I’ve started acting out even to my parents and brother and I’m scared that I’m gonna do something to hurt them. I just wanna be a good daughter and sister but I feel like my trauma is corrupting me and making me a bad person.

everyone I talk to about this doesn’t seem to understand that I do genuinely fear becoming like my abusers. I’ve gone to therapy and I’ve done the medication and the treatments.

but I feel like at the end of the day it’s very much monkey See monkey do

is there anything I can do to prevent myself from going down that path?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Wow!! I'm really impressed with so much content in your post- like how well it is written to pure honesty, amazing post and I thank you for it. I simply adore people that approach their problems with this great attitude.

Many of us here not only have mental health issues but environmental issues stemming from when we were young. So its little surprise to use that which you have grown up with lingering mental scars. Not only that but your genetic makeup from birth parents would not be known so some behavioural issues could also come from that. But as we cant do anything about that I think it's wise you are realising that the abuse you received is the main culprit. That has made you form low self esteem in that you doubt yourself, this low confidence is normal for you under these circumstances eg you are not at fault. 

Two things immediately come to mind

1/ That as you have a good relationship with your parents it might be worth considering sharing these fears with them maybe including this post. Fear is the right word as you are fearful you'll mess up the life you now have as it is extremely better than what you've had. They seem wonderful.

2/  Acceptance. This is a big one. How do you ever accept what has happened to you in your childhood? Well some famous and successful people have come from poor childhoods including war and so on. The trick is to aim for the level of acceptance you would like to realistically achieve. eg it might be ok to reflect upon your childhood after you feel anger and want to physically lash out at someone so you can ask yourself why?.. then next time unclench your fist ... that would be a major step forward, a simply unclenched fist... Another time you might feel like yelling at someone, instead you walk away and walk around the block ... another major step. Result? every small step for you is a large step away from what you were raised with. Small steps deserve big self appraisal. 

The benefits of this forum is we are available for you to post 24/7/365. Just post and someone will reply usually within 24 hours or very soon. We can relate to you and dont have the gap between professionals and you but we dont replace professional treatment. You are anonymous and no obligations here.

We also have a great library just use search. Eg put in search bar- "the frog and the scorpion".  That post is about our nature, we cant change . Also "poets corner post your poems here" there are some funny posts there.

"We can dwell on our past as to how we have ended up or we can accept that our past is not changeable and use it as a launchpad to greater things. Then like I am now... you can guide another poor soul and help them find the path to a beautiful sunset...."

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Snowdrop]

What an amazing young person you are to be 18 and gone through so much, and be considering your actions and your lovely current family! These are good things about you! (And I am acknowledging and saying how sorry I am that you went through so much to get to this age.) And you appear to have a lot of inner courage.
So, a suggestion ... when you feel like acting out, go to your journal rather than acting out. Write out how you are feeling at the time. Do a drawing in a circle/oval shape (that is a container to hold big emotions) and scribble/colour in your big feelings. Then, after you have expressed how you feel, take a deep breath and on a new page, draw something that makes you feel light and calm. I don't know what that might be for you, but for this example, it could be a butterfly. Butterflies are about transformation and lightness. If you use your journal as a tool each time you feel overwhelmed or like acting out, I feel that this might help you change your responses and feelings. It is important to keep up positive and clear communication with your new family, and focus on love, compassion and understanding. And feel safe to be yourself - the best of you. Best wishes.

[white knight]

Hi thegypsyann

Wondering how you are going? While I munch on my easter eggs lol

TonyWK