The feeling of regret I left my mum alone

[Marina67]

Hello all, I just wanted to share my story and get some feedback. I migrated with my 10 years old son to Australia 23 years ago. I was busy with everything and didn't not pay enough attention that my mum was getting older. I realised that I had to do something about it too late because visa process takes so long in Australia. I was visiting my mum every year. I hired a carer for her when she became older. I spent a year with her because I felt guilty for living her alone in Russia. And she died at the age of 85 2 months ago. Horrible feeling of guilt and regret is overwhelming. I should bring my mum here to Australia instead of having good time and not thinking about her old age. Time gone so fast and I didn't not notice it. And now I don't have my mum anymore. I blame myself for living her alone and not thinking about her. I can't change anything. I don't even understand how life gone away so quickly. And I cannot change anything. It's so devastating. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Marina67,

Thank you so much for sharing here. It sounds like you are both saddened by the loss of your mother and regretful. These are natural responses to grief, especially with her passing being so recent. I also experienced the passing of my mother last year and similarly felt these emotions, especially regret for not spending enough quality time with her. You can find some great information about grief and loss here on the BB website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/grief-and-loss 

Here is a great fact sheet I would recommend reading: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/bl0390-grief-loss-and-depression-fact-sh... 

I would also recommend talking to someone whether it be a friend, family member or professional. A great resource for those experiencing grief and loss is griefline.org.au. They provide free telephone support. Don't be afraid to call them.

Please keep us updated on how you're going. As time goes on, healing will take place. The pain and experience of loss does not go away, we simply grow around it and become stronger. Eventually feelings of pain and guilt will become memories of fond/good times.

Bob

[Marina67]

Dear Bob, thank you so much for your input. I highly appreciate you took time to write the response. I will use your advice. But I believe that I could do better for her and myself but for some unknown reason I did not. I don't understand why. It's very frustrating and now I am questioning myself but can't find an answer. 

Warm regards Marina 

[Bob_22]

HI Marina67,

No worries at all. Thank you for the update. I understand what you mean when you say you are questioning yourself and feel uncertain. There is a good link on the bb website about coping with uncertainty. I recommend checking it out: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/coping-with-uncertainty 

Hope that helps.

Bob

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Marina,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums,

I am so sorry that you’re feeling some regret….I think you have done the best you could looking after your mum in another country…You hired a career for her, you put your life on hold for 12 months and you visited her every year…You still had a lot of contact with her to show and give her your love and care…I am sure your beautiful mother felt that love you have for her and were giving her, and you did it in the best way you could…

Please lovely Marina, try not to be so hard on your beautiful self…

My kindest thoughts are with you along with my care…You done your best, and I think you done it with so much love and care that your mother knew how much love you have for for..

Grandy..

[Marina67]

Dear Grandy, thank you for words of encouragement and reassurance. I know I should bring my mum to Australia but I didn't. I was busy with my life and didn't think about mum. I was ignorant. And now she is gone and I can't forgive myself for her being lonely in Moscow. She didn't have any other relatives. I am a very selfish and not a good person.