Still up in the air after four years

[newaussie]

Hi,

I’m going to turn 45 next month. I moved to Australia four years ago with my white Australian partner and my ten year old son. I saw this move as an opportunity to build a better life for my son and I, with my partner. In the last four years I have struggled with the work culture here(very different from what I was used to, which is understandable), making friends and finding my place in this country. As a middle-aged brown woman, I feel invisible at times and too visible at others. I’ve had no luck with friendships - it feels like most people are only interested in transactional relationships. In the last few months a very toxic workplace had me reaching the lowest point on my

mentsl health and I’m slowly finding my way back. But I have never felt 

more lonely! I’ve tried book clubs ( I love reading), hobbies (bushwalking) and volunteering (with a local ngo) but I’ve not made any meaningful connections. I also sense my partner has withdrawn from me and now, has his own life here, that I don’t feel very welcome to be part of. 

I’ve read some of the discussions in the forum and I think what I’m raising here is a common experience for migrants. However I feel like four years is a long time and by now I was hoping things would have got better. Sadly, they haven’t.

What am I doing wrong? What else can I try? 

[amaarle-smells]

Maybe you should plan a holiday to your home country? Not only would it be a nice experience for you and your family, you can reconnect with culture and teach both your child and partner so they can understand you better? 

Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!!
- A<3

[newaussie]

Thanks A! That is a great idea! I went back last year and it was great - I did feel physically and mentally recharged! But the trip also made me realise that I’m now neither there nor here, if that makes sense. 
Thanks for listening 

[randomxx]

Hi there  newaussie , love the name btw, good for you , even if your not really in the mood for that right now l guess.

But ldk , 1srlt though was wondering so how did you feel being at home again last trip, do you think you'd prefer it.? Must be so hard swapping countries and tbh l've read similar stories from people moving all over the world. One friend of mine had moved to Sweden , same, the Germany, same, then UK, same, and after 5-6 yrs as she hadn't met her love along the way anywhere either and so was free to do what she wanted , eventually moved back to her own country. She also found meeting a man and dating scenes wherever she went really hard too and always different. Another mate moved to Spain bc his w was Spanish been there 10 yrs he's Aussie but still can't get a straight answer out of him about what he thinks about it, he does wanna move back home though one day.

One guy here has moved over to Aus 30yrs ago or so though and often talks about things in threads like yours, He often tells people to go back home for a good stint first before making any decisions bc whenever he visits home now says the mind and memories are different to the reality and he doesn't even like visiting home anymore. Maybe you could get away a bit longer next time and stay awhile, kinda feel things out better.

One thing l never get though is bc anytime l'm in Melb or Sydney these days there are sooooo many different nationalities that you would think people could just mix with their own if they preferred and many do , Asians for example. Could that work for you better or until things started happening here or ?

Anyway , l hope things improve or you find some light in some ways or others.

all the best

rx

[Summer Rose]

Hi newaussie

I’m sorry that you find yourself struggling to make friends in Australia. I understand how you feel, as I experienced this 35 years ago when I moved here (also for love and my husband is Australian). 
I don’t think you’re “doing anything wrong”, in fact all your actions are things I would have suggested to try. It’s just really hard as an adult to make new friends.

I found that my neighbours often became my friends (over time) and that I made friends at work and with the parents of my children’s friends. If you have any time available try volunteering at your son’s school to meet other parents and when he has play dates at your house always invite the parents in for a cuppa. You can also invite your son’s friends’ families for barbecues or dinner. 
Lastly, you could also consider joining a club of people from your culture (I did this in the early years of living here). I found it really nice to talk about “home” with people who got what I was talking about and to talk with people who truly understood what I was going through. It’s a big thing to move countries and unless someone has done it, I’m not sure they can understand how hard it is.

BTW I experienced the “yo-yo” feeling when I traveled from Australia to home for about a decade. It only subsided once I felt Australia was home.

Hang in there. 
Kind thoughts to you