I just wanna go, i'm so tired of life.

Psalm125 · ‎16-11-2018

I'm 18, of Asian ethnicity, and i just graduated from high school. I finished my last exam thinking i could spend time with 'her'. But it was news to me, 'we need to talk'. From there everything went downhill, i was dumped. I haven't been able to eat properly which is extremely bad due to the eating disorder i have (i'm already borderline anorexic). I'm a coward, i say i want to kill myself but i know i won't. I'm scared of dying.

I did everything right, i made promises that i kept, i made sure she felt loved, i even reminded her how much she meant AND i pushed her out of her shell. And in a flash, she just abandons me. I don't get it. What is wrong with me? Was i not enough? "I don't want to be tied down to a relationship she says". Sure. I respect that. But how dare you have the audacity to message me fake 'i love yous' with a straight face. What did i mean to her? Was i just another pawn in her game? All the things she wanted. A future with me and 'kids'. And so i tell her, i'm gonna study hard for the exams and we won't be able to talk for a while, 'please wait for me'. And guess what she doesn't. Did i do something wrong? Someone tell me please. I put 200% into this and i get nothing back?

She's not a bad person, she's amiable but at the same time, very gullible and too needy. This was my first relationship, and it'll probably be my last one for a while. I just don't understand why she's so willing to let this all go when we made so many promises. She stole my first kiss, and now it means nothing? She led me on, and now she wants to quit it? I really don't want to generalize the female gender but are all girls like this?

I kept our photobooth films on my beside every night. I looked at them, thinking to myself, aren't i lucky to have someone that appreciates me as a person? Just peering at them made me feel loved, it's as if those two strips of paper had the ability to immediately alleviate all my stress. But now, i just want to burn them. They mean nothing and they meant nothing. She 'liked me?' That should have been sufficient to terminate the excuse of not wanting to be 'tied down in a relationship'. I don't know if i'm being selfish, but SHE entered my life, and now she just walks out, ripping my heart to shreds when it had been so heavily pampered. Someone please help me deal with this. Thinking about this saps both my strength and my appetite. I'm just about ready to leave this unforgiving society. There's not much left to live for.

geoff · ‎17-11-2018

Hello Psalm, again I'm very sorry no one has replied back to you, this will push your thread back to page 1 so someone can answer.

I've been replying to threads that have been unanswered for a long time back and hopefully will get a chance to get back to you when I get back home.

My apologies.

Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎17-11-2018

Dear Psalm125

Welcome to the forum. I am with Geoff in apologising that you have not received an answer more quickly. It doesn't happen often but we do miss posts now and then.

Our first romances are often the most painful because we put so much energy and love into the relationship. When the other person wants to leave it does feel traumatic. I know you are hurting a lot at the moment but it will stop after a while.

I am pleased you are scared to die because you have so much to live for. Taking the suicide road, no matter what the outcome is dreadful for everyone. Please stay safe. Perhaps you can develop your own safety plan. Explore the tabs at the top of the page. Under Get Support is the Beyond Now safety planning tool. Under The Facts there is heaps of information about grief and loss. Take time to read through this material and download any fact sheets you find helpful.

You gave your GF a great deal of support while you were together and I am sure she was happy with this. There are many stories of couples who met in school and have been together ever since. They are the minority however while the majority of long term partnerships start later in life when both people have worked out their own goals and ambitions.

You said, She's not a bad person, she's amiable but at the same time, very gullible and too needy. Were these the characteristics that attracted you? You have helped to blossom, so to speak, and I think this is a lovely thing to do. Now she wants to stand on her own two feet and learn to be self sufficient. I admire her strength.

And in a flash, she just abandons me. I don't get it. What is wrong with me? Was i not enough? There is nothing wrong with you and you were enough at first. When you meet someone else you will want a partner that is her own person and does not rely on you or want to be told what to do. And this will be a far happier ending.

I cannot take your pain away but I do assure you it will fade. When you meet someone else, try not to make too many plans about the future. Give yourselves time to enjoy the company of each other. When you look back at this time I think you smile at your first GF and let her slip out of your mind for good.

Mary

james1 · ‎18-11-2018

Hi Psalm125,

Welcome to the forums. I'm 26 and also of Asian ethnicity, but I was born here in Australia.

Congratulations on finishing your exams. Hopefully it will have gone well, but it is so disappointing to hear that you didn't get a chance to celebrate with your ex.

I don't want to overwhelm you too much, but I can certainly echo what Mary has said. There is so much pain at the moment and it is going to be very difficult for a while, but the pain does lessen over time. There are also so many unanswered questions it seems. My own relationship break-up also led me to near suicide and I ended up seeking psychological help, so I understand how serious it is.

I hope we can continue talking more. When you get a chance, it would be nice to hear from you about whether you have any other friends or family who can support you.

James

Psalm125 · ‎19-11-2018

Thank you James1, Mary and Geoff, it's been a struggle i'll be honest. I'm completely lost right now. I've opened up to my mum about this and my sister. They're there for me. My friends know, they're there for me. But i can't see them the same way. One of my friends is best friends with her. So looking at him sends me straight back to square one. Nothing bad is between us, in fact, i think this break up has made our friendship a bit stronger.

I'm not gonna lie, for the past few days i have woken up with a cold sweat, trying not to think about it makes me think about it. And when i do, i think about all the things we could have been and what and where i went wrong. It deeply hurts my soul. I think about how great of a person i was to her and how she was to me (initially) and how all of that changed so quickly. I don't know how. I'm fairly skinny so her words of affirmation made me feel perfect. It's just so different now. I made her my coping mechanism so it's been hard learning to love myself again. I honestly can't comprehend all the facts without feeling suicidal. It's a culmination of my feelings of regret and anger. Regret at not knowing what went wrong and anger at her for abandoning me (even though i had opened up to her about my past about being sensitive to how other girls treated me). I was wholly transparent, whereas she was not. But that didn't stop me loving her. And sadly, i still do, love her that is.

I'm getting there, i've almost reached a sense of resolve. But it's still lingering, and when i relapse it hurts so bad. I've been trying to tell myself, what has she lost and what have i lost? She lost someone that genuinely cared about her and loved her flaws. I lost someone that didn't give a damn about me. It makes me happy to think that way but regardless, it still hurts. Like i said, any thoughts that have remote association to her (even trying to forget) drags me back into sadness. I don't know what to do. Please help.

White_Rose · ‎21-11-2018

Hello Psalm

Again apologies for not writing earlier. Unfortunately I have been in hospital for two days as I fell in my garden and banged my head on a piece of wood. Alls well now but I have been off line.

I am glad you can see what's happening in your life even though it hurts so much. You are part of the way to healing because you understand what has happened. I know you do not understand the GF reasons but everything else is pretty clear.

Also pleased you have talked to your mom and sister. Family can be a great support and usually very close by. But again it's progress for you. Friends can also be good support people but I understand about the friend who is friends with the GF. You will keep being in situations when you feel all the pain as though it has just happened but gradually the intensity will become less. Intense grief, for whatever reason, does hurt. When my mom died in the UK I went to the funeral but didn't get a chance to say goodbye and I cried every night for at least six months. Being at work was the best help as I could concentrate on that but going home was so hard.

While we have different griefs they all hurt dreadfully. The reality is that we will heal as I said above. The other reality is that it takes time which can seem like eternity. I see you have been talking to yourself and saying you always did the right thing. That's good. What is helpful I find is to write down all these thoughts, perhaps in a journal. There are several good reasons to do this.

Writing is different to thinking. Because the action of writing (and I suggest you handwrite this journal) is slower than thinking you have more control over what to write and to stay on the topic. Thinking alone does lend itself to going off in all directions and keeping you hurt. When writing you tend to focus on one part of what's wrong though you may go on to write about other matters. This does bring some order to your mind and helps you decide what is it that hurts most etc.

Another benefit is after you have been writing for several months, or even one month, you can look back and see how far you have come. So don't look back every time you write. Just keep going. It is a therapeutic process and one you can manage by yourself. Many people have said this has been helpful and calming.

I know about thoughts dragging you back to the hurt. When you notice this, try to do something physical. Weeding the garden is great and mom will be happy. Keep writing.

Mary

james1 · ‎23-11-2018

Hi Psalm125,

I really feel so sad for you. It's really tough when you have these kinds of break ups.

I am not sure how much you associate with your background, but many Asian cultures have a very strong concept of balance. You see it in ying yang and yoga, and perhaps it can present a way to view the pain you currently feel.

The pain comes from a very significant connection that was established. As you say, your emotional self basically lived in this relationship and it drove your feelings on a daily basis. That connection, whether it lasts or ends, is something special. The fact that it didn't last doesn't take anything away from what you had, even if it can sometimes feel like a lie. You know it was there because it hurts a lot right now.

You said you don't know what to do - my only suggestion is to keep doing what you're doing. Talk to us, talk to your family and talk to your friends. The flip side to losing the person you used to confide in is that you can gain an even stronger support network made up of multiple people. And, yes, perhaps you can even learn to love yourself again, but first, the present is very hard to deal with and I hope we can keep talking to each other!

James

White_Rose · ‎26-11-2018

Hello Psalm

Haven't heard from you for a few days and wondered how you are going. I hope all is well with you.

I see you mention grief as lessening your resolve. Quite true. Hurt makes many things harder to do and sometimes we need to stop, take a deep breath, focus on what we need to do again and move on.

Love to hear from you soon.

Mary