functioning family vs loving family for kids

[james1]

hello,

I am not entirely sure where to post this, but i thought i'd put it here as my own lens is coloured (aha! i made a pun!) by my chinese experience. i'd like to hear what people think.

none of the below is academically researched, just bits and pieces of what i've picked up in news and uni, so please feel free to dispute what i say 🙂

the divorce rate has increased over the decades, in large part due to western values shifting away from traditional family values towards a focus on individual happiness. one difficulty which I experienced, and which many others have experienced, is that divorce is really really difficult for kids. even separation is difficult for kids.

in my own chinese family, i think there is more of a focus on a functioning family rather than a loving family. if the family unit works, the people are expected to continue it. I am not entirely sure why, but I guess it is more practical. At least the child and family unit has certainty about the future and is stable.

so i guess i'm really just putting it out there - are we doing the right thing by choosing love over what 'works'? in many cultures, people are told who to marry and are actually happier in their relationship later on. especially when you consider the effect of divorce on children, are we creating a breeding ground for mental illness by following our hearts and not our minds?

I know we can do both, but all the rhetoric is to "go with your gut", "do what your heart says".

[Elizabeth CP]

I think the goal of a functioning family is essential. A functioning family to me is one were all members feel respected supported & cared for most of the time. Families are composed of humans who are imperfect so there are going to be disagreements or times when one person acts in a less than ideal way. Sometimes we may need to compromise & put up with things we'd prefer not to but we need to remember if we changed partners we are still going to find some different imperfect bits. It is a very personal decision how much you are prefered to compromise but no one deserves to put up with ongoing abuse. A functioning family doesn't mean just hiding the abuse to keep up appearances.

When I mentioned respecting & supporting family members I believe this means allowing everyone to be the person they want to be. When my children were teenagers I encouraged my children to work hard at school & provided opportunities for them to look into different career options so they could make their own informed choice. One chose to do carpet laying after finishing school but later chose to go to university to study engineering. Another did an apprenticeship in joinery which suited him. I have 2 children who have chosen to work overseas in their chosen career. I miss them but I'm happy they are pursuing their own dreams.

[Donte]

The song that comes to mind is ‘You May find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife la la la and you may ask yourself la la la laa’

Can’t recall who sings it or the title...

[Donte]

And what I like most about your experience GW is that it comes from you - a white-Anglo Australian from a so called ‘individualist’ culture!

Love challenging mythologies and breaking down stereotypes. X

[Donte]

That’s beautifully put Elizabeth.

Was wondering what would you do if your husband came out as gay? Would you choose to keep living with him just for the children’s sake? Would you choose a sexless life? Would you perhaps allow him to sleep around with men while remaining married with you? And would you be ok to have sex out of your sexless marriage?

I only ask because this was my dilemma for fifteen years. Eventually I left her with the man of my dreams.

Nevertheless, I continued providing and raised my child full custody with my gay partner.

Interesting using it? Those damn stereotypes....

[Donte]

I’m glad you said this James!! Totally agree!

I always emphasize that Everyone in a multi (many) cultural society is part of it.

White Anglo Australians are part of the multicultural society we all live in.

This is not of course the government definition or the one you find in the dictionary however, I can’t see it any other way no matter how much I’ve tried.

But I’ve already talked a lot about this in other posts and threads. I don’t want to keep repeating myself as this will be boring.

hugs

[Donte]

Hey GW,

You just reminded me: I’m the only gay son in the family and the only one who has procteated and has given my parents the one and only single grandchild! How funny!

My heterosexual brother is married for more than a decade but unable to have children. So it seems my daughter will be the only heir ( and from a gay father! Hahahaaa oh the irony hah?)

[GoodWitch]

It's Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads, that song you're thinking of Donte

now it's stuck in my head 😄

[Donte]

I agree wholeheartedly with GW statement too pepper! Very beautifully said.

That is why I, together with the majority of Australia’s population voted ‘yes’ for equality and same-sex marriage against the Greek Orthodox church’s convictions and warnings and against the majority of the collectivists cultures notions, traditions and beliefs.

Such exciting times we live in! Makes me feel optimistic for the future of our children and the upcoming societies after we are gone. 🙂

[GoodWitch]

Oh that is ironic! Goes to show you never know who people will turn out to be.

[Donte]

Hahaa yes!

And the stereotypes hah? No one is saying boo now!

Makes me very proud! X