Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[startingnew]

Hi Dragonflies


I suffer from complex PTSD, depression. Anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
I have been hospitalised a few times more than once. My gp helps by medication monitoring, health concerns and if im really struggling mentall shes there to give a bit of adice or at least let me rant it out.


Medications wont work on their own but we have already covered that, im glad its working abit more for you.


After a week or so the sugar craving will die down as your body adjusts the the new diet. But old habits are hard to break. Sugar is ok but in small amounts.


How is the group chat going? Have you made any progress with anything?


Horses I dont really see that much, family I hardly associate with. Too complicated to explain.


Sure ill see if I can find one of my saved poems.






Hi Padfoot its nice to meet you and welcome to BB.


Hi Lulu yes SN is fine and most call me that 🙂


your horses sound really cute. Im glad you still have a lot of interest in them, unfortunatly after too many accidents one where I thought id broke my neck, the excitement dies down for my own safety . And it had just become another chore. You can thank my family for that and their super dooper high expectations.


Those are good fields, are you interested in going to uni after yr 12? nows the time to think about it even if you defer for a yr.


I have had cancer myself, im clear of it now since a few weeks but ive had it nonetheless.

So with hospital my first one was because I was a danger to myself and it has saved me from that. The other times have been repite for a night or a few nights as where I am its really only short stays avalaible. Yes there is more support but it is also a safe environment where I am safe and im monitored 24/7 and I mean that the only place there isnt a camera is in the room but you can be seen from the nurses desk and they come around every half hour or so and in the bathrooms but they also come and knock on the door every now and then too.

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

Thank you for posting, it does make me feel less alone so thank you. Please don't feel like you are intruding on a private conversation. Anyone is welcome to read and join in. I'm glad you did.

It's good to hear you have a friend to talk to. I know how it feels to feel misunderstood. Like no one in the world will every really understand what you're going through or get it. They can only try - which is a good thing. It's hard to not isolate yourself when we feel as we do. I don't want to be around anyone or involved in much at all.

Yeah I just don't like fake chat and how people say things they think is acceptable and what other people want to hear. Its hard to find someone who can really delve into interesting topics rather than just scratching the surface.

I feel out of place too.

Awesome, lucky you having so many to hang out with. Ahhhh I LOVE my dog. She's curled up next to me in bed right now snoring she's the best. Her name is Pepa she's a lagotto - may have not heard of them not many people have!

I am glad that you have started recovery. Even reaching out here is a big step (thats how I felt). I would enjoy chatting with you very much.

Same I feel nothing and do nothing too. I don't feel I have a purpose or passion. Having a horse would be awesome.

I wish you good luck for your last exam, I know how stressful they are. That's okay. It's better to make the most of your education and if that means splitting in then it'll be worth it. I would be nervous about that too. In time and once you start it will only begin to feel more comfortable. There will be caring and accepting people, maybe you could even try make some new friends? What subject do you do? Do you enjoy studying/learning?

I do that too, because I'd rather feel sad and horrible than nothingness. I'm rather self destructive too. Like eating when I know it's going to make me feel worse, or not saying yes to a walk with dad even though it would probably be a good idea etc.

I love lists too. Hard part is ticking it off haha. Same though no point in being hard on yourself, the fact that we wrote the list was good in the first place...

What do you enjoy? What can make you feel happy?

[LuLu_]

Hi dragonflies

i keep thinking dragonflies is a group of friends in this forum, like we are all dragonflies. My imagination is wild.

I go to a really small school so I know almost everyone. There are some really lovely girls in the year below. It’s just sad my friends are all leaving and going into new things. It just feels weird being in a group I have never been involved in.

this year I will complete English advanced and visual arts. Next year I am doing chemistry, mathematics and modern history.

I like learning and I like studying when I feel I can do well and get the answers and understand how everything works. I lose motivation when i am behind and am confused, or when i am really low and am not functioning.

i enjoy competing on my horse. I also like just being with him. He’s very funny and quite unique. My doggies make me happy. Puppies especially. I also enjoy watching movies. Good movies the type of movie that you watch over and over again and they never get old. My favourite movie is finding nemo. Gosh I love dory so much. She kind of shows us that you don’t have to be perfect to be adored.

I am a person who likes to go really deep while talking about meaningful things. I feel like i am always searching for a meaningful connection with people. I find small talk a bit fake. When someone says how are you? They don’t want you to tell them you are actually feeling really horrible because they don’t know what to do. It’s understandable but it makes me feel even more alone because I have to act a certain way in order to follow social norms. You aren’t any fun when you are feeling empty and lost even if that’s how you want to feel.

How are you feeling? Have you had any small victories you would like to share?

Lulu

[Padfoot02]

Hey Dragon, (calling you that cause it’s shorter)

My favourite subjects at school are Math (Somehow I’m in the top math class for my year), Science, IST (Information Software and Technology) and music. I chose IST as one of my elective subjects (the other is timber) but I decided to do music and Big History(the scientific history of everything) next year, just for a bit of change. In a lot of subjects this term we are watching movies. In History we just finished watching “Gallipoli”, I really didn’t see that ending coming.

I just finished trick or treating 20 minutes ago(I wrote this at 8:20), I dressed up as Ash Ketchum, the last house we went to one of my sisters friends used me as a shield (we were taking them along).

Do you celebrate Halloween? What were your favourite subjects at school?

Thanks for the reply.

P.S you can call me Padfoot.

[LuLu_]

Horse riding is wonderful but I am sorry you had some bad experiences and accidents. Riding is really the only thing keeping me afloat. Without it I don’t know where I’d be. I suppose it’s the connection and that I don’t have to speak to him for him to understand. It’s the constant want to be around me which is what I value most. No judgement just company.

Yes I am interested in going to uni. Perhaps in a couple of years when I am in a better frame of mind.

I saw my dad go through that horrible disease and saw how it effected him. I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy. I am sorry you had to go through that. It’s life changing. But you have come over the other side and I think it takes a very strong individual to survive such a horrendous illness. I can’t imagine how that must have changed your life. If you don’t mind me asking how did that experience change your life? Are you proud of yourself for getting through? I am proud of you.

I have thought of going into hospital but then I realise how much worse others are and how they need that extra care more than me. It’s just hard feeling so alone that you want to hide away from everyone. And when you hide away the dark thoughts creep in and you don’t know who is talking your depression or your true self.

how are you feeling currently?

Lulu

[dragonflies]

Hey Padfoot,

Wowee! Impressive. I loved maths too, unfortunately didn't attempt those top classes. Science was my favourite too, I was right into Human Biology and Psychology. Topped geography though I really didn't enjoy it. English was my downfall, couldn't write an essay to save myself haha. Can't say I've watched Gallipoli!

Lucky you with lots of candy. I just sat out the front of my house with a bowl of chocolates and had probably 10 kids come by ... sad. Next suburb over is sort of where all the kids go as the neighbourhood puts more effort into it. Shame.

Do you have any other siblings? I have an older brother who has moved out now and a younger sister finishing up at school.

dragonflies

[dragonflies]

Hey sn,

You've got a lot going on. I'm sorry to hear you have to suffer from those illness' you'd be a tough one for sure. You are brave and I am impressed that you are out there talking to people/including us online and are taking the time and effort to slowly get better and manage yourself. Sounds like you've got yourself a good gp.

Very hard to break I tell you. I miss hot chocolates so much it hurts. Still going strong though. Made some paleo chocolate brownie things with chocolate mousse on top (if you can call it that, mainly made with avocado haha) They're not too bad. Looks like chocolate so its pulling me through.

Can't wait to hear one!

[LuLu_]

Hi padfoot

i love the name. I am a Harry Potter fan as well. My favourite character is hermione. I wish I could be more like her. Who are your favourite characters?

I watched Gallipoli with my entire year. The ending was a huge shock for me and everyone else. Such a powerful movie.

Wow you have such a variety of subjects. It sounds like you had a great time this Halloween. Sounds like fun.

You don’t have to answer but what brings you to beyond blue?

I wish I was as good as you at maths. Maths is not my best subject I find t quite difficult.

Lulu

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu

I don't know why I chose dragonflies, I suppose I just really like the word.

Yeah I can imagine that would be sad. All the more reason to stay in touch, hearing about their new experiences and what you've got to look forward to. It will feel weird no doubt. But like most things, the first time we do something new its daunting and each time it'll get easier and feel more normal. It'll just take time.

I agree with that. Making sure you're understanding whats going on along the way rather than letting it get out of hand is important (though know its also possible to catch up even when it feels overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time) It's good to have something to focus on, some purpose and some sort of goal.

I took my dads gf's kids to see finding dory and I couldn't believe how good it was. I felt like we all just went to the movies together rather than me taking them. I loved it!

Me too, its hard to find that connection but when you do its so good. It has been a while since I have been able to do that. Another reason why I don't like to be around people is I'm not fun - who would want to hang around someone who feels sad and empty and just brings you down. What good can come from that? I don't want to annoy anyone or burden anyone, or have anyone treat me different. I just avoid the entire situation.

I'm feeling ok today, but low and unmotivated. Stayed in most of the day. I wish I did have a small victory but I don't think I had one today. Was going to do the washing but never ended up doing it. Cancelled on going down to the beach. Was just one of those days. Shame too because it was a really nice day. About to cook up some boring healthy dinner. How are you? Any victories for you?

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Perhaps your victory could be that you are still posting, still reaching out for support and contemplating your life.

My victory might be that I went to school even though I didn’t want to and due to exams it’s not compulsory . I didn’t do any work and I feel guilty for wasting my time but I still went and gave it a little go.

also you are persevering with the healthy diet I think that’s bigger than a small victory. My food habits are not great so I can imagine how difficult it is trying to be healthy.

I like dragonflies. There is something care free about them. Something free about them.

Lulu