What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[james1]

Hey Night,

I hope you can forgive me for being blunt, but it really sounds like you're struggling a lot with yourself and putting yourself through a lot of this pain. That's not to say your thoughts about people are wrong - I always found people in high school incredibly immature, and possibly made worse by the fact we were an all boys school - but I think all we can do is make the most of the hand we're dealt.

I'm not asking you why you're not friends with people in your year. It makes enough sense to me, and who you want to be friends with, frankly, isn't my business. But I am curious as to why you feel like I would ask. It feels like a pre-emptive defense mechanism which suggests that you're expecting a lot of hurt to come, even from us or maybe just people in general.

I could be completely off the mark, but either way, I just wanted to reassure you that you're among friends here. One of the things I've tried to do is let go of what others think of me and importantly let go of what I think others think of me. It's hard work and I always fall back into my habits, but the endless ruminating is so hurtful to myself.

Anyway - do you think you'll get Battlefield 1? It looks pretty fun and seems right up your alley in terms of FPS. Did you play any of the CoDs?

James

[Night]

Hi James,

Thanks for your analysis and opinion on my post from yesterday- I really wasn't in a good place.

Today wasn't bad at all. A few of my classes were swapped due to time tabling errors, so I now have a great teacher in science. I also have an amazing English teacher and geography teacher. (These are the only classes I had today due to assemblies for most of it).

Like you mentioned, I suppose it is a defensive mechanism, so ingrained out of habit due to usually experienci pain. It is nothing against anyone here, merely a habit as I am so used to a harsh and judgmental response to anything I say or do.

While it is logical to not worry about what others think of me, I can't for some reason. I am so scared of standing out or being wrong in something that I can't handle it. It's like a fear of heights (something I also have). While it is irrational to fear heights (when experienced safely), something inside some people just takes over.

As as far as Battlefield vs Cod, I have to say I'm with Cod. It was my first FPS game that I started playing near the end of MW3's life cycle. I have loved it ever since and now own every game since Cod4 (I have to say I am looking forward to the remaster). While I don't play it much anymore, I still love the zombies and play the multiplayer every now and again. I also don't play it that much anymore because I only have them on console, and after picking up PC, it is so hard to use a controller. I think EA (pretty sure they're the developers of Battlefield) has nailed the setting and theme with BF1, though when I played the open beta, I just couldn't get used to the projectiles, as I am so used to hitscan. I have preordered the new Cod game for PC.

Thanks again,

-Night

[Starwolf]

Hi Night,

Thanks for sharing the great news re your return to school. Teachers we can connect and work with make a huge impact on our response to the subject they teach. Good to know you have such teachers.

I get what you have to say about being reactive to other people and expecting to be hurt. This is what usually happens when we have suffered negative judgment from an early age. Our mind is the conditioned response to past experience. When those around us keep telling us that we are inadequate, hopeless etc..it warps our self-image. Self-image dictates most of our actions and reactions. We often act to protect a fragile self-image and overcome the sense of inadequacy. Brain patterns shape our emotional responses. Shifting the mind out of this established pattern doesn't come easy.

Please forgive the psychological blurb but sometimes, viewing what is happening to us from a mechanical point of view helps take it less personally. What we are up against is no conscious choice but the result of brain activity. You are right, that's what takes over. Now the good news... if we can unconsciously create our reality - with work, time, persistence and patience with ourselves- we can also consciously reconfigure it.

I hope today is another good one for you.

[james1]

Hey Night,

Thank you for the thank you! Your appreciation is very welcome 🙂

I'm glad you've got good teachers for science, English and geo. Do you have maths today? Let us know how your teacher is for that. I didn't find a good maths teacher as useful as a good English teacher, but it's still nice to have someone who can explain things well.

Yeah, I totally get you on these habitual thoughts and feelings that are hard to break. But just like any fear, even phobias, the way to get over them is to find your coping mechanism and face them head on. I also hated being the centre of attention. I still do. It freaks me out. But I can cope with it better than I used to and I did this by training myself. I'd go out of the house completely barefoot. People would look and I'd just tell myself, "They've not seen this before. Their loss. It's fun." My coping mechanism was that thought, my music, and the knowledge that I had thongs stashed in my backpack. I also started joking about how I'd wear a squirrel onesie around, and maybe one day I'll trick myself to actually do it. Sometimes I even just sit on the curb in my full work suit and everything. Small steps, but it helps with our fear.

And for you, I think it's good to start small now. I'd suggest to you - let yourself stand out a bit and be judged. Arm yourself with the thought that their judgement doesn't matter. Not even that your judgement matters, simply that theirs doesn't. You've said that there are bad people out there - let them be bad. But face people's judgement and see that it will happen, inevitably, but then they will leave or you will leave and they will forget about you, and hopefully you will forget about them too.

Battlefield doesn't use hitscan? I had no idea. Is the delay significant? If they're projectiles, does that mean you need a pretty significant lead at range? How frustrating and just not fun, haha. Ah I started at the COD 1 stage 😉 I'd stopped the COD series after the World War eras. I just preferred those to modern for some reason. Oh I really don't like FPS on a PC! Which is why I prefer the XBox because you can attach the controller to your PC and play like that. It's amazing, haha.

James

[Night]

Well I'm back again. I tried to go solo for a while, but yet again, I failed. Initially I stopped posting because I scared myself. I really thoroughly frightened myself. I'd say I was minutes away from attempting suicide but I'd be lying. I was seconds away from trying to end it all. To be honest I still wish I had, but for some stupid reason I didn't.

I'm sorry it took so long to respond, and I'd like to say I'll post here again frequently, but I don't want to promise something I might not be able to follow through on.

I understand what you are saying regarding the 'psychological blurb'. It makes sense and, like you say, it would likely take effort to retrain these thoughts.

The other day in Biblical Studies, our teacher asked us "What do you want most". If we could have anything, what would we want. My immediate thought was "I want to die". After thinking this, I couldn't help but argue for and against the thought in my head. Not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it just surprised me that that was (and is) what I want most.

Sorry again for the delay.

-Night

[Night]

Hi James.

I'm sorry for the delay between my last post and this one. I talked about why in my response to Starwolf.

Sjnce my last post a few weeks ago I've had all my classes a few times and I like all of my teachers except my careers teacher. He is the kind of teacher I hate. If he doesn't like you or think you have done something wrong, he humiliates you in front of the class. While I will try to keep a low profile, I doubt I can go through the class without getting called out for something.

While I see the logic in facing fears, I find public embarrassment/ being the centre of attention so overwhelming and distressing that I don't know how to cope. I wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. While I can logically point out that their thoughts don't matter, in the heat of the moment, logic doesn't matter.

I'm pretty sure that battlefield uses projectile, but it might have just been the sniper I was using. You need to zero your shot, lead it and all sorts. While I prefer the older cods, I don't mind the newer ones. Speaking of which, the new one comes out on Friday with Cod4 remastered. From what I've seen it looks really good. While I used to prefer console, I can't help but be amazed at the possible precision with a keyboard and mouse- also I have more friends that play on PC than console.

You wouldn't happen to watch the Walking Dead would you? If so, what did you think of the season 7 premiere? I think it will have an effect for seasons to come.

Sorry again for the delay.

-Night

[Kazzl]

I'm glad to see you back Night, I've been wondering how you're going.

Abour the teacher you hate - if he has to humiliate students then he's not a good teacher. So don't take anything he says about you to heart. He must have a very deep insecurity to do that. Good teachers inspire, bad teachers belittle in my opinion - it's the same for bosses in the workplace.

Cheers mate

Kaz

[james1]

Hey Night,

I'm sorry to hear about what's been happening but it's nice to see you here again. I do enjoy talking to you.

You talked about wanting to die. I had these thoughts as well and my psychologist asked me to think about what I really wanted. Do I want to die, or do I want the pain to stop? For me, it was the latter. Dying just happened to be one way of getting to what I really wanted, and so I tricked myself into thinking I wanted it. I realise I'm trivialising it a bit, but if someone could give you a painkiller that lasted forever, would you take it and become a video games developer or whatever it is you'd choose to do, or would you still choose death? Just a thought.

How ironic that it's your careers teacher who does that...Kaz is right. Some people do that to cope with their own insecurities. And yeah, I know what you mean by logic not really mattering at the point in time. I was arguing with a friend of mine yesterday because he kept trying to tell me that if I just thought about my issues logically I could fix them. All I could say was that I know what my problems are logically and I know my thoughts are irrational, but that he was trying to give me a long term fix when I needed a short term one. And the short term thoughts are irrational. So what I'm trying to say is I get it. And I don't really have answers except to say you might be doing all you can do, and that's all anyone can ask of you. We're here to listen and talk if you want.

Ah is it possible to play on PC against XBox players? I remember Microsoft was trying to do that at one point since the XBox is basically a PC anyway, haha. I always just turned the sensitivity on my controller super high for Halo. It made general shooting a lot more fun, but sniping was a little tricky because I'm quite fidgety. Have you bought anything recently? Have you played the not-so-new-anymore star wars battlefront?

Ah I'm slowly making my way through S6 so no spoilers! hahaha. I love a good zombie movie/series. I even managed to like the zombie rom com Warm Bodies, lol. Have you seen that?

James

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Sorry about the delay on this one- turns out when I posted my reply it didn't submit for some reason. The same happened with my response to James.

It's a shame that someone in a position of power and authority behaves this way. Fortunately I only have to see him for one hour a fortnight. I think he believes he is having a light hearted joke and that no one cares.

Thanks,

-Night

[Night]

Hi James,

Like I mentioned in my response to Kaz, I tried to post this a little while ago, but something didn't work.

With regards to death, if it is a way to achieve painlessness, then why is it a bad choice? If no other solutions are apparent, why not take the one that is?

It's ashame your friend couldn't understand the nature of problems. I know first hand how logic just doesn't apply.

Sadly it it isn't possible to play cross-platform yet. The few main reasons are balance and exclusivity. If a PC player were versing a console player, the PC player would have a huge advantage. Also, some companies release dlc early on some platforms.

As far as shooters go, on console, the higher the sensitivity the better. Due to the nature of thumbsticks, you have a set turning speed. On PC in the other hand, a low sensitivity is good as it allows for more accuracy, though you can still turn quickly- just flick your mouse faster.

I managed to find a copy of GH3 a few weeks ago on the PS3. It's just as good as I remember, only easier. I'm hoping to 100% every song in the game. My record on Through the fire and the flames is about 90%. I also picked up Call of Duty Infinite Warfare last week. This has been incredibly disappointing however, as whenever the game loads the main menu, it freezes without fail. I have spent hours trouble shooting and believe it is one of two things. The first is a bad port/ optimisation of the game. As it was designed for console and ported, the developers are typically lazy in this stage. The second is my CPU. It barely meets the minimum specs and, due to its dual core nature, is pretty slow. Between now and Christmas, I am upgrading to an i5 4460 🙂

Modern Warfare Remastered works though, and it's loads of fun.

I guess I've rambled a bit so I'll stop there.

Thanks again,

-Night