What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[blondguy]

Hello Night

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting too!

You havent rambled in any way. You actually have great strength by posting.

You mentioned that you have some family issues that may be having a detrimental effect on your health. If you are comfortable letting us know whats happening at home we may get a better idea of what you are going through.

I dont blame you for researching mental health on the internet but it can sometimes make our situation seem worse than what it is. Dr Google is fine with a basic health enquiry but as depression is such a broad illness you might be self diagnosing using information which is inaccurate.

I can see that you are in a dark place right now and the first step towards healing yourself is seeing your GP. They have better training on depression compared to when I had it years ago. You will find relief by doing so Night 🙂

It is good to to speak to friends about our health and good on you for trying. People having little knowledge about suicide or depression usually are stuck for what to say through ignorance. You had the courage to try though and good on you.

Seeing a school counselor or a GP would be a great start. You will feel better.

If you get stuck BB also have qualified counselors that are really kind and non judgemental too 1300 22 4636

There are also many super kind here on the forums if you want to have a chat or vent too as well 🙂

I hope you can stick around Night. Please let us know your thoughts if you wish

My kindest thoughts

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hello Night, a warm welcome to you.

I know this has been difficult for you so thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. You have come to the right place.

I agree with Paul...mental illness is too complex to be investigated via Google. I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and check the "Facts" section. You will also find there a depression/anxiety checklist, accurate and useful guidelines.

Mental conditions are difficult to understand and come to terms with for sufferers, even more so for those looking in from the outside. It doesn't mean they don't care, they're just out of their depth so end up saying/doing unhelpful things, withdrawing or shrugging it off. They're an illness, just like diabetes, high blood pressure etc...and require the same professional attention. They're not caused by you or due to some flaw of character. With the right help and support, they can be managed.

Your safety is a priority so please take good care of yourself. If thoughts of self-harm become overwhelming, please do not hesitate to call the helpline. It is there to help those in need over a rough patch. Whoever answers the call will know exactly what you are talking about and how you feel about it. Sometimes, we all need to let steam off and have a chat with someone who understands.

I feel your apprehension re your school assignments. You are articulate and intelligent, you may have no problem at all. However, it is no big drama if you cannot cope on those days. Your health and well being are more important right now. Perhaps time has come to focus on that. Studies can always be interrupted and resumed later, when you feel more up to it. My daughter ended up with acquired brain injury, had to quit at the end of year 11 and became a mature age student a few years later to finish off where she left. An option to consider should the need arise.

A visit to a GP would be a wise first step. You could then be referred to someone who can help regain control and peace of mind. Your parents should be informed at some stage as this is more easily done if you have family support. Written info can be ordered free of charge from BB (see the end of Get Support at the bottom of this page. Information is better accepted/taken seriously if it comes from a professional outsider.

Meanwhile, these forums are a safe place to vent and connect with others in similar situations. Great to have you on board.

[Night]

Thank you so much Paul.

The family issue I am talking about is a rather long story, so I may accidentally miss some details or get things in the wrong order. I also may have been mis-informed about some.

A little over a year ago, my Granddad (an alcoholic who suffers with depression) grew frustrated with his wife for limiting his drinking. He attempted suicide, but failed. She made him sign documents whilst he was still in hospital under medication, freezing his bank account for 'his own protection'. Once he recovered, he began living with my family and I. I didn't mind this, though he had never really been present in my life. One thing that none of us knew was how annoying he is to live with. Constantly grumbling and groaning at things, getting annoyed at us for not doing something, while he sits on the couch watching seemingly the same news headlines all day every day. Whilst I could rant about the many reasons he is frustrating, I won't. He and my younger sister didn't get along. They would constantly be rude to one another or ignore each other or more. Though I didn't like him being here, I didn't express it. I acted happy to see him when I got home from school and listened when he told the same story for the 50th time. Months passed and his money still hadn't been unfrozen. My granddad's ex-wife (they are now divorced) was constantly delaying. One time she decided to go on a no notice, 6 week cruise. Even over this time, I still put on an act just so that my granddad has a friend. If I didn't, I would likely send him over the edge and make him commit suicide again (maybe the 6th attempt while he is living with us? I've lost count). Despite this, my parents treat my sister like she's the queen and me like trash. I could go on, but I am running out of characters.

Whilst this is likely a large contributing factor to my mental state, I believe there are others. Bullied at school for as long as I can remember. The only friend I thought I had (the one I helped through his depression) has grown more and more distant. When we used to Skype daily- playing online video games, he is now rare to catch once a month. The friends I tried to reach out to have basically disappeared to. Whilst they are happy to add me to group chats etc, the contents of the chat are inside jokes that no one will explain. I feel isolated even there.

Thank you again so much. In the one post you have sent me, you are already one of the kindest person I know.

[Night]

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you so much for your post, it means a lot to me.

Whilst I appreciate your concern for my safety, sadly self harm has become a daily habit. Though it is one I am trying to break, I am having little success.

In regards to my upcoming assignments, it is not the understanding of the content etc that is worrying. Many people at school are awed by my ability to achieve high marks in most subjects without studying. While learning has come easy to me, socialising has not. I believe I could write an essay or a report on the topic and achieve a good result, it is the speech part that is frightening. It has almost become a joke how quickly my face turns bright red when I am embarrassed or nervous, which happens pretty regularly.

I feel that if I were to try to talk to someone, either my parents or a GP, I wouldn't know what to say, or wouldn't be able to say it.

Whilst I have grown to enjoy solitude, I can see a need for socialising. I just haven't found people I am comfortable around.

Thanks again.

[Starwolf]

Hey Night,

Thank you for shedding more light on your personal story. No wonder you are feeling stressed...My heart goes out to you.

Nothing like bullying to pull the carpet from under the feet and make self esteem and confidence take a nose dive. It is a shame you are misunderstood and-I feel- underestimated. Your attitude towards your grandfather shows you are caring and compassionate. It should never be a young person's role and responsibility to look after an adult. I think you're a legend...

I understand that talking with people is an issue but you express yourself very well in writing. Why not use this ability to write about your feelings in letter form, to be handed over to family members ? Many others, equally reluctant to talk to family, a GP or counselor have found this a much easier option. A letter can be edited as many times as necessary, it can be read and re-read at leisure. No dreaded face to face confrontation so no emotional outbursts.. Putting thoughts in writing also helps clarify them to yourself. I hope you will give this alternative a thought as I would really like you to find help and support. You deserve so much better than more of the same...You are already reaching out and opening up in these forums already, a courageous and wise decision. No need to struggle alone when assistance is available. You could just copy your posts and hand them over to a GP...and your parents.

Please extend to yourself the care and compassion you so readily offer to those around you.

My thoughts are with you.

[Night]

Hi Starwolf.

Thanks again for your kind words- possibly the kindest anyone has ever been to me.

I appreciate your suggestion of writing to parents or a GP etc, but the fact of the matter is, I would always have to talk to them at some stage. I will always remember a quote an old friend told me. 'Someone can only be helped as much as they are willing to be'. I wish I could explain why I feel this way, but everything bad that happens to me just seems normal at this stage, so it is hard to pick out specifics. The bullying I mentioned is not the physical kind typically associated with bullying, but the demeaning verbal form. I so badly wish I could come home from a day with bruises and black eyes. At least then I someone would notice the effect someone's actions had. Or better yet I could put up a fight. But alas I am stuck going to bed at night and waking up the next day in a constant nightmare.

A group of 'friends' and I are going to the movies tomorrow night. I am more or less being forced to by my parents because they want me to get out of the house. This kind of thing happens every now and again. It's always the case where they talk amongst themselves and enjoy themselves, while I'm there seemingly for no reason, alone and isolated as always.

I'm so tired of my life, but too scared to seek change. I wish my life would improve, but I know it won't change. I wish my life would end but I know I'd manage to mess even that up.

[Night]

Sorry- One thing I think I forgot.

I also don't want my parents to know how I'm feeling because I know that if they did they'd think that it's because my granddad is here, so kicking him out would fix the problem. Doing that would then likely result in his suicide or attempted suicide, which would then be my fault- another thing I wouldn't be able to handle.

It just seems like I have to act strong enough to hold up the weak around me, with no regard for myself. Then again, I guess I'm used to it.

[Starwolf]

First of all, your grandfather may be emotionally fragile, but he is an adult. Sure, you are doing a great, selfless job of supporting him but ultimately, you cannot be made responsible for his choices or actions. The quote you cited can also apply to you and him. Your well being is your priority. It is what will enable you to keep going and caring for those around you.

Not being able to talk to your parents is one thing. But I still think you should write down your thoughts and concerns and hand them over the reception desk at your chosen medical clinic. This would be passed on to a GP who would read it before seeing you. If you are over 16, your parents don't need to know. I know it takes courage but there's nothing to lose and everything to be gained. The effort will be well worthwhile in the long run. GPs understand both physical and mental conditions. Judgment doesn't come into it. It would be like blaming someone for having diabetes...It's not going to happen. You would be safe and in good hands.

I agree with you that emotional bullying can be worse than its physical equivalent. It is more insidious. Its wounds and scars are on the inside. I grew up with it, though both kinds were part of my daily life. Add sexual abuse to the equation too. I know the damage done and what it takes to repair it. As mentioned before, it can be done but struggling alone is no solution. It is also unnecessary.

Your life can improve but a few decisions must be made that no one else can make for you. You deserve TLC and if no one around you can deliver, then it is up to you. You owe it to yourself. It would be a shame if this big heart of yours was allowed to remain broken and go to waste.

I know you are much stronger than you think. Bullying, particularly during childhood, erodes self confidence and self esteem. These can be restored, one baby step after the other. Slow and steady does it. Tiny achievements accumulate over time into major victories. There's no valid reason to let those who hurt you win.

I hope you enjoy the movie tomorrow and also the company. A bit of light entertainment never goes astray.

Here for you.

[topsy_]

Hello Night,

You have received some excellent advice above.

Like you I did well at school but I could not give oral presentations. Same problem as you - a scorchingly red face & it was like my brain just froze. It couldn't - wouldn't - think.

I'm if you could present your oral assignments in a slightly different way by using technology? I'm thinking of PowerPoint which you could have prepared & ready to go ahead of time. You probably can think of lots of different ways/methods.

Once I entered a talent quest as a single singer. My coach told me that when I reached my stool on the stage to move it. Even if it was in exactly the right position, move it anyway. He said it would distract myself from my nervousness.

Also my daughter who was experiencing social anxiety was told to always take a bottle of water with her - as a comfort prop. I'm sure you'll be able to think up something along the same lines that will work for you.

I wish you well Night. Cheers, Lyn.