Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Carer07]

Hi Tams20,
I know I haven’t been previously been involved in this thread prior to now however I noticed how long it had been since you posted, and what you had expressed. How are you doing now?
All the best

[Tams20]

Hi Carer07,

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't logged on for quite a while! Thanks for checking in on me, am feeling a lot better now. Have been up and down, but I've worked my way through things and filled the space left by her in my life. Am feeling pretty good about everything really! I haven't made any contact with her since before Easter... which was a fairly innocent message from me to check in with her, sent in a moment of weakness that she didn't respond to (as expected). Since then no contact at all, no social media, nothing.

I do occasionally hear about her from a mutual friend (who is my long term friend - 16 years vs their 3 years - they met through me and they are still good friends... FML) and this is hard at times. I guess I need to learn to deal with it, as she seems to be actively maintaining the friendship with my friend, even though cutting me out should mean cutting her out too. A cynical part of me thinks she is keeping my friend close to get back at me, this is the friend that she confided in and lied to about me, she tried to drive a wedge between us then and I think it is continuing now. Or perhaps it is just a useful bi-product of their friendship. She's manipulative enough to do this.

One day I hope I just won't care, about her, about what happened. That I will feel nothing for her and not be bothered hearing her name because she will mean nothing to me. Some days I'm almost there, others are a struggle. I'm sure this isn't a healthy attitude, but after the prolonged mistreatment from her (whether deliberate or not) I think I just need to cut her out of my mind emotionally. I don't think there's any point retaining any interest in her life ... one day I might be able to forgive her but at the moment I'm struggling to forgive myself. One thing at a time. And I'm sure she feels the same about me. It's regrettable and it's over, thankfully our families weren't hurt in the process of us getting caught up in a futile and toxic relationship. Nearly 3 years of my life that I'll never get back!

Sorry for my ramblings, it has been a disaster from start to finish. Thinking back it's hard to believe that we were in love with each other, all evidence seems to point towards the opposite. The awful push/pull cycle, the manipulation, frustration, confusion. But I suppose without the complication partners and kids and commitments things might have worked out well for us. We will never know!

Now that I've gotten all of that out - how are you?

[Carer07]

Hi Tams20,

It's great to hear that you've been feeling better. Go you!

It can be hard to move on, this can be even harder when you have mutual friends. Perhaps you could speak to this mutual friend about keeping 'thou shall not be named' out of conversations until you are at a point that you are comfortable (or at least more tolerable) of hearing her name without the strong emotions pulling you in all directions? This could lend you some respite.. I had to do this myself when I remained close friends with my ex's sibling(s) explaining even just being inside the family home when the ex was not there was not good for my mental health.

Sometimes, it isn't about forgiving the person who has hurt us, but recognising and giving yourself permission to not continue to stay in a place or situation that is harmful to you. You have the right to continue living your extraordinary life without being abused or mistreated, and to take the steps forward (or somedays it might be a step to the side or a little shuffle backwards) to experience joy and fulfilment.

You're not alone in that adventure 🙂

***

I, myself, am doing okay. A bit on the down or sideway at the moment but just trying to hold compassion for myself and slow things down to give myself time to stand up straighter. I am finding reading my books on embracing imperfection, self-compassion, etc. to be helpful in keeping myself at least on track of continuing to recognise what I am feeling and where I'm at in the process of getting up on top again. Fatigue is what's getting in the way at the moment I think, when I'm tired it is harder to stop myself from throwing in the towel and saying "Nope! I am not going to do anything but wallow in my sad pants for the rest of eternity" rather than doing the little things that I know will help me feel better.

What can you do though? Just keep doing the little things that help build your resilience, and give yourself permission to be vulnerable to talk to people about it so it doesn't fester inside.

On a side note, I enjoyed the rain and cold weather today. What brought you a feeling of joy or calm today? 🙂

Over and out.