This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

quirkywords

Asdff, velvet Aries and all those reading how are you.
Asdff In last few weeks and especially last weekend I had trouble getting on two trains back to my town. I had done it many times but a trip of 5 stops on a train replaced by a bus and on top of stress in my life and medical issues had me unable to move . I felt so silly . I am a grown adult but one small change threw me.

Eventually went back next day which had its hiccups but I made it back.

Does anyone else find change hard.?

velvetfaerie

Absolutely. I freeze sometimes with changes as well. Unpredictability can trigger anxiety in those who are susceptible.

Ironically I just had to have an interaction which was very scary.

I have another one coming up shortly as well.

Short version = I am sick of the arrogance and entitlement in society, especially by people on the public purse!!!! When the laws are broken, with proof, by public/government staff, you better believe I am going to follow every process in the book. I gave these people a chance and they chose arrogance and entitlement. Game on!!!!

Airies

Asdff, that sounds horrible.Unfortunately my meds leave me numb. Not sure whether this is good or bad.I hate change. that’s why I’ve made my world so small. I loose track of time, not sure what day it is. Some of my meds make it difficult to hold a full cup of tea or move something without my hands shaking resulting in spillage. I’m fortunate my spouse is there. I couldn’t cope without her.

velvetfaerie

I just ended one of my longest relationships..... with my gym.

Long story. Lack of procedural fairness and accountability on their side. Lies. Bureaucratic nonsense too.

So that is it!!! CANCELLED!!!

13 years and a foundation member.

I am very sad, BUT, time for a new adventure.

Humid is not wrong....... yuk!!!

quirkywords

Velvet 13 years is a long time. I have never been into a gym. I am no good at joining and classes.

quirkywords

Aries

I lose track of time , of day and time .i can’t say it is due to meds but my short term memory.

velvetfaerie

I intended to use the last of my membership, as they still take a month's fees and you still have access for the last month. I was about to go this am and I froze. The place that helped me manage my mental health is now a trigger. The collusion & unfairness are what I am anxious about. No integrity at all.

I start building my home gym and making my shed nice for said gym from Thursday. I have equipment ordered already.

There was a full on event on my verge last night. Couple of cop cars and some stuff I can't share here but it was enough for people to be taken away.

It never ends i tell ya!!!!

asdff

Yes Quirky change is rather hard for me. I am rather sensitive to change, I like to park in the same spot at certain places. Other places I am okay to park elsewhere. I think my brain likes the predictability because my mood is so unpredictable. I hate not being able to predict my mood. I don’t over plan things, events, appointments etc. Lately it has felt like chaos because I have appointments for my children and myself on the same day. Who else needs to have a rest and sit down before accomplishing another task? Or is that just me? I do write a list and get a dopamine hit from crossing things off that list but it’s exhausting. How do some people skip through life and some of us struggle? Off to get the washing off the line, another task.

asdff

Oh my goodness Velvet! I just read about your evening. I hope you’re okay?

As for the gym, I hope you find solace in your home gym. Exercise is a huge help for me. I find I can somewhat stop my overthinking when I am moving my body. There are so many gyms popping up, I wonder how they can all survive?