This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[asdff]

Airies I whole heartedly agree we are the subject matter experts on our own condition. It’s not a one size fits all with treatment either. What works for you, might not work for me, Quirky et. all. 

[quirkywords]

Asdff I don’t feel like an expert even after all theses decades. I often feel like a novice.

i get distracted and frustrated. 

[asdff]

 I can’t express things how I mean to in this state. Do you get brain fog and can’t find the words? For me, it’s especially bad when I am exercising. I am looking for the word, I can dance around the word. Eventually the word comes but sometimes not until I’ve left the gym. 

I am still in the hypomanic state and being school holidays doesn’t help. I tend to feed into it and take the children out , however I am not my best self. I am irritable, wired and frustrated. I also tend to over schedule things 🥴🥴 Only a few more days till Easter, phew! 

[velvetfaerie]

I haven't worked Tuesday or today this week. I am sick. Apparently THE virus is moving through work. I wonder if it is fabricated for leave during school holidays when it was declined due to staffing reasons initially. I keep testing negative to 3 respiratory viruses. 

I'd say work currently has a 50% attendance at the moment due to poor planning anyway. 

I ache. I hurt. I'm so tired. Fever. Enlarged lymph nodes. My dog hates me. I can't even manage walkies. 

At least I am not juggling kids and school holidays as well. I see many of my colleagues with kids struggling, especially the ones who refuse to address their own issues and blame the kids 100%. 

Whatever is attacking my body better go away. I have plans this weekend!!!

[Airies]

Taking a rest day from cycling. 73 days in a row and I’m pooped. The other day came across a couple people cyclists without helmets. I said passing which is the norm. I passed and I hear where’s your bell. I said where’s your helmet? Well with that I received a barrage which I couldn’t understand and gave him the bird as well. I should have just shut up, but I do see red these days.

You would think with a recent birthday I would show some maturity. I was never like that a few years back.
Velvet, I assume you’re vaccinated. Things are pretty bad if the dog avoids you. Take it easy, Look after number 1 , you

Asdff, cut yourself some slack. You’re a mother, running a household and so much more. I sometimes struggle to get words out, I even start talking gibberish before what I mean to say comes out.

Quirky I think the frustration, distraction happens as we get older and that’s us.

Hoping everyone recovers and enjoys Easter. Me my love affair with quality chocolate continues.

[velvetfaerie]

I would love to cycle with you Airies. 🤣

Maybe not that many days in a row, but, you know. 

My dog got a half decent walk this am. I am forgiven for now. 

I am also enjoying quality chocolate..... 👌 

[quirkywords]

Asdff I am poster girl for brain fog. I forget famous people’s names, fami,y names,  eras nouns adjectives you name it I forget it. I used to good with memory and vocab, . Asdff it is easy to be irritated with others. 

aries you make sense and you have wisdom born of age in my humble opinion.

Velvet I hope you are ok and the virus is subsiding. 

[asdff]

Thank you Quirky, Velvet, Airies and all reading along. It’s good to know we experience similar things. I found the weekend rather challenging. Too many events/outings leading up to Easter Sunday. An Event on Easter Sunday and boy I’m feeling it today. I am using my coping mechanisms but boy why is it so hard when our brain lies to us? Makes us confused and society expects us to behave like we don’t have mood disorder. Sometimes I want to wave my mental illness flag, it’s too hard I need time to sit and be alone. I don’t and wish I could. Just sit, be still and at peace within my mind. 

[Airies]

Asdff and the rest of the crew can relate. I overindulged Easter Sunday and boy did I pay for it last night. Not alcohol, maybe chocolate and going back for seconds on dessert and I was crook. I’ve brought my wife the biggest box of Cadbury sharing chocolates. Ive hidden it and wish she would find it quickly.

Asdff, sometimes I have to lie low and spend some hours in bed. It’s harder for you mums and others with more commitments. I tend to live in a fog not knowing what day it is. I have a very simple routine and little to no friends. But thankfully you guys are here

[velvetfaerie]

I have a work colleague, who I like, who has also made herself crook with chocolate before. 

I'm pretty sure I had covid. Confirmed cases at work, same symptoms but the tests don't work. Chocolate is medicinal hahaa.

Only in recent months have I made peace with not having many friends. I now focus on myself, my garden and house, my dog, and learning lots of random stuff. 

The friends I do have are quality not quantity.

Chocolate is a friend.