This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[white knight]

My sister is bipolar, daughter, brother (dec). My sister doesnt tell anyone she has bipolar and I really get why. Overall it works as a disadvantage and in some rare cases people can be cruel.

So why do we mention it? Because many of us (but not all) find the illness overwhelming, we are wanting/needing acknowledgement that we have something that is not visible and it affects many of our lives minute to minute. Some of us dont have that need and that's fine the only thing that would disappoint me is those that dont have a need should accept that some of us do. It doesnt mean we want sympathy nor exceptions due to our illness, just a basic level of empathy if we go off the track at times with our reactions.

I believe most people voluntarily ignore or have no capacity to show empathy towards someone with a mental disorder. But a physical one? most do.

LEGS OF SPOKE
How can I let them know?
When the dark exceeds the glow
When the sun hides behind the clouds
Silence they hear...but I scream so loud.
Some stand beside a 6 foot hole
Shake their heads and see its toll
They ask how he could have dropped
Out of the circle -a forget me knot
Yet they seem to see clear and there is hope
When they sight a person with legs of spoke
A crippled girl pushing her chair
A man be manic- there's no one there.
"Storm in a tea cup" hurts so bad
Like the cyber crow who remains so glad
Keeps flying and in full flight
Achieves his art...in the middle of the night
For some in power see it their way
Even at the side of a 6 foot grave
Shake their head and call out "why"
"Why on earth- he didnt have to die".
So kind some be they reach out so true
Smile away "we want to meet you"
Bring along your vintage car and your smile"
But leave - what's behind your dial.
So we laugh and dine and all's ok
Leave at home come what may
If I be saddled with legs of spoke
They'd lift me around- bloody good bloke.
But as my mind hurts so bad
Cannot hide my feelings- mad?
Can no longer be bloody good bloke
Sometimes I wish.....
I had legs of spoke......
TonyWK

[Leisa68]

Hello,

A lovely poem Tony. Very apt.

I believe what I have is definitely a chemical imbalance. It certainly feels that way to me. I know there are lots of studies on bipolar and depression and they go every which way, but to me, it feels chemical. Chemicals of which you cannot control, but wish people would understand.

Today no study, finished a Stephen King book, and met friends for lunch. No spiraling. Feel a bit better. I have had an offer from the public hospital nearby to operate on my other foot (the right one), but my left one has not healed yet. I have not been able to work since my left foot was operated on (swelling and disfigurement) but my right foot is in danger of collapsing altogether. A bit of a conundrum all around. I will work it out.

Off to the film festival tomorrow, then had better get my head around my current assignment.

Leisa

[quirkywords]

Thanks Tony for your post and poem.

I used to be ashamed of having a mental illness and my parents used to whisper to people about. Since giving community talks about bipolar over 15 years.

I can talk to community groups but I find some of my close ones really do not get me at all.

[velvetfaerie]

I find those closest are the least understanding or interested. I've seemingly been having stuff surface and cause me some anguish.

Can't talk to anyone. No point.

At least it's Friday!!!!

Another colleague resigned this week. Today is her last day. Toxic work culture eats up another one but she made the right decision for her and her family.

My boss is good though. She's got me involved in so much stuff this year. Eek.

V.

[asdff]

I’m crappy. The girl child just got into my irritable bits, my Achilles heel. She goes in for the kill. It’s been a week. So much of me doing things for others. Blergh.

[quirkywords]

Asdff

sorry I know I had a child who knew how to press my buttons and I had to bite my tongue nit to respond. I hope next week is better.

i am glad your boss is supportive Velvet,

[white knight]

I have rough figures on those that understand mental illness-

70% dont understand, wont understand or wont try to understand, 10% try but dont succeed in understanding to any significant degree, 5% try to understand and get half way there, 10% have a menatal illness but dont know it or know it but wont seek help and 5% have mental health issues.

70% is a lot of people that we waste our time on.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Tony

Are the rough figures based on your experience .

I thought that people with mental I health issues whether they know it or not would be higher than 15%. I have never been good at statistics.

70 % is probably there. I think Beyond Blue and other organisations try to create awareness and educate this large group.

Thanks as always for a thoughtful post.

[Leisa68]

Hello all,

Asdff, I am sorry about the girl.  Those figures are astounding Tony but unsurprising. I made the mistake recently of letting a friend know that I had BiPolar, and she said, "I never knew you were like that". Like that. In a box.

Just finished writing an assignment, just have to polish it up now. A quiet week ahead was meant to attend a movie and dinner on Tuesday, the movie is called Mao's last dancer, but it has all been canceled. I have not seen the movie, so was disappointed, but hopefully next time! I went to the local shopping mall today, we had some Hungry Jacks and went to Kmart, just madness clothes and other things were thrown everywhere! It's shameful, people should really put clothes back on the shelves where they found them.

Still in a spiral, but am okay. I hope you all are too.

Leisa

[quirkywords]

Leisa

the book of Maos last dancer is better than the movie.

Leisa that was disappointing reaction of your friend. A person said to me when I told her

I had bipolar she said that “ you don’t look crazy “.