Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi J - ur right, there isn''t an excuse! i've written up a complaint about the psych i saw at hospital, and hope to send it tomorrow.

i feel anxious making a complant, like it'll come back on me somehow - maybe.... but i think ill feel better for it. i'm disappointed and it ruined last week calling 3 times to chase up her scripts. tiring

lack of community is one of the things that pains me the most

communal spaces are rare

i had one i wnt to pre LD nd had all thse plans to build on it,.... sadly unrealised now

love that T is creating and drawing on her own after her school work

inspiring us all

[Guest_1055]

Hey Sleepy and everyone

Been reading through bits of your thread. Can't let everything sink in my head. Word overload or something happens. So I just remember what I remember.

Noticed you baked spelt bread and had some virtual jam for it. I like spelt bread. You also gave out hugs a while back... So yes please I will receive one. Hug back to you too.

Someone was talking about art and painting the night time. Made me think of.. I think Mary Poppins. A scene where their was painting on a pavement and they jumped into the painting and ended up in some beautiful place. Would be encouraging painting such a thing in the streets or pavements in Melbourne. Start some kind of happy movement or something.

Someone also mentioned Italy... I saw a video were guys were singing from their apartment windows across to others in their windows. Love that. And also hitting balls with rackets from one window across to another.

Sorry I keep rambling on.. Your thread has quite a lot of discussion about many different things. Thanks for the tea a while back too. Appreciate it.

You were able to use a tablet? Nice and Fancee ( like that word, it has attitude to it)

You ask after me on another thread. I am good going much better at the moment. Got to get emotional heaviness out of my heart in some way sometimes. So that thread is a useful way for me to do it.

I wish the very best for you dear Sleepy ( snow White)

And are you feeling less sleepy these days?

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

hi EM

yes!!

i'd love pomegranate too! pears, apples, juice....some fancy chocolate

Oh me too, me three lol.

Yeah! Let's do it!

I want a fresh pomegranate, pears, (can't have apples grr), can't wait till mangoes are back lol, maybe some Kombucha but I've been really disappointed as so many of these "health" drinks have artificial sweeteners in them ...so I can't have those either.

Can't remember which letters out of the FODMAP I'm okay with, I'm probably an OAP lol IDK.
Fruit is good, not too many cherries though which is a shame.

I LOVE those chocolate Orange things. Maybe one of those. Maybe a Darrell Lea Rocky Road lol. FANCEE!

Let's be fancee lol.

And the Chai mix from the coffee shop...

BUT I have to wait till we're out of quarantine. Just got tested, hopefully results are back soon and are negative.

Love you! Massive HUGS.

Hey Shelll, big warm hugs to you too. And a warm drink and some warm sunshine, Sunshine 🙂

I didn't read your post on that other thread but could tell that you've been feeling down., by all your friends rallying around you. It was so beautiful to see the love and support pouring out to you!
I'm sorry you've been feeling down. That's why I wrote an affirming post of gratitude to you, to try and blast that "energy" out of that thread at least.

I really appreciate you and really appreciate the threads you've started for us all. xxxx
CLEARLY many many MANY others do too as they are being used all the time!

Sadly it only takes one person / their comments to put that heaviness on us some times, other times it's easier to ignore.

We can shake that shyte OFF now and may have to keep doing that lol!!

Love you!

Hey J*? It can all be so exhausting. Relationships I mean. Huge hugs to you too.

Love you!

I hope everyone can do something nice for themselves.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1055]

Oh yes FANCEE, is that your word then Em?

Yeah I think I know the post you are referring too. It didn't really bother me. I don't fully know why. Everyone sees life and how it is for them with the own eyes I guess. Everyone has different struggles and in a different place of sorting through them. I guess that is how I interpreted that particular post.

Thanks for the sunshine and hug. Absolutely love those things. And thankyou for the affirming post you wrote. Huge kindness +++to you and everyone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll, have you been feeling lighter? thats beautiful to read. i agree venting helps. letting it out... and not judging what we express. i had a big teary call to a helpline earlier and it was like permission to just say what had been bothering me.

my tablet is still taking some time!! I dont know how to check in using it, but i take it sometimes with me like to the library or store to collect items. i do feel fancee!!!! Sure do!!

how are u doing during lockdowns... is there a chance to walk and enjoy still a smoothie or snack outside??

i'm getting vaxxed tomorrow, sadly missed the chance to get a free taxi there which is a lovely govt initiative!!

i really like spelt too, do u bake with it? i like hering that you use it too - really nice grain!

i bought a rattan fruit bowl from kmart an have put it in my loung, i think it's a nice self care thing to do. it's nic to have variety, i was writing here about types of self-starvation, self-neglect. i feel sad that i cant quite take care of myself as an adult. i'm always using broken and damaged things, like i dont think i need anything else. im typing on my keyboard with a few broken keys....

the tablet is a nice win 🙂 Thanks for writing here, if i am snow white, u maybe can be Belle? i am still very sleepy, but gave in and took some meds for it, just for a little bit. i would love a good sleep though, all through the night without waking up.. big hugs xxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

i love this, so is the chocolate orange a special treat for u?? what else can we add? dark chocolate? pomegranate arils? white chocolate? licorice? some eggs, bread, milk, or an essential oil??? sending all the sweet things to you!!

i think i'd like a nice butter and some good bread, maybe some salad diced up alrady, a little take home salad, and a bottle of fresh juice?

[Guest_1643]

hey J -

ur right it was so much that, i had the hospital up my sleeve. i watched my lifeline ccrumble. i felt let down more symbolically, then really. it ws one awful experience, bt it was exactly wht i didn't want or need.

i complained about the dodgy psychiatrist today and YAY i dont think i have to see her again!!!!! i think i will now only see the case mnager and the gp/doctor. i probably might have to see her again, but i think i've got thm bit on their toes now about handling my medication - which helps me. i did this all for me. so i guess that's self care.

if i didnt feel safe again, i'll have to revist that.... i think i'll need a new plan.

the AA buddy system makes sense. sometims i think recovery is really possible when u have that one friend. not the counsellor or the gp, but the friend. lookig back on rough times, its more friends and peer support that get me through.

i think tomorrow ill request access to a peer support worker, see if they can link me in with somone. that is a newer approch, having peer support access, which wasn't around when i first begn struggling.

how are u doing with ur life at home, is it peaceful , and growing into spring. blossoms are showing up here. blossoms!!!

15 more minutes here to legally leave my house....i try to sty out of my house as much as i can but truthfully not much to do anyway during lockdown. i wish i felt cosier here but all i feel is trauma and grossness.

my apartment is very clean atm but still feels dirty, not right, not homely. I bought a few new bits and pieces, its like i'm trying to drown out a sound, drown out all the triggers with more stuff. never really works.

had a good cry tody though over a helplines and i could feel the pain in my body releasing. i guess it was the person's willingness to go there. to hear. really helped me.

sending hugs and chocolate x

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy, and a hug to Shells and Em also,

Just a quick, hello, love the self care box!What a good idea! we can each have a special box, which we occasionally purchase be-utiful treats! Fancee ones too! And pop them in the box, just for us! Of course, as we take them out and eat them, or use them, we shall have to buy more! Lets keep that box half full, at least 💚

You're right Em, relationships are so very tiring...

Sleepy, you're amazing. Having the strength to continue to action for change, for yourself, is a small step forward for human kind and it's mental health! Good on you!

I think I can relate to the feelings you express about being at home- so intense! Have you tried asking yourself what you need, in order to make home feel safer?

Also, do you journal? And does it help sometimes?

I feel like it mite have to do with being alone at home, and that brings up the unloved feelings (which we all struggle with, by the sounds of it) Sometimes, being alone doesn't feel like a choice. Altho this is something I do regularly, is remind myself why I am alone ( except for my immediate family) and that helps me feel more comfortable with my choices. It's particularly useful when I reflect on my separateness from foo family. Helps me to ID that I HAVE chosen it, and why. If that makes sense.

I'll pop in soon to see how everyone's boxes are going- mine will have orange chocolate in it for sure! And icecream- the sort in the little round tubs, made for one person to eat on the couch......maybe over two nites, if I'm not feeling greedy lol!

Love you guys,

J*

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

hi EM

i love this, so is the chocolate orange a special treat for u?? what else can we add? dark chocolate? pomegranate arils? white chocolate? licorice? some eggs, bread, milk, or an essential oil??? sending all the sweet things to you!!

i think i'd like a nice butter and some good bread, maybe some salad diced up alrady, a little take home salad, and a bottle of fresh juice?

Lol give this girl an inch hey?

I think that Cafe around the corner sells this awesome French Bread with dried fruit in it lol. I wonder if the factory are still operating near my work? I'm not rostered on any time soon, so yeah.

I want to add a BOOK. I miss my Book by Richard Bach called "Illusions". I pretty much give it away when I get the impulse to do so, so they don't last long in my possession lol.
If I can get to this Bookshop they also sell essential oils and INCENSE (I just ran out on the weekend).

Our chickens lay the best eggs, so I'm good there! Actually I'm trying to poach 2 a day with fresh tomato slices and Promite on the toast underneath for one meal a day.

OKAY BREAD is on the list lol,
Chai from same Cafe.
1 WHOLE Pomegranate
Pears
Yes! Pre-made salad in a packet is fun.
Choc orange (yes a very special treat, I might buy one for my birthday or something like that).
chocolate covered licorice.

My Book!
Essential oils
Incense.

What are you getting?

Sleepy, please don't be so hard on yourself. It's not worth beating yourself up about not being able to do all things for yourself. In truth, none of us DO do everything for ourselves.
I get that you feel frustrated but just being kind to yourself with help.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

I like the book idea too!! how beautiful. I'd like some colorful pens and markers, and a book too, maybe a second hand one but a special edition of something i like. and some berries. bread, butter, maybe a cute pastry. some art paper. and oil pastels.

my friend always advises to add glitter. how scary. Maybe?

no pressure !! xx putting love out, that you feel okay tonight waiting for ur test results. tomorrow i get my jab. i'm getting a taxi there! how nice to have one thing not to worry about. i was a bit anxious about it.