Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi all,
I am having the worst time these days sorting myself out.... I had to see the psychiatrist in training at the hospital and I didn't warm to her at all

she sent a script to the pharmacy for me to pick up - I get there, it's not been sent

I call, says she's doing it right now, they still don't have it

I call again, this time it's sorted.

Small thing, NBD, just a little confusion, But it drains me and angers me.

I have anxiety so when I do things, I do them nd follow them through, I check, I double-check, I chase, I ask, I ensure.

And someitmes I feel like in the MH system, I can't count on anybody. Im always chasing.

I got into a disagreement with my private psych who is under the impression that I may end therapy soon. I said yes, for those reasons.

I said I know I'm good at this, chasing, organising, following up, reminding, but I don't like doing it.

I keep getting told by the reception that he's so booked out and popular, and I always feel how busy he is, but I also feel neglected.

I get in there wanting to talk about things but feel that when I get there, the rush and pressure and fear of the appointment ending means i'm just in survival mode. Sometime I don't cover what I intended, and I leave feeling a bit broken.

I told him I was very angry about the private psych claiming to have sent the script but somehow stuffing it up, and said I dont know if I can forgive all this

He said that he stuffs up at times and I forgive him, ... not sayign I should fogive her, but just noting it. Of course I do. I forgive and then jut hold anger and betrayal in my body because I am certain it's all going to go terribly wrong and I won't survive any of this, and a part of me is quite desperate!

I just want the help now.

Being unwell sucks, and then having new workers and ppl around sucks because I can't trust new ppl easily and im feeling threatend all the time.

Is the best doctor just not the worst one?

He said he wants to make sure that if I do end therapy I have one last session with him...of course. I would do that anyway, I hope.

But I'm not ending therapy, I'm just relying more on myself, whatever that looks like now.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

How frustrating for you!
IDK how a MH professional COULDN'T understand just how extremely frustrating life is for someone going through what we go through, let alone being "forgotten, lost in the system, neglected" basically left feeling unimportant.

Sleeps before I got out of bed this morning a thought occurred to me - money. Like the vast majority of EVERYTHING happening right now is about 'how to make more money'.

I called my experience in the MH system 'going through the cattle grid'.
Check
Brand
Move them on through
Cash in.

This makes me so incredibly sad.
It's all about the money.

Hey I'm sure SOME people care.
I even think so many ppl went IN to these professions with noble intentions...

then it became what it is.

SO where does that leave US?
Sometimes knowledge is power Sleepy, once we get past the emotional attachment of it all (which is a work in progress for me - always)...

Btw I noticed that you MUST have a high executive functioning to carry out all you need to do with the high level of organisation coordinating all these ppl.

IDK how you'll feel about what I'm going to suggest, it's always up to you what you decide to do, which directions etc. I'll support whatever decisions you make.

Not having the time to talk it out with your psych piqued my interest in what you wrote... knowing you've had alot of FOO issues and adulthood dv, similar to me, I've really found that my Counsellor fills that void.
Tbh she's been FAR MORE help to me over these years than the cumulative help from all other MH professionals put together.

For ONE, she "gets" dv / fv without me explaining any - thing - at - all. (This is her professional focus dv / fv).
She gets it better than I DO!

SO without me ever having to painfully explain things to a psych for example (which BTW never seems to get through!) I can say one thing about how I feel and she strings it right back to THAT thing that happened in my past.

I left my last psych after she said "Why didn't you just LEAVE?" and was an 8yo child supposed to "just leave" too? The ignorance was astounding to me & her being a TRAUMA psych? Wow, abhorrent.

Can we forgive ppl's ignorance?

Perhaps we can. But it doesn't mean we have to keep PAYING them.

We're here for you Sleepy.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi everyone

Thanks so much EM I agree totally

20 days ago I sent the psych my case manager Cheryl's no so they can speak

Took them this long to coordinate

The neglect hurts

I'd never let something sit that long

In any issue of my life

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

It does hurt. Makes us feel less than important (well it does for me some times).... then I go back to the wise words of Roxy Daphne in the beautiful series of Ricky Jervais' as she says to Tony.... not all ppl are ash holes, most ppl are just trying to get by, sometimes ppl are just having a bad day etc ...

If you ever feel close enough to say to someone, when you do x, the story I'm telling myself is abcdefghij.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Depends upon their g.a.s. factor or their care factor put a nicer way.

I know for sure that because I was neglected as a child, my Schema is very much triggered when this happens.
My BF is famous for saying "I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt"... most ppl are just trying to get by.

I'm a little harsher in my initial reactions now. I used to be more forgiving, not so much any more lol.

Have you been able to do something nice for yourself lately?

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi j, I know so well what u mean about trusting ppl within their job description

I a, sorry also that u can't trust Ur family,I'll, but I feel Ur very emotionally intelligent, Thank u for writing to me here

I'm home, gosh hospital was traumatic and non beneficial, bit sad really, I'm generally pretty happy with staff at the hospital.

Just not this time.

I'm told lockdowns have put pressure on staffs I'm hospital...it's all inconsistent

My appointment with hospital psych was moved to telehealth, but I still see Cheryl face to face. All inconsistent

How's Ur drawing? Is it still a fun hobby? I've slowed down a bit sadly

I

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM,

That's a great attitude that your boyfriend has, living in that world would be healthy 🙂
Ppl are mostly well meaning and not trying to hurt
That said, its hard when i'm not strong enough in myself, and there are some ppl who want to use or harm me. It's hard dealing with those ppf qualifications. Now i'm seeing the psych so I can get admissions if needed etc. But I always feel awkward around him. When I was at the hospital he'd come check on me, and he'd stay at the hospital for ages.

I'd say goodbye to him, then half an hour go for a walk around the hospital, and i'd bump into him. Id always feel embarrassed.

I felt he would judge me because I didn't integrate so easily into the hospital. I don't know, I felt he was observing and judging me.

He himself has no power but wht they give him. He regularly admits this. When he gave me a diagnosis and I was a bit taken aback, he said, what makes you think I don't have similar? And when he gave me meds he told me "If i'd take that... id have the same reaction," - i wander if he has, or does take psychotropics.

But my vibe is that he has a pretty nice life overall, and maybe can't understand so much my trauma.

If you haven't seen it you don't get it. It's something you either get or don't.

I know there are a lot of therapists that are gaslit by narcissists too, or don't believe patients who are in abusive relationsips, or fall into this old mytholgy that couples of families need to stay together, at all costs. Blergh, no.

I did somehow know I needed to do something nice today, and got myself a treat, something I like to eat 🙂 And then I remembered it again tonight and had a tea, trying to watch a show, trying to enjoy, be gentle, be kind.

I dropped off a care package last week to a neighbour, and went to the organic store and bought all these pretty fruits, and some chocolate, and some pesto, the prettiest and most colorful things.

I wandered, why couldn't I do that for myself?! Would I ever do that, buy a box of colorful treats? It's so so much easier for someone else. Feels like nothing, natural, makes sense. But for myself I'd argue against all of it, and wind up with the most pathetic little box, with three weird and practical items. Probably would be a cleaning product and packet of rice.

I wander what makes it so hard?

Sending love to all xox

[Guest_1643]

seems i tried to shorten my post, which was too long, and cropped out a part that doesn't make sense!! hope you got the gist.. x

[ecomama]

Yes Sleepy!

>>> " I dropped off a care package last week to a neighbour, and went to the organic store and bought all these pretty fruits, and some chocolate, and some pesto, the prettiest and most colorful things.
I wandered, why couldn't I do that for myself?! Would I ever do that, buy a box of colorful treats? It's so so much easier for someone else. Feels like nothing, natural, makes sense. But for myself I'd argue against all of it, and wind up with the most pathetic little box, with three weird and practical items. Probably would be a cleaning product and packet of rice.

I wander what makes it so hard?"

Omg I HEAR you Sleepy! Snap 1000x snap!

That's the kind of question I would ask my Counsellor but as you know she's out of the country for about 5.5 months (yes I'm counting lol)...

I buy my kids almost ANY THING I can.
But for me?
Nope.

I have my own ideas about why I don't do these things for myself, probably far too many thoughts on it tbh.
Probably another good reason for the Self-care thread.

Hey Sleepy, do you want to do something REALLY special for ourselves?
Like "together"?

I'd love a specialty box of lovely fruits, maybe jams or something, maybe my favourite bread (I think it's out of my 5km atm though). OH I KNOW what's in my 5km, that wonderful Chai mix from the coffee shop around the corner.

Do you want to DO this with me?
I want a pomegranate in mine. In fact I want to buy a pomegranate TREE but that's for Alexa for a "Women's thing" to ground some special things.

Let's give ourselves a month to do this. If you want to.

IF ANYONE ELSE wants to too, please do!

So far mine has 1 pomegranate and 1 pack of Chai mix.
Actually I'd like some perfume too, a Chemist one would do fine.
And some Ginger Beer, some Angostura Bitters and some chocolate ofcourse.

What are some things you'd enjoy?

See how you feel about my suggestion, we're certainly a work in progress lol

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

yes!!

i'd love pomegranate too! pears, apples, juice....some fancy chocolate

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Yeah, it sounds like hospital wasn't super helpful this time around. That's probably a lot disappointing, I'm guessing, cos it has sounded like hospital being a safe place, and a 'card up your sleeve', so to speak, was/is really important for your wellbeing.

Have you got another plan for when you're feeling unsafe? Becos it does sound like you'll be a bit less likely to go to hospital....

It occurs to me that a buddy system mite be a good ideaa. Y'know, sorta like AA.

Maybe, in these times (unprecedented!) there's an opportunity to rewrite our MH system. With new approaches that really work. We know that ppl are so often what makes the difference in someone at risk surviving and thriving, or not, and yet we still have a system which doesn't priritise the building of helping relationships. The system still focuses on meds and psychs.

I think Em's point about her counsellor is a good one.

I've been thinking about the way the system has changed, how there's almost no such thing as community houses anymore. It's all been taken out of the hands of small NFP organisations and farmed out to big business- money! Correct Em, and what a disappointment that is.

I don't know what we can do to change it, or even WHO can change it, but change it we must. Somehow. Because we are letting down future generations.

Sleepy, there's NO excuse for the sorts of slackness you describe. NONE.

Keep speaking up, and speaking out. Your strength is making a difference, for you, and for others. I'm reminded of the baby chick again, the way they have to break their own shell. It makes them strong enough for life, which is TOUGH!

I do agree tho, you can forgive slack behaviour, but you don't have to continue paying for it. Perhaps there is something else you can access, once LD is over....groups and gardens etc, which will help. Atm tho it's probably important you don't cut yourself off........

I'm doing ok- juggling work and homeschooling and difficult relationships.....I feel very tired atm, and not very inspired to do anything, tho I continue to have ideas...T is drawing tho, after doing her morning's school work, which I LOVE!

Hang in there Sleepy, we LOVE you!

J*