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Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all πŸ™‚
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,816 Replies 4,816

Hi wonderful DB,

Aw thank you, DB. You are always so wonderfully kind and try to uplift so many of us πŸ™‚ Thank you...

I hope you are taking good care of yourself during this down phase. It sounds tough. Think of you often...

I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas now πŸŽ„β€οΈ as I won’t be posting much during the Christmas period (and in the immediate lead-up to it).

I know it must be hard without your gorgeous late partner (how special was he? Rhetorical) but I hope you still get to celebrate the day in some other special way.

I wish you Love, joy, generosity and community on Christmas Day.

Catch up after Christmas πŸ™‚

Mega Soul hugs and love,

Pepper xoxo

Hi DB,

Just a heads up, check out the β€œA Bouquet for pearls- share your appreciation for other members” thread...maybe a little later today as it’s not up yet. I am hoping that I selected post and not β€œcancel” lol

Love,

Pepper xoxo

Thanks Peps hun & Merry Xmas to you too darlin girl. I really hope it is good for you & to follow too. You're turn xx

Went to bed about 9 pm earliest in weeks big sleep it takes sooo bloody long to catch up, going back to bed soon.
flattened completely last night but not quite down, kind of but not in a OH GOD way. woke up bit average but ok.

Yeah definitely University hospital daghh huge triggers, another part of grieving. 7+ mths chemo there. Damn it!!
He's on my mind all the time Xmas does sting bit more & where I am brings on a few more memories too All part of love & loss.I know lucky to have had that for 28 yrs but doesn't make it any easier getting through & BP SLAMMED. Nearly took me again. Panicked how low it takes ya rang people

Got caught outta Blue other day doing a tt meeting and a comment about him, could see his writing so clearly in a book in memory, had to stop to compose for a few secs, WOW was so damned vivid. over the worst but miss him so much. Thanks Peps remembering. You shine girl, what a beautiful person

I really hope when I like myself it helps with being so bloody sensitive, all life, stuff goes straight to heart, hurts. Yet other stuff can handle. Oh the joys of being so screwed up aye lol

Screwed up but rational, bit average atm




(ROCK) star (Starwolf)

IF I wrote here everytime I thought of you with love & friendship, concern, missing you like arghhhh

Do you know what a difference you've made to so many and what a true Champion you are.

I can't forget you Rock, tearing up but wanna not cry today. IT's ok & healthy cleansing to but not today

There's a little voice (thought) telling me you're recovering Rock, god I hope so & that you're ok, yes selfishly but because you're so loved, respected and appreciated.

I started other day reading back from beginning here, it was you and I to start then Sez for a while, you stuck by me, I didn't feel alone here, shit.. tears trying again, sooo tired still & I knew anyway but saw our friendship developing which grew stronger each time we talked.

How can I thankyou for everything you've been for me without it just sounding like words.

Believe me you're in my thoughts soooo often, and I'll continue using "IT" with you in mind. LOL that didn't quite come out as I meant πŸ˜„

Do love you ROCK, please be ok ((( souls & holding hands )))

Hi big hearted DB,

Just squeezing in one post before I head out to buy Christmas presents...

A mega soul hug...

Of course it’s painful; he was your soulmate. The love of your life. I don’t think you ever truly forget that and I don’t think the sadness ever completely fades...I suppose you just learn to live with it. It must be hard...

Your loyalty, love and friendship for Starwolf is so heartfelt. You love the people around you very deeply. It shows...

Anyway, see you around after Christmas πŸŽ„

Much love and soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello DB,

Just read both of your posts and I can so feel your pain.

I'm so really sorry honey, it's hard of course you will always miss your soul mate, he was and is a part of your heart, always will be, I agree with Pepper, you will never forget him and grieving takes as long as necessary..feel your pain and loss. Hugs for you πŸ€—DB..πŸ’–

I can relate to you missing Starwolf so much. I've read the conversations between you two. There magic, the care you show for each other, is beautiful. Even though you never met in real life, I know that a very close bonding friendship can develop online, it's a friendship formed of trust, Starwolf would know how appreciated you are of her posts to you, she has a beautiful soul as with you and they both connected so well. Starwolf is so proud of your progress with {IT}, and the fabulous job your doing here to help as many as you can to crush and flatten {IT}.

DB, Please don't feel alone here, we are all together in this Neverending fight of {IT}. You are leading us victory, I know and I'm sorry that we lean on you to much, my shoulders are huge enough for you to lean on, have a cry or two. I wish I could help you more, take your hurt and pain away. My heart aches for you. Please look after you, and be kind to you.

kindness only.

L & C..(love &Care) with soul hugs πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

GGGG.

hey DB

i dont have much to add to what Grand and Peps have said

sending lots of soul hugs and wishing you a merry xmas.

your not alone here, ever. i do understand how your feeling though with not being able to communicate with starwolf. alot has changed here for me too and it feels different. sometimes good sometimes upsets me but its ok to feel that way. things do happen and i really seriously hope wolfs doing ok. i do remember her last posts, but i also remember the impression she has left me with of her. her strength and courage never ceases to amaze me. i see that in you too, you know. that strength and courage, take now for example. everyone can see it DB xoxox

we are here for you any time, sending more hugs, a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold for as long as you need and want xoxo

You girls Mathy too & Paul coming in & others over time, seriously I feel & hope you all do too when it's hard, not just here, everywhere around bb like I"m being protected & looked after. Big Angel wings gently around me, from my heart I thankyou all soooo much.

I try but find it hard as I know you understand when we're in deep it envelopes us, so can't be there as much as I'd like for you all, do but ...... it's just getting through it, has to be worked on and as we know it's all consuming.

I feel like I'm doing a complete overhaul on psych/physical which is working but's MAMMOTH, and that I'm so close to figuring this out, getting there, but I guess just have to go at the pace my brain can.
lol & then there's mania, I think a LOT about all this which you can't really do without thought & that's fine, like thinking but & saw yous saying same it's getting it out onto paper, seriously some posts take literally hrs for...sake but satisfying clicking on reply oh yeah, beat ya beasty. Fail.

Tiredness is our biggest down, makes it all harder but then could look at it that we can become stronger by working harder through it as we have to. Too easy to go down & stay there.

Merry Xmas you beautiful people, thanks for your friendship support and love. Honestly

Peps what a beautiful post in Pearls. You moved me beyond xx

Hold on dear friends, we'll work this out together. Believe it's GOING to happen. It will cause I can't do this shit anymore. Had me a lifetime with untold happies too but dark cloud always hovering. Blackness countless times. NO MORE!!!!...well not for much longer's realistic...ssshhh don't tell beasty.

Hey DB,

The University hospital sounds great (apart from bad memories). I’m a firm believer that our teaching hospitals provide the best care and expertise.

So, let me wish you a very Happy Xmas, hope it is filled with love, friends, good food and happiness.

Also wishing StarWolf a Happy Xmas, may she be on a road to recovery and well.

Bestest, cheers M πŸ™‚

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Thanks Mathy & to you too darl, thanks for your solid support too

Lovely of you to the "Wolf" as you say love that πŸ™‚

Take good care of yourself Maths it's very nice knowing you xx (Triple hugs back atcha)